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not leave the town till I left him in lic reproving, and sharp censuring better case; that as he had begun so others for the same faults which himhe would continue to open himself self had been guilty of. His often unto me, and would in all things be relapses after secret vows in sickness, ordered by me, and prayed me to after a more solemn bond in receiving see the end of him, to which I the sacrament of the Lord's Supper, yielded.
each of which sins so ofien reiterated, As a preparative to the main, I added to the heap, as multiplying of advised him to lay aside his rich the same figures does in numbers, clothes, and to put on the meanest he Upon this, in the next place, he made had. To let the chamber be kept a stand with himself, in thinking dark; to deprive himself of the so- what a miserable condition he must lace of any company, but such as needs be in if he should thus die in came to give him spiritual counsel, his sins, viz. a lost and undone man and so to commit himself close pri- for ever. He strongly imagined with soner to his own thoughts; that it up- himself, as if he now saw the day of on necessity any meat was brought judgment set, heard the trumpet unto him he should eat it in a solitary sounding, the voice crying, “Arise, way alone; and chiefly to give him- ye dead;" as if he beheld the graves self to fasting, even to the amficting opening; the earth and sea, like God's of his body which he had so pam- gaol, giving up their prisoners; our pered, as a means to effect the sorrow Saviour upon his throne, in flaming of the soul; to have his coffin made fire, both judge and witness; every and brought into his chamber: which man's life, and his aniorg the rest, howsoever they were but small things reading before men and angels, and in themselves, yet altogether were a final sentence pronouncing upon his very conducible to a further end, as body and soul; hell accordingly with he acknowledged afterward.
his wide mouth enlarged to receive The way which inwardly he took him, those spirits of darkness ready for the obtaining of godly sorrow was to seize on him, &c. this, he first entered into a serious These thoughts, and the like, had and special consideration of all his their work upon him in some frights sins, in thought, word, and deed, and astonishments, but a spirit of whether of omission or commission, contrition and compunction, he com. against God or man, which he drew plained, was far from him. How of out according to the several breaches ten did I hear him yet crying out, of each commandment, and for his “Oh! can you give me any receipt memory, by his pen put all into one that will work my heart into tears and inditement wherein he inight at once, sorrow?" The eye of his understand. as in a glass, view the face of his ing, he confessed, was sufficiently soul. After this rough draught, that enlightened, his conscience awakenhe might be the more astonisired, he ed, but still his heart and affections gave each of them their margival ag- were hardened. “All my friends," gravations, whereby they became ex- saith he, “are ashamed of me, have ceeding sinful by the circumstances forsaken me, but if God withdraw of time when, place where, and his grace from me what shall I do?” person against whom, done against And so desired me to speak to any the light of knowledge, often checks in the town, who I thought would of conscience, many seasonable ad be compassionate of his condition to monitions in public and private, not. pray for him, for which he thought withstanding the apparent hand of there was more cause than for any God in several crosses, special mer- bodily sickness; and here, by his own cies, unexpected preservation. Then experience, (whatsoever he had be. he considered with what presumption fore uttered) he found the vanity of he had siuned, even before Gud's that doctrine of free-will naturally in face, though he knew he was by him, man to any saving good, that though and his eye on him all the while: it be in his own power thus to kill What hardness of heart after it, though himself, yet it is not to make himself he could not but know God was an alive again. How firmly did he now gry with him, yet continued his im- believe repentance to be the gift of penitency as if he were careless whe- God, that it is he that worketh the ther he were pleased or no: his pub will and the deed? How happy did
he apprehend those that had broken trouble, now only the thoughts of his hearts, though not bound up again heart put him to a most grietous with comfort; and how unhappy agony that astonished me, and wrung such, whose hardened hearts could many tears from myself. not repent, though swimming in all And here it is observable, that as a earthly contents. And yet herein he fint is sooper broken upon a soft bed had a door of hope, that his dry soul than on a hard floor, so the representin time should be watered with this ing unto him the most compassionate dew of heaven, in that God did not merciful nature of God willing yet to give him over with Cain unto despair, be friends with him, so apt to forgive but still he stuck to his first principle, and forget all injuries; I say, the that mercy was attainable, his sins opening unto him the infinite sweet pardonable. The thing he only want disposition of him whom he had ofed was God's