cr

to believe it, whatever testimonies I could give, so long as she hearkened to people who "spoke to her against me; that she had with

her a maid, who, far from shewing me any "respect, treated me ill, so far as to push me "when she wanted to pass by: She had done it "at church; making me give way to her with 66 as much violence as contempt, several times "also in my chamber grating me with her "words; that I had never complained of it; "because such a temper might one day give her "trouble." She took the girl's part: Never"theless we embraced one another, and it was left so. Soon after, when I was in the country, this maid, having me no more to vent her chagrins on, behaved in such a manner to my mother-in-law as she could not bear. She immediately upon it, put her out of doors. I must say here on my mother-in-law's behalf, that she had both sense and virtue, and except certain faults, which persons who do not practise prayer are lia ble to, she had good qualities. Perhaps I caused crosses to her without intending it, and she to me without knowing it. I hope what I write will not be seen by any who may be offended with it, or who may not be in a condition of seeing these matters in GOD.

THAT gentleman who had used me so ill, for breaking off my acquaintance with him, among his penitents had one who, for affairs which befell her husband, was obliged to quit the country. He himself was accused of the same things of which he had so liberally and unjustly accused me, and even of things much worse, and with more noise and outcry. Though I well knew all this, GoD granted me the favour never to make

my

his downfall the subject of discourse; never to open my lips about it. On the contrary, when any spoke to me of it, I pitied him, and said what I could in mitigation of his case. And GOD governed my heart so well, that it never offered to go into any vain joy at seeing him overtaken, and opprest, with those kind of evils. which he had been so assiduous in endeavouring to bring upon me. And though I knew that my mother-in-law was informed of it all, I never spoke to her about it, or about the sad confusions he had caused in a certain family. I did not lay hold on the opportunity to mention any thing of the wrong he had done me. I only an-swered her in a few words without blaming him; as GoD required of me such a silence about my crosses, for more than sixteen years, that my lips seemed sealed in every thing that regarded them.

CHAP.

Ο

CHAP. XXVII.

NE day during my husband's life time, loaden with sorrow, and not knowing what to do, I wished to speak to a person of distinction and merit, who came often into the country, and passed for one deeply interior. I wrote to request an opportunity with him, for that I wanted his instruction and advice: But soon after I felt remorse for it: And this voice sprung in my heart, "What,-dost thou seek for ease, "and to shake off my yoke?" Hereupon I instantly sent a note again to desire him to excuse me, adding, "That what I had wrote was only: "from self-love, and not necessity; that as he "knew what it was to be faithful to God, I hoped “he would not disapprove my acting with this "christian simplicity." Yet he resented it, which surprized me much, as I had conceived a high idea of his virtue. Virtues he has, but such as are full of the life and activities of nature, and unacquainted with the paths of mortification and death. Thou, oh my GoD, hast been my conductor even in these paths, as with admiration I have discovered since they are past. Blessed be thy Name for ever. I am obliged to bear this testimony to thy goodness.

BEFORE I Continue my narration, I must add one remark, which the LORD gave me to make upon the way by which he, in his goodness, was pleased to conduct me; which is, that this obscure path is the surest to mortify the soul, as it leaves it not any prop to lean upon for support. Though it has no application to any particular

state

state of JESUS CHRIST; yet, at its coming out it finds itself clothed with all his dispositions and divine states, having truly put on CHRIST. The impure and selfish soul, is hereby purified, as gold in the furnace. Full of its own judgment, and its own will before, but now obeys like a child, and finds no other will in itself. Before, it would have contested for a trifle: Now it yields' at first, not with reluctance and pain, by way of practising virtue, but as it were naturally. Its own vices are vanished. This creature so vain before now loves nothing but poverty, littleness and humiliation. It preferred itself above every body, now every body above itself, having a boundless charity for its neighbour, to bear with his faults and weaknesses, in order to win him by love, which before it could not do but with very great constraint. The rage of the wolf is changed to the meekness of the lamb.

DURING all the time of my experiencing my miseries and my deep trials, I went after no fine sights or recreations. When others went, I stayed at home. I wanted to see and know nothing but JESUS CHRIST. My closet was my only diversion. Even when the queen was near me, whom I had never seen, and whom I had desire enough to see; I had only to open my eyes, and look out to see her; yet did not do it. I had been fond of hearing others sing: And yet I was oncé four days with one who passed for the finest voice in the world, without ever desiring her to sing; which surprized her, because she was not ignorant that, knowing her name, I must know the charming excellence of her voice. However, I committed some infidelities, in enquiring what others said of me by way of blame. I met with

one

one who told me every thing. And though I shewed nothing of it, it served only to mortify me, as I saw I was yet too much alive to self, and that self-love and nature had put me upon this enquiry.

I SHOULD never be able to express the number of my miseries; but they are so vastly surmounted by the favours of GOD, and so swallowed up in these that I can see them no more. One of the things which gave me most pain in the seven years I have spoken of, especially the five last, was so strange a folly of my imagination that it gave me no rest. My senses bore it company in such sort that I could no more shut my eyes at church: And thus having all the gates and avenues open, I was like a vineyard exposed, because the hedges which the father of the family had planted were torn away. I saw then every

one that came and went, and every thing that passed in the church. For the same force, which had drawn me inward to recollection, seemed to push me outward to dissipation.

LOADEN with miseries of all sorts, weighed down with oppressions, and crushed under continual crosses, I thought of nothing else but ending my days thus, There remained in me not the least hope of ever emerging out of so distressing a state: But notwithstanding I thought I had lost grace for ever, and the salvation which it merits for us, I longed at least to do what I could for GOD, though I feared I should never love him; and seeing the happy state from whence I had fallen, I wished in gratitude to serve him, though I looked on myself as a victim doomed to destruction. Sometimes the view

of