thing whatsoever, and to leave the gifts to run after the giver. But at this time my spirit and senses were in such a manner struck, by thy permission, oh my GoD, who wast pleased to destroy me without mercy, that the farther I went, the more every thing appeared to me a sin; even crosses appeared to me no more crosses but real faults. I thought I drew them all on myself by

"from false self-love: the third transforms us into the "divine image.'

29

Now the worst consequences may arise from our mis taking the degree of our spiritual advancement, and which alas too frequently happens: for the heart of man deceitful above all things, and prone to seize on every shadow for its own vindication, is ready to comfort and flatter itself, on every return of coldness and apathy to divine matters, that such a state is similar to that which our author mentions in this chapter. But beware, O reader, let not thy cold and barren soul, take refuge under the plausible supposition of inevitable dryness and aridities. For if thou yet harbourest one vice, one darling secret sin, or indulgest one carnal appetite, passion or temper; if thou cleavest to the world, heapest up riches, or seekest after honour or applause, if thou hast not like her, trampled upon, and abandoned all, and persevered for a length of time, wholly a stretch for the kingdom and glory of God, until a living and intimate sense of his divine presence abide in thee. I say, if thou hast not experienced all this, and yet find thy heart in a cold lifeless state of dry sterility,. attempt not to compare it, nor flatter thyself that it is at all similar to that state of radical purification, which our author describes in this chapter.

WITH regard to those drynesses and distractions, to which the generality of Christians are subject, and which arise from infidelity, unwatchfulness and sin, the reader is referred to the author's treatise on prayers which is subjoined to this work.

do

with the same dye Had I been able to formerly, or penan

by my imprudent words and actions. I was like those, who, looking through a coloured glass, behold every thing with which it is stained. any exterior actions as ces for my evil, it would have relieved me; but, I was forbidden to do the latter, beside, I grew so timorous, and felt in myself such a weakness, as made it appear impossible for me to do them; I looked on them with horror, I found myself now so weak and incapable of any thing of the kind.

METHINKS I omit many things, both of providences of GOD in my favour, and of rugged paths through which I was obliged to pass: But as I have only one general view, I leave them in the knowledge of GOD only. Afterwards, being forsaken of my director, the coldness towards me which I remarked in the persons conducted by him, gave me no more trouble, nor indeed the estrangement of all the creatures, on account of my inward humiliation. My brother also joined with those who exclaimed against me, even tho' he had never seen them before. I believe it was GOD who conducted things this way, for my brother has worth, and undoubtedly thought he did well in acting thus.

I WAS obliged to go about some business to a town where some near relations of my motherin-law lived. How did I find things changed here! When I was there before, they entertained me in a most elegant and obliging manner, regaling me from house to house with emula tion; But now they treated me with the utmost contempt, saying, they did it to revenge

what

what I made their relation suffer. As I saw the thing went so far, and that notwithstanding all my care and endeavours to please her, I had not been able to succeed, I resolved to come to an explanation with her. I told her, "that "there was a current report that I treated. "her ill, tho' I made it my study to give her 66 every mark of my esteem. If the report was 66 true, I desired her to allow me to remove "from her; for that I would not choose to stay "to give her pain, but only with a quite contrary "view." She answered very coldly, "I might "do what I would; for she had not spoken "bout it, but was resolved to live apart from "me." This was fairly giving me my discharge, and I thought of taking my measures privately to retire. As I had not, since my widowhood, made any visits but such as were of pure necessity, or charity, there were found too many discontented spirits, who made a party with her against me; while GoD required of me an inviolable secrecy of all my pains, both exterior and interior. There is nothing which makes nature die so much, as to find neither support nor consolation. In short I saw myself obliged to go out, in the middle of winter, with my children and my daughter's nurse. At that time there was no house empty in the town. The Benedictines offered me an apartment in theirs.

I was now in a great straight; on one side fearing least I was shunning the cross, on the other side thinking it unreasonable to impose my stay on one to whom it was only painful. Besides what I have related of his carriage, which still continued; when I went into the country to take a little repose, she complained that I left

her

her alone. If I desired her to come thither she would not. If I said, "I durst not ask her to "come, for fear of incommoding her, by chang

66

ing her bed," She replied, "It was only an "excuse, because I would not have her go; " and that I only went to be away from her." When I heard that she was displeased at my being in the country, I returned to the town. Then she could not bear to speak to me, or to ⚫ see me. I accosted her without making as if I saw how she carried it; but instead of making me any answer, she turned her head another way. I often sent her my coach, desiring her to come and spend a day in the country. She sent it back empty, without any answer. If I passed some days there without sending it, she complained aloud. In short, all I did to please her soured her, GoD so permitting it; for she had in the main a good heart, but was troubled with an uneasy temper And I do not fail to think myself under much obligation to her.

BEING with her on Christmas day, I said to her with much affection. 66 My mother, on this day "was the King of peace born, to bring it to us, "I beg peace of you in his name." I think that touched her, tho' she would not let it appear. The Ecclesiastic, whom I had with me at home, far from strengthening and comforting me, did nothing but weaken and afflict me, telling me that I ought not to suffer certain things. I had not credit enough to discharge any domestic, however defective or culpable. As soon as any of them were warned to go away, she sided with them, and all her friends interfered in it. As I was ready to go off, one of my mother-in-law's friends, a man of worth, who had always an es

teem

"me.

teem for me, without daring to shew it, having heard it, was much afraid lest I should leave the town; for the removal of my alms, he thought, would be a loss to the country. He resolved to speak to my mother-in-law, in the softest manner he could; for he knew her. After he had spoken to her, she said, "She would not put me "away, but if I would go she would not hinder After this he came to see me, and desired me to go and make an excuse to her, in order to content her. I told him, I should be willing to make a hundred, tho' "I did not know "about what; that I did it continually about every thing, which made her uneasy. But "that was not now the matter, for I made no complaint of her, but thought it not proper "for me to continue with her, to give her pain; "that it was but just that I should contribute to "her ease. However he went with me into her room. Then I told her, "That I begged her "pardon, if ever I had displeased her in any "thing, that it had never been my intention to "do it; that I desired her, before this gentle

man, who was her friend, to tell me wherein "I had given her any offence." Here GoD permitted, that she made a declaration of the truth in his presence. She said, "She was not a person to suffer herself to be offended; that "she had no other complaint against me but that "I did not love her, and that I wished her dead." I answered her, "That these thoughts were far "from my heart, so far from it, that I should "be glad, by my best care and attendance on "her, to prolong her days: that my affection "was real, but that she never would be persuaded

66 to