act in pouring upon fended, caused this holy indignation him that spirit of grace and supplica- against himself, and was a means to tion whereby he might mourn, and melt him into an entrance of this hapbe in bitterness of weeping for them; py condition; according to the arguhe saw there was a fountain of salva- ment of the apostle, Rom. xii. 1. as tion opened to him for sin and for un- elsewhere. cleanness; but his case was like the Now after this, by some interruppoor impotent man at the pool of Be- tion of other company, I was compel. thesda, wanted one to put him in: led to leave him till late at night, when his first supporter in this case was that visiting him again, I found him getof Nehemiah, “we desire to fear thy ting further ground of himself, and name,” that of our Saviour, “you that that time was the first I heard hin are heavy laden” and “whosoever pray, the main subject being a sorwill, whosover is a thirst, letbini come;" rowful large confession of his vileness, and indeed this was some change in with deep aggravations, prevalent arhim : before he was wont to fling the guments for mercy, hearty thankful. thoughts of grief out of his mind, did ness for any beginnings of breakings his utmost to put them from him; in him, and sending a brother wiiling now he bewailed their absence, he to bear the burden with him, which, grieved that he could not grieve. To with divers others were so aptly and be altogether insensible is very oppo- fully exprest, and in that latitude, site to the state of grace, but to be that as it was beyond my imagination, sensible of an insensibleness proceeds so it wrought much upon my afferfrom some already. The sight and tion, and this was the first time, he sense of sin was some pledge of a said, he ever felt indeed what befurther perfection, at least, that God longed to prayer. He had said one had not given him over unlo death, over often as others usually do, but as Manaoh's wife said to her husband,' he found a great difference between « if the Lord were pleased to kill us that and the spirit of prayer, and so he would not have shewn us thus we parted for that night. much, nor told us such things as The next day he desired we might these."
koop together in the nature of a fast, In this wrestling with God for re- when nobody came to hiin but myself, pentance, and such a measure of godly from nine of the clock till between sorrow, that might be proportionable three and four in the afternoon, which for so great a sinner, was Monday he set apart for the finishing what he and part of Tuesday spent by him. had begun before. Such a counteWhen in the afternoon upon some nance of a perplexed soul did I never further discourse, the sore of his soul see as his seemed to me that morning being now ripened, burst forth; and at our first meeting, so sore had the his mind being a burthen to himself weight of his sins pressed his feeble he unloaded his conscience to me in conscience that night, in a private some particulars, but with such a audit between God and bimselt. flood of tears, casting himself down At our entrance he desired me to the ground, taking me by the hand again to stir up in him a further ap and desiring me to kneel down with prehension of his wretched condition, hiin, and pray for him, that I have how odious his sins had made him in never seen the like : whercas before his sight with whom he had now to he could swallow gross acts without do, that the nearer he drew to God the more he might, like Job, abhor self be plunged into. He began to himself; to use his own words, “I find already such sweetness in tears pray, (saith he), deal truly, freely, for sin, that he often prayed like those and impartially with me. Look not in the Gospel, Lord evermore give us upon me as one that hath had some ho- this bread, desired there were a well nour in the Church (from which I am of such living water in him that might worthily fallen), but as upon the most stream down his cheeks continually, abject, base person in the world.” He wished that he might be in them was resolved to set himself as before wafted over into another world, and God's tribunal, and to pour forth his till then not to be wiped from his heart fully unto me; the thing he only eyes. desired was a further spirit of com- After this, many conflicts and doubts punction, that his eyes might be like assaulted him, which would be too Jeremiah's, a fountain of tears to many to relate. Perplexed he was at weep day and night. After some the consideration of some passages of such instructions as he had desired humiliation in Ahab, Felix, Judas, he fell upon his knees with a most finding that wicked men may cry affectionate prayer, in the acknow- earnestly for mercy and yet have lit ledging of God's omnipresence and tle love to God, less to grace. A pasoinniscience, infinite wisdom and jus- sage he read casually of Francis tice, &c. praying for a further sense Spira disturbed him more, viz, that and sorrow for those sins which he he begged for grace itself, as a bridge was now about to rip up without any "to get to heaven by. Sometimes he extenuation or concealing, and so set doubted if the time and cause of his open his heart indeed in a plenary return, being so late and out of neparticular confession of all his sins hecessity, would be accepted, (accordcould remember from his youth till ing to such