felt. But I was obliged still to continue in their presence with such a subjection as is scarcely conceivable. My husband looked on his watch, if at any time I had liberty allowed me for prayer, to see if I stayed above half an hour. If I exceeded it, he grew very uneasy. Sometimes I said to him, "Grant me one hour to divert and employ myself " as I have a mind." And though he would have granted it to me for other diversions, yet for prayer he would not. I confess inexperience caused me much trouble, and I have often thereby given occasion for what they made me suffer: For ought I not to have looked on my captivity as an effect of the will of my Gon, to content myself therein, and to make it my only desire and prayer? But I often fell back again into the anxiety of wishing to get time for prayer; which was not agreeable to my husband. It is true those faults were more frequent in the beginning. Afterwards I prayed to GoD in his own retreat, in the temple of my heart, and then I went out no more,

CHAP.

WE

CHA P. XVII,

E went into the country, where I com mitted many faults, letting myself go too much after my inward attraction. I thought I might do it then because my husband diverted himself with building. If I stayed from him any time he was dissatisfied, which sometimes happened, as he was continually talking with the workmen.. I set myself in a corner, and there had my work with me, but could scarce do any thing by reason of the force of the attraction which made the work fall out of my hands. I passed whole hours this way, without being able either to open my eyes or know what passed in me; but I had nothing to wish for, nor yet to be afraid of. Every where I found my proper centre, because every where I found Gop.

My heart could then desire nothing but what it had; for this disposition extinguished all its desires; and I sometimes said to myself, "What "wantest thou? What fearest thou?" And I was surprized to find upon trial that I had nothing to fear. Every place I was in was my proper place.

As I had generally no time allowed me for prayer but with difficulty, and would not be suf fered to rise till seven o'clock, my bed being in my husband's room on account of his illness-I stole up at four, and kneeling in my bed continued there while he thought me asleep, for I wished not to offend him, and strove to be punctual and assiduous in every thing.-But this soon affected

my

my health and injured my eyes, which were still very weak, it being but eight months since I had the small-pox.-This loss of rest brought a heavy trial on me, for as even my sleeping hours were much broken, by the fear of not waking in timeI insensibly dropt asleep at my prayers, even the half hour that I got after dinner, though I felt quite wakeful yet drowsiness overpowered me. I endeavoured to remedy this by the severest bodily inflictions, but in vain.

As we had not yet built the chapel, and were far from any church, I could not go to prayers or Sacrament, without the permission of my husband-and he was very reluctant to suffer me except on Sundays and holydays-I could not go out in the coach, so that I was obliged to make use of some stratagems, and to get service performed very early in the morning, to which feeble as I was I made a shift to creep on foot, although it was a quarter of a league distance. And really GOD wrought wonders for me: For generally, in the mornings when I went to prayers, my husband did not wake till after I was returned: Often, as I was going out, the weather was so cloudy, that the girl I took with me, told me, "I could not

go; or if I did, I should be soaked with the "rain." I answered her with my usual confidence, "GOD will assist us." I generally reached the chapel without being wet: When got thither, the rain fell excessively. When I returned it ceased. When I got home it began again with fresh violence. During several years that I have acted this way, I have never been deceived in my confidence. When I was in town, and could find nobody up, to be seen, I was surprized that there came to me priests

priests to ask me if I was willing to receive the communion, and that if I was they would give it to me. I had no mind to refuse, oh my Love, the opportunity which thou thyself offeredst me; for I had no doubt of its being thee who inspired them to propose it. Before I had contrived to get divine service at the chapel I have mentioned, I have often suddenly awaked with a strong impulse to go to prayers. My maid would say to me, "But, madam, you are going to tire yourself " in vain. There will be no service there.' For that chapel was not yet regularly served: However I went full of faith, and at my arrival have found them just ready to begin. If I could particularly enumerate the remarkable providences, which were hereupon given in my favour, there would be enough to fill whole volumes

with.

WHEN I wanted to hear from, or write to, Mother GRANGER, I often felt a strong propensity to go to the door. There I found a messenger with a letter from her, which could not have fallen into my hands but for that. But this is only a small instance of these kind of continual providences. She was the only person I could be free to lay open my state to, when I could get to see her, which was with the greatest difficulty; and through providential assistance; having not only been prohibited by my confessor and husband, but all means, that could be devised, were put in practice by my mother-in-law to prevent it. I placed an extreme confidence in Mother GRANGER. I concealed nothing from her, either of my sins or my pains. I would not have 'done the least thing without telling her. I did

not

not now practise any austerities but those she was willing to allow me. There was nothing which I kept from her but my interior dispositions, these I was scarce able to tell, because I knew not how to explain myself thereon, being very ignorant of those matters, having never read or heard of them.

ONE day when they thought I was going to see my father, I ran off to Mother GRANGER. It was discovered, and cost me such crosses as I cannot express; their rage against me, was so excessive that it would be incredible, even my writing to her was extremely difficult. For as I had the utmost abhorrence of a lie, I forbad the footman to tell any. When they were met they were asked whither they were going, and if they had not any letters. My mother-in-law set herself in a little passage, through which those who went out must necessarily pass by her. She asked them whither they were going and what they carried. Sometimes going on foot to the Benedictines, I caused shoes to be carried, that they might not perceive by the dirty ones that I had been far. I durst not go alone; and those who attended me had orders to tell every place I went to. If they were discovered to fail in doing it, they were either corrected or turned out of their service.

My husband and mother-in-law were always inveighing against that good woman, though in reality they esteemed her. I sometimes made my own complaint to her; and she replied, "How "should you content them, when I have been doing all in my power for these twenty years

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