of so great an advantage; for I never knew its value better than in its loss. Oh, dear cross, my faithful companion! As my Saviour became incarnate, only to die in thy arms, should not I be conformable to him in that: And wilt not thou be the means of uniting me to him for ever? O my Love, I cried, punish me any way, but take not the cross from me. This amiable cross returned to me with so much the more weight, as my desire was more vehement. I could not reconcile two things, they appeared to me so very opposite: viz. To desire the cross with so much ar dour, and to support it with so much difficulty and pain.

GOD knows well, in the admirable œconomy he observes, how to render the crosses more weighty, conformable to the ability of the creature to bear them; giving them always something new and unexpected. Hereby my soul began to be more resigned, and to comprehend that the state of absence, and of wanting what I longed for, was in its turn, more profitable than that of always abounding: because this latter nourished self-love. If God did not act thus, the soul would never die to itself. That principle of self-love is so crafty and dangerous, that it cleaves to every thing.

WHAT gave me most uneasiness, in this time of darkness and crucifixion, both within and without, was an inconceivable readiness to be quick and hasty. When any answer a little too lively escaped me, (which served not a little to humble me,) they said, "I was fallen into a mortal sin." A conduct no less rigorous than this was quite necessary for me; for I was so proud, passionate, and

of

of a humour naturally thwarting, wanting always to carry matters my own way, and thinking my own reasons better than those of others; that, hadst thou, oh my GoD! spared the strokes of thy hammer, I should never have been formed to thy will, to be an instrument for thy use; for I was ridiculously vain. Applause rendered me intolerable. I praised my friends to excess, and blamed others without reason: But, the more criminal I have been, the more I am indebted to thee, and the less of any good can I attribute to myself. Oh, how blind are men who attribute to others the holiness that GOD gives them! I believe, my God, that thou hast had children, who under thy grace, owed much to their own fidelity; but as for me, I owe all to thee; I glory to confess it; I cannot acknowledge it to much.

So

IN acts of charity I was very assiduous. great was my tenderness for the poor, that I wished to have supplied all their wants; I could not see their necessity, without reproaching my self for the plenty I enjoyed. I deprived myself of all I could to help them. The very best at my table was distributed among them. There were few of the poor where I lived, who did not partake of my liberality. It seemed as if thou hadst made me thy only Almoner there, for being refused by others, they came all to me. "Oh my divine Love! I cried, it is thy sub66 stance; I am only the steward of it. I ought

to distribute it according to thy will." I found means to relieve them without letting myself be known, because I had one who dispensed my alms privately. When there were families who were ashamed to take in this way, I

sent

sent it to them as if I owed them a debt. I clothed such as were naked, and caused young girls to be taught how to earn their livelihood, especially such as were handsome, to the end that being employed, and having whereon to live, they might not be under a temptation to throw themselves away. GOD made use of me to reclaim several from their disorderly lives; and there was one of beauty and distinction, who has since made a happy end. I went to visit the sick, to comfort them, to make their beds. I made ointments, dressed their wounds, buried their dead. I privately furnished tradesmen and mechanics wherewith to keep up their shops. My heart was much opened toward my fellow-creatures in distress: And few indeed could carry charity much farther than our Lord enabled me to do, according to my state, both while married and since.

To purify me the more from the mixture I might make of his gifts with my own selflove, he gave me interior probations, which were very heavy. I began to experience an insupportable weight, in that very piety which had formerly been so easy and delightful to me; not that I did not love it extremely, but I found myself defective in that noble practice of it, to which I aspired. The more I loved it, the more I laboured to acquire what I saw I failed in. But alas! I seemed continually to be overcome by that which was contrary to it. My heart, indeed, was detached from all sensual pleasures. For these several years past, it has seemed to me that my mind is so detached and absent from the body, that I do things as if I did them not. If I eat or refreshed S

myself

myself, it is done with such an absence, or sea paration, as I wonder at, and with an entire mortification of the keenness of sensation in all the natural functions.

T

CHAP. XIX.

O resume the thread of my history, the small-pox had so much hurt one of my eyes, that it was feared I should lose it. The gland at the corner of my eye was much injured. An imposthume arose from time to time between the nose and the eye, which gave me exquisite pain till it was lanced. It swelled all my head to that degree, that I could not bear even a pillow. The least noise was an agony to me, though sometimes they made a great one in my chamber; and yet this was a precious time to me, for two reasons; the first, because I was left in bed alone, where I had a sweet retreat without interruption; the other, because it answered the desire which I had after suffering, which desire was so great, that all the austerities of the body would have been but as a drop of water to quench so great a fire; and indeed the severities and rigours which I then exercised were extreme-but they appeased not at all this appetite for the cross. For 'tis thou alone, Oh Crucified SAVIOUR, who canst frame the Cross, truly effectual for the death of SELF. Let others bless themselves in their ease or gaiety, grandeur or pleasures, poor temporary heavens: As for me, my desires were all turned another way, even to the silent path of suffering for CHRIST, and to be united to him, through the mortification of all that was of na

ture

ture in me, that my senses, appetites and will, being dead to these, might wholly live in him.

of

I obtained leave to go to Paris for the cure

my eye; and yet it was much more thro' the desire I had to see Monsieur BERTOT, a man of profound experience, whom Mother GRANGER had lately assigned to me for my director. "I went to take my leave of my father, who embraced me with peculiar tenderness, little thinking then that it would be our last adieu.

PARIS was a place now no longer to be dreaded as in times past. The throngs only served to draw me into a deep recollection, and the noise of the streets but augmented my inward prayer. I saw Monsieur BERTOT, who did not prove of that service to me, which he would have done if I had then had the power to explain myself: but though I wished earnestly to hide nothing from him, yet God held me so close to himself, that I could tell him scarce any thing at all. As soon as I spoke to him every thing was vanished from my mind, so that I could remember nothing but some few faults which I told him. As I saw him very seldom, and nothing stayed in my recollection, and as I read of nothing any way resembling my case, I knew not how to open myself upon it. side I desired to make nothing known, but the evil which was in me. Therefore Monsieur BERTOT knew me not till after his death. This was of great utility to me, for taking away every support, and making me truly die to myself.

Be

I WENT to pass the ten days, from the Ascension to Whitsuntide, at an abbey four leagues

from