threatenings, Prov. i. 26, now, (the heads of which he had, 27, and the like.) Seldom did he for his memory, penned,] but with think of any passionate fit of mournsuch bitter tears, such sorrowsul sighs, ing, such as David's for Absalom, the whole time either upon his knees but he thought it checked his for his or prostrating himself upon the ground, sins to be as nothing, which, being as cannot be expressed; which took so great, and the issue so miserable so with me, as I never wept more at even the loss of his soul, he judged, the loss of my dearest friend: and in should have exceeded them much conclusion, after he had thus unlock- both in measure and continuance. ed to use his own words) the maga- When in these and divers others he zine of his sinful soul, (for which his was satisfied, then fears of another shame was as evident as his griet) nature rose, viz, that if he were truly he intreated me, if I could discern getting out of the devil's snare, it any true penitency in him, and judg- could not be, but he should be pured him to be in the state of pardon, sued with further horrors and terrors, to pronounce it to him in Christ's tending to despair, which he had not stead, that it would be some comfort felt. In this he was thus satisfied, to his conscience for me to declare so that expectation of temptations was a much unto him. But what tears fell preparation for them, and such the on both sides, how he prayed both devil did not usually set upon; and before and after, that God would ra- that if ever he did appear it would be tify it in heaven and seal it inwardly in some wiles, and at such times, as to his soul, can scarce be imagined. he should least suspect he had a hand
Now, however, he found some pre- in them, which I verily believe did so sent ease in this emptying himself of fall out in some distractions afterwards. himself, yet still he grew very jealous, The many objections which he not Wat he was not yet come to that only found but studied against himdepth of sorrow regnisite for so great self, as it was a task to clear, so a a sinner. The fears and troubles of school to learn much experience in, Francis Spira he wished for, whose so cautelous was he of any rocks life and death he had a great desire to which in this mist might split him, so read, but I thought it not fitting. One suspicious of any sands that might thing that troubled him long was my swallow him, so accurate in searchweeping with him, gathering from ing out any secret leak within himself thence, that if an ear witness were that might sink him; thus fearful and so moved what should the party him- full of doubts was he till he found himself anchored upon safe and firm night he was much disquieted, which ground, a blessed fear, a happy trem- he took as a punishment for his desire bling. The story of Manasses he read of it, and so gave it over. often, who beginning to repent in One passage he took special notice fetters as he had now in prison, was of, that the same friend of his, who a comfort to him. That of St. Paul not many days before had been very to the Corinthians, the 1 Epist. vi. harsh with him, fearing the party to chap. ver. 9, 10, 11. "And such were whom he had given up himself was some of you, but ye are washed, but too mild and would not deal roughly ye are sanctified, but ye are justified, enough with him, &c. now visiting &c." was the like.
him again, and finding that change On Thursday, the next morning, he in him wished his soul in his case, and desired to receive the communion, applied all comforts to him, wbich when I provided myself with such coming from the same m3uth that had matter as I conceived fit for him by used him so sharply before drew maway of preparation, and so with some ny tears of joy from him, and conother's appointed to communicate with formed him; divers divines, with him, he received it with penitential others that came to visit him, did the expressions, and after that was some- like, and rejoiced much at the sight of what comforted. He desired me to him. stay dinner with him, as the last set That night his prayer was to my meal he intended in this world. The admiration (with which, his desire magnanimity of the man I did much was, we might every time we parted admire, his cheerfulness in counting conclude.) It is known what an exhow many hours he had to live, his cellent faculty he had naturally, in a solid counsel to his wife, who (upon ready present expression of what he his discourse of death and thankful- understood, either in ecclesiastical or ness to God for this punishment) fell civil affairs. Now God had given into a passion; his comforting of her him another heart, he did as much that he was upon an advancement, excel in spiritual. How desirous he and why should she be against it? was still to be put upon the trial for that his sins were not the greater for saving grace, by any signs of discothe shame he was to suffer; that the veries (in which we run through only thing to be feared in death is the many) would be impertinent to resting of it, which he hoped was now late. taken out; that he trusted God, who Naturally he was not apt for tears, had forgiven the sin, would also in but now he was a man of tears; be. time abate the scandal and provide fore given to pride and vain glory, for her also, if she could by faith rely now humble, thankful for the counsel upon him.
