Huge Telephus, a formidable Page,
Cries Vengeance; and 3 Oreftes' bulky Rage
Unfatisfy'd with Margins closely writ,
Foams o'er the Covers, and not finish'd yet.
No Man can take a more familiar Note
Of his own Home, than I of Vulcan's Grott,
Or 4 Mars his Grove, or hollow Winds that blow
From Etna's top, or tortur'd Ghosts below.
I know by rote the fam'd Exploits of Greece;
The Centaurs fury, and the Golden Fleece;
Through the thick Shades th' Eternal Scribler bauls,
And shakes the Statues on their Pedestals.
The best and worst on the fame Theme employs
His Mufe, and plagues us with an equal Noise.
Provok'd by these Incorrigible Fools,
I left declaiming in Pedantick Schools;
Where, with Men-Boys, I ftrove to get Renown,
Advising Sylla to a private Gown.
But, fince the World with Writing is possest,
I'll verfify in fpite; and do my best,
To make as much Wafte-paper as the rest.
But why I lift aloft the Satyr's 7 Rod,
And tread the Path which fam'd Lucilius trod,
2 Telephus the Name of a Tragedy.
3 Oreftes, another Tragedy. 4 Mars his Grove. Commentators take thisGrove to be a Place where Poets were us'd to repeat their Works to the People; but more probably, both this and Vulcan's Grott, or Cave, and the reft of the Places and Names here mention'd, are only meant for the Common-Places of Homer,
in his Niad, and Odyssey.
s The best and worst; that is, the beft and the worst Poets.
6 Advifing Sylla, &c. This was one of the Themes given in the Schools of Rhetoricians, in the deliberative kind; Whether Sylla fhould lay down the Supreme Power of Dista❤ torship, or still keep it.
7 Lucilius, the first Satyrift of the Romans, who wrote long before Horase
Attend the Caufes which my Mufe have led:
When Sapless Eunuchs mount the Marriage-Bed,
When Mannish Mevia, that two-handed Whore,
Aftride on Horse-back hunts the Tuscan Boar,
When all our Lords are by his Wealth outvy'd,
Whofe 9 Razour on my callow Beard was try'd;
When I behold the Spawn of conquer'd Nile,
Crifpinus 10, both in Birth and Manners vile,
Pacing in Pomp, with Cloak of Tyrian Dye
Chang'd oft a-day for needlefs Luxury;
And finding oft occafion to be fan'd,
Ambitious to produce his Lady-Hand;
Charg'd11 with light Summer-rings his Fingers sweat,
Unable to fupport a Gem of weight:
Such fulfom Objects meeting every where,
'Tis hard to write, but harder to forbear.
To view fo lewd a Town, and to refrain,
What hoops of Iron cou'd my Spleen contain!
When 12 pleading Matho, Born abroad for Air,
With his fat Paunch fills his new-fashion'd Chair,
And after him the Wretch in Pomp convey'd,
Whofe Evidence his Lord and Friend betray'd,
And but the wifh'd Occafion does attend
From the poor Nobles the laft Spoils to rend,
Whom ev'n Spies dread as their Superior Fiend,
And bribe with Presents; or, when Presents fail,
They fend their prostituted Wives for Bail:
8 Mevia, a Name put for any | mer Rings, &c. The Romans impudent or Mannish Woman. were grown fo Effeminate in 9 Whofe Razour, &c. Juve Juvenal's time, that they wore nal's Barber now grown Weal-light Rings in the Summer, thy. and heavier in the Winter.
to Crifpinus, an Egyptian Slave; now by his Riches transform'd into a Nobleman.
Charg'd with light Sum-.
12 Mathe, a famous Lawyer, mentioned in other Places by Juvenal and Martial.
When Night-performance holds the Place of Merit,
And Brawn and Back the next of Kin difherit;
For fuch good Parts are in Preferment's way,
The Rich Old Madam never fails to pay
Her Legacies, by Nature's Standard giv'n,
One gains an Ounce, another gains Eleven :
A dear-bought Bargain, all things duly weigh'd,
For which their thrice concocted Blood is paid.
With Looks as wan, as he who in the Brake
At unawares has trod upon a Snake.
Or play'd 13 at Lyons a declaiming Prize,
For which the vanquish'd Rhetorician dyes.
What Indignation boils within my Veins,
When perjur'd Guardians, proud with Impious Gains,
Choak up
the Streets, too narrow for their Trains!
Whofe Wards by Want betray'd, to Crimes are led
Too foul to name, too fulfom to be read!
