thought there appeared on the side of God, on my own, and from all creatures, one general condemnation, my conscience was a witness against me, which I could not appease; yet what may appear strange, the sins of my youth did not then give me any pain at all. They did not rise up in judgment against me, but there appeared one universal testimony against all the good I had done, and all the sentiments of evil I had entertained. If I went to confessors, I could tell them nothing of my condition; and if I could have told them, they could not have understood it. They would have regarded as eminent virtues, what, oh my GOD, thy eyes all pure and chaste rejected as infidelity. It was then that I felt the truth of what thou hast said, that thou judgest our righte ousness. Oh how pure art thou! Who can comprehend it? It was then that I turned my eyes on every side, to see what way succour might come to me; but my succour could come no way but from him who made heaven and earth. As I saw there was no safety for me, or spiritual health in myself, I entered into a secret complacency in seeing no good in myself whereon to rest, or presume for salvation. The nearer my destruction appeared, the more I found in GoD himself, wherewith to augment my trust and confidence, notwithstanding he seemed so justly irritated against me. It seemed to me that I had in JESUS CHRIST all that was wanting in myself. Oh, Holy JESUS! I was that lost sheep of the House of Israel, whom thou wast come to save: Thou wast come to save her who could find no salvation out of thee. Oh ye stout and righteous men! Observe as much as ye please of excellence in what ye have done to the glory of God. As for me,

I only glory in my infirmities, since they have merited for me such a SAVIOUR!

ALL my troubles, joined to the loss of my reputation, which yet was not so great as I apprehended, (it being only amongst a party) rendered me so unable to eat, that it seemed wonderful how I lived. In four days I did not eat as much as would make one very moderate repast. I was obliged to keep my bed through mere weakness, my body being no longer able to support the burden laid upon it. If I had thought, known, or heard tell, that there had ever been such a 'state as mine, it would have exceedingly relieved me: But my very pain appeared to me to be sin. Spiritual books, when. I tried to read them, all contributed only to augment it; for I saw in myself none of those degrees which they set down. I did not so much as comprehend them. And when they treated of the pains of certain states, I was very far from attributing any of them to myself. I said to myself, "These per

66

sons feel the pains of divine operations; but "as to me, I sin, and feel nothing but my own "wicked state." I could have wished to separate the sin from the confusion of sin, and provided I had not offended GoD, all would have been easy to me.

SEE here a slight sketch of my last miseries, which I am glad to let you know, because in their beginning I omitted many infidelities, having had too much of an earnest attachment, vain complaisance, unprofitable and tedious conversations, though self-love and nature made a sort of necessity for them; but toward the latter

part

part I could not have borne a speech too human, nor the least thing of the kind. GoD by an apparent evil purified me from the real evil. Might not I then well sing with the church, "O happy sin, which has obtained such a Redeemer for me!"

THE

CHAP. XXVI.

HE first religious person that God made use of to draw me to himself, to whom (according to his desire) I writ from time to time, wrote to me in the depth of my distress, desiring me to write to him no more, signifying his disapprobation of what came from me, and that I displeased GOD greatly. A father, a Jesuit, who had esteemed me much, wrote to me in like manner. No doubt, it was by thy permission, they thus contributed to compleat my desolation. I thanked them for their charity, and commended myself to their prayers. It was then so indifferent to me to be decried of every body, even of the greatest saints, that it added but little to my pain. The pain of displeasing GOD, and the strong propensity I felt in myself to all sorts of faults, caused still my most lively and sensible pain.

I had been accustomed from the beginning to dryness and to privation*. I even preferr

ed

*For those unacquainted with the Lives and Writings of such deeply interior persons as Lady GUION, it may be particularly necessary, to throw in a few observations on this passage. She here treats of that severe purification,

Z

ed it to the state of abounding, because I knew that I must seek GoD above all. I had even,

at

rification, which precedes the total renewal of the soul in GOD,-its restoration to all it had lost in Adam; a state which the old Puritans called transformatian, which the Mystics commonly call the unitive state, which some at present, term, the state of sanctification, and which, in the Scriptures is also explained by different appellations, and strongly expressed by St. PAUL-The fullness of the stature of the new man in CHRIST JESUS. The whole spiritual process, including this state of purification, is comprehended in the following extract from a late celebrated writer. "At first," says he, "divine "grace acts upon us differently, by motives of self"interest, and attracts by celestial delectation, or in"ward remorses. It discovers to us by turns, the "beauty of virtue, or the deformity of vice, the punish"ments that attend crimes, and the pure delights that ❝are to be enjoyed in a future immortality. Fear and "hope act in us alternately. Sometimes the soul is ❝ filled with a sacred horror for its present state, a bit❝ter anguish for its infidelities, and a true desire of satisfying divine justice. At other times, truth shows "itself to the mind with all its charms, draws it with "soft smiles and endearing caresses, enchants us with "noble ideas, and celestial sensations. Then we attach "ourselves to the love of virtue, by the sweetness that "accompanies it, from a view of the recompence that "attends it; and by the natural invincible love of "happiness. Grace makes use of our natural dispo"sitions and faculties, to convert the soul to its super"natural object as beautifying. It is thus that we re"nounce all the delusions of sense, gather in our scat"tered powers that were dispersed upon things without ❝us, and retire into our spiritual natures, there to stu"dy our own hearts, and be acquainted with ourselves. "This is true conversion, and the beginning of wis"dom.

"After this, grace proceeds to another operation, "less delectable, but more purifying. It is then we "discover

at the first beginnings, an instinct of the innermost of my soul to pass over every manner of

thing

discover by degrees, all the labyrinths and windings "of the heart, all the refined passions of self-love, its "usurpations upon the rights of the Deity, its idolatrous ❝ complacency in its own virtues, and the secret pride "by which it referred them all to itself. To humble ❝ and cure it of this spiritual self-attribution, by which "the devils fell, crosses from within and from without "besiege it, temptations of all kinds molest it; the ima "gination seems unhinged; the passions, which it "thought extinguished, return upon it with more vio"lence than ever; all the sources of spiritual consolation are dried up. It can rejoice no more in its sublime "ideas, noble sentiments, and shining virtues. Like "gold purified in the fire, the central operations of di"vine justice and love, throws up from the bottom of "the soul to the surface, all its natural impurity, dross " and corruption: All its faculties seem darkened and "depraved; it feels for a long time its natural impo"tence, immense void, and absolute nothingness, and "the horrible solitude of a soul exiled from the divine 66 presence, that can neither take pleasure in the crea"tures, nor in itself.

"In fine, if the soul continues faithful in a total ab"negation of all outward and inward pleasure; of all "spiritual and terrestrial concupisance, of all corporal "and selfish delectation, it dies to its natural life, it "is evacuated of self, elevated above self, disengaged ❝fom self, becomes truly regenerated, and breathes «a new life hid with CHRIST in GOD, who invests "it, dwells in it, and becomes its life, light and love. "It is then that it enters into the HOLY OF HOLIES, "that it becomes a living temple of the most High, par"takes of the royal priesthood and offers up a perpetual "holocaust of praise, love, and adoration, while it prac"tises externally all the virtues and duties of its station. The first of these three operations detaches us from terrestrial objects: the second disengages us

"from