of the meanest person, attentive to That afternoon (the storm in his any advice, open in the abasing and conscience being scmewhat allayed) condemning himself to whomsoever he had many calm and comfortable came at him; his very countenance discourses of the privileges of Chris- was altered. When he heard of the tians, admitted to be not only servants, Lord Deputy Wandesford's death friends, but sons of God, heirs and (who had no long sickness), with co-heirs with Christ, called his love, others who died suddenly, being in his spouse, said to be married to him, health at his condemnation, his appli. to have a fellowship with him, &c. cation to me was, what cause he had which he desired to have largely de- to bless God it was not so with him, clared unto him. Then was his cof- who must undoubtedly then have sunk fint brought into his chamber, (though down to hell. What thankfulness did he was displeased he had it not long he confess, he owed to God and man before :) it came seasonably, he now for this week's preparation. Appre. looked on it with little consternation hended it as no small token of God's of mind, only as on his bed he must love to him, in giving him his portion sleep in; and yet even then another of shame in this world as a means to thing troubled him, which he feared shun it in the world to come, which was a stupidity, viz. that he was no he once expressed with such a height more disturbed with the approach of of affection as I wondered at, bedeath, having slept quietly the night lieving that nothing but this or the before; in which after he was satis- like would have wrought upon his fied, yet it fell so out that the next masterless disposition, which under
any other troubles he feared would themselves, should have procured still have lingered, like Latin Sodom, some better place, he sent for the (ready to be fired) till he was haled clerk of St. John's, and the verger of out, or like cattle within a house and Christ's Church (of which he was fire about them, yet stir not till they once prebend), to whom I was a witare drawn out. And herein he was ness of his charge, that they should so far from bearing any hatred to not suffer him to be buried in that such as had prosecuted him, that he Church, or in any ordinary place in accounted them his best friends, ap- the church-yard, but appointed it in plying the case of Phæreus Jason to the furthest corner where some rub, himself, whom his enemy running bish was used to be cast, and where through with a sword opened an im- none could be remembered ever to posthume, which th. physicians could have been buried before, when with not cure. That howsoever his ene- many tears to them he condemned mies, as Joseph said of his brethren, himself as unworthy of the commu. might intend his hurt, yet God had nion of the dead as now of the turned it to his good; by his death living. they had saved his life, and so he A fter this he related unto me, in owed them thanks, , acknowledged several discourses, divers observable God's goodness to him in his sudden passages in his former life, and since surprisal and strict imprisonment, that he came into the castle, tending to as no counsel would coine unto him the magnifying of God's justice and so he was not permitted to go into the mercy to him, some of which he left town to them, by which liberty it to my judgment if the knowledge of may be some evasions might have them might be useful to others. The been contrived for his escape, which disrespect and neglect of bis mother would have proved his everlasting since he came to ability he acknow, undoing. That speech of his, periis- ledged, according to the fifth comsem, si non periissem; or that of ano. mandment, to be just that his days ther's (whom a shipwreck occasioned should be shortened. the being a philosopher) cum secundis His often wishing would he were retis naviguvi, quando naufragium hanged it this or that be so, &c. feci, was in substance his often appli- (which in some protestations fell out cation to himself.
to be false) went not in the same jus, After the Lord Deputy's death, tice unobserved. His once in anger, when the rumour of sonie hope of a and by way of revenge, scaring his reprival came to his ear (by such who mother, that he would go hang him. thought they did him a good office) self on a common gallows they rode till another governor succeeded, it by, with his horse's bridle. This moved him not, as rather chusing a howsoever done in his youth, and not present deserved death than the pro- meaning it, yet he observed God's longing of an ignominious life, where- justice in bringing him to it in earnest. by the scandal (which he was now His reading of naughty books, (of most troubled for) would but increase, which he named some and wished He did so abhor himself, that once a they were burned), viewing of inthought rising within him to have pe- modest pictures, frequenting of plays, titioned to have been beheaded, (for drunkenness, &c. were the causes and which some precedents he could have movers to fouler facts: let men by this produced); he told me, he answered example forbear thein. About three himself by himself with indignation, weeks (as I take it) be!ore the com. that a dog's death was too good for plaint was put in against him in pare him, and so judged himself to the liament, the man who had been the Jast, which appeared by this particu- corrupter of him in his youth, whom Jar, that he was casting with himself he had not seen twenty years before, where he might be buried so as to came casually out of England into be out of remembrance, wished his this kingdom and visited him, the grave were in the bottom of the sea sight of whom did so affright him as where he had deserved to be cast if some Ghost had appeared to him; with a millstone about his neck for he said his very heart misgave him, that offerice and scandal he had given; and his conscience apprehended him, the church-yard he thought was too as some presage or messenger of a much honour for him: and in conclu- present vengeance drawing nigh him. sion, lest his friends, being left to His too much zeal and forwardness,