When he who pill'd his Province fcapes the Laws,
And keeps his Money, though he loft his Caufe:
His Fine begg'd off, contemns his Infamy,
Can rife at twelve, and get him Drunk ere three:
Enjoys his Exile, and, Condemn'd in vain,
Leaves thee, 14 prevailing Province, to complain?
Such Villanies rous'd 15 Horace into Wrath :
Aid 'tis more noble to pursue his Path,
13 At Lyons; a City in France, where annual Sacrifices and Games were made in Honour of Auguftus Cafar.
15 Horace, who wrote Satyrs: 'Tis more Noble, fays our Author, to imitate him in that way, than to write the Labours of Hercules, the Sufferings of Diomedes and his Followers, or the Flight of Dedalus who made the Labyrinth, and the Death of his
14 Prevailing Province, &c. Here the Poet complains, that the Governors of Provinces being accus'd for their unjuft Exactions, though they were condemned at their Tryals, Son Icarus. yet got off by Bribery.
Than an old Tale of Diomede repeat,
Or lab'ring after Hercules to fweat,
Or wandring in the winding Maze of Crete;
Or with the winged Smith aloft to fly,
Or flutt'ring perifh with his foolish Boy.
With what Impatience must the Mufe behold
The Wife, by her procuring Husband fold?
For tho' the Law makes Null th' Adulterer's Deed
Of Lands to her, the Cuckold may
fucceed;
Who his taught Eyes up to the Cieling throws,
And fleeps all over but his wakeful Nofe.
When he dares hope a Colonel's Command,
Whofe Courfers kept, ran out his Father's Land;
Who yet a Stripling Nero's Chariot drove,
Whirl'd o'er the Streets, while his vain Mafter Atrove
With boafted Art to please his 16 Eunuch-Love.
Wou'd it not make a modeft Author dare
To draw his Table-Book within the Square,
And fill with Notes, when lolling at his Ease,
Mecenas-like17, the happy Rogue he fees
Born by Six weary'd Slaves in open View,
Who cancell'd an Old Will, and forg❜d a New:
Made wealthy at the fmall Expence of Signing
With a wet Seal, and a fresh Interlining?
The Lady, next, requires a lafhing Line,
Who fqueez'd a Toad into her Husband's Wine:
So well the fashionable Med'cine thrives,
That now 'tis practis'd ev❜n by Country Wives:
Poys'ning, without regard of Fame or Fear:
And spotted Corps are frequent on the Bier.
16 His Eunuch-Love. Nero 17 Mecenas like. Mecenas is marry'd Sporus an Eunuch; often tax'd by Seneca and othough it may be the Poet thers, for his Effeminacy. meant Nero's Mistress in Man's Apparel:
Wou'dft thou to Honours and Preferments climb?
Be bold in Mischief, dare fome mighty Crime,
Which Dungeons, Death, or Banishment deserves:
For Virtue is but dryly Prais'd, and Starves.
Great Men, to great Crimes, owe their Plate embost,
Fair Palaces, and Furniture of Coft;
And high Commands: A Sneaking Sin is lost.
Who can behold that rank Old Letcher keep
His Son's corrupted Wife, 18 and hope to sleep?
Or that Male-Harlot, or that unfledg'd Boy,
Eager to Sin, before he can Enjoy ?
If Nature cou'd not, Anger would indite
Such woful stuff as I or Sh--ll write.
Count from the time, fince old 19 Deucalion's Boat,
Rais'd by the Flood, did on Parnaffus float;
And scarcely mooring on the Cliff, implor'd
An Oracle how Man might be reftor'd;
When foften'd Stones and Vital Breath enfu'd,
And Virgins naked were by Lovers view'd ;
What ever fince that Golden Age was done,
What Human Kind defires, and what they fhun,
Rage, Paffions, Pleasures, Impotence of Will,
Shall this Satyrical Collection fill.
What Age fo large a Crop of Vices bore,
Or when was Avarice extended more?
When were the Dice with more Profufion thrown?
The well-fill'd Fob not empty'd now alone,
But Gamesters for whole Patrimonies play;
The Steward brings the Deeds which must convey
18 And hope to fleep? The meaning is, that the very confideration of fuch a Crime will hinder a virtuous Man from taking his Repose.
19 Deucalion and Pyrrha, when the World was drown'd,
efcap'd to the top of Mount Parnaffus; and were commanded to reftore Mankind by throwing Stones over their Heads The Stones he threw became Men, and thofe the threw became Women,
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