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CHA P. IV.

FTER having been here about eight months, my father took me home again. My mother kept me more with her, beginning now to have a higher regard for me than before; yet she still preferred my brother, which was so visible, that every one spoke of it with dislike; for when I was sick, and met with any thing I liked, he demanded it; it was then taken from me, and given to him, tho' he was perfectly well in health. He was continually giving me new vexations. One day he made me mount upon the top of the coach; when he had done that, he threw me down on the ground; and by the fall I was bruised. At other times he beat me: But whatever he did, however wrong, was winked at, or had the most favourable construction put upon it. This conduct soured my temper: I had little disposition to do good, saying, "I was never the better for it." It was not then for thee alone, oh God, that I did good; since I ceased to do it, when it met not with such a reception from others as I wanted. Had I known how to make a right use of this thy crucifying conduct towards me, I should have made a good progress. Far from turning me out of the way, it would have made me turn more, wholly to thee. With jealous eyes I looked on my brother, seeing the wide difference made betwixt him and me. Whatever he did, he always did well; but the blame of all fell on me. My sisters by the mother made their court to her, by caressing him, and falling foul on me. It is true, I was bad: I was relapsed into my former faults of lying and peevishness. With all these faults, I was very tender and charitable to the poor, prayed to God assidu

ously,

ously, loved to hear any speak of him, and to read good books.

I MAKE no doubt, sir, that you will be amazed at such a series of inconsistencies: but what succeeds, will surprize you yet more, when you see this manner of acting gain ground with my years, and that as my reason ripened it was so far from correcting such irrational conduct, that sin grew more powerful in me. O my God, thy grace seemed to be redoubled in proportion to the increase of my ingratitude. It was with me as with a city beseged, thou didst surround my heart, and I only studied how to defend myself against thine attacks, I raised fortifications about the wretched place, adding every day to the number of mine iniquities, to prevent thy taking it. And when there was an appearance of thy becoming victorious, over this ungrateful heart, I raised a counter-battery, and threw up ramparts to keep off thy goodness, and to hinder the course of thy grace: none other could have conquered than thyself. Oh my Divine Love! whose sacred fire, was stronger than that state of death, into which sin had so often reduced me.

I CANNOT bear to hear it said, "We are not free "to resist grace." I have made too long and fatal an experience of my liberty. I closed up all the avenues of my heart, that I might not so much as hear that secret voice of God, which was calling me to himself. I have indeed, from my tenderest youth, passed thro' a series of grievances, either by maladies or by persecutions. The girl to whose care my mother left me, in dressing my head used to beat me, and did not make me turn it but with rage and blows. Every Every thing seemed in concert to punish me, but this instead of making me turn

unto thee, Oh my God! only served to afflict and embitter my mind. My father knew nothing of all this; for his love to me was such that he would not have suffered it. I loved him much, but at the same time I feared him, so that I told him nothing of it, My mother was often teazing him with complaints of me, to which he made no other reply than, "There are twelve hours in the day; "she'll grow wiser." This rigorous proceeding was not the worst for my soul, tho' it soured my temper, which was otherwise very mild and easy. But what caused my greatest hurt was, that not being able to endure those who treated me ill, I chose to be among those who caressed me, in order to corrupt and spoil me.

My father, seeing I was now grown pretty tall, placed me in Lent among the Ursulines, to receive my first communion at Easter, at which time I was to complete my eleventh year. And here my most dear sister under whose inspection my father placed me, redoubled her cares, to cause me to make the best preparation possible for this act of devotion. I thought now of giving myself to God in good earnest. I often felt a combat between my good inclinations and my bad habits. I even did some penances. As I was almost always with my sister, and as the boarders in her class, which was the first, were very reasonable and civil, I became such also, while among them. It had been murder to educate me badly; for my very nature was strongly disposed to goodness, and I loved every thing that tended thereto. Easily won with mildness, I did with pleasure whatever my good sister desired. At length Easter arrived, and I received the communion (which was preceded by a general confession) with much joy and devotion. And in

this house I stayed till Whitsuntide. But as my other sister was mistress of the second class, she demanded me in her week, to be with her in that class. Her manners, so opposite to the other's, made me relax my former piety. I felt no more that new and delightful ardour which had seized heart at my first communion. Alas! it held but a short time; for my faults and failings were soon reiterated, and drew me off from the care and duties of religion.

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As I now grew very tall for my age, and more to my mother's liking than before, she took care to deck and dress me out, to make me see company, and to take me abroad with her. She took an inordinate pride in that beauty with which God had formed me, only to bless and praise him, which was however perverted by me into a source of pride and vanity. Several suitors offered to me. But as I was not yet twelve years of age, my father would not listen to any proposals. I loved reading much, and shut myself up alone every day to read without interruption.

WHAT proved effectual to gain me over entirely to God, at least for a time, was that a nephew of my father's passed by our house, going on a mission to Cochinchina. I happened at that time to be gone a walking with my companions, which I seldom did. At my return he was gone. They gave me an account of his sanctity, and the things he had said. I was so touched therewith, that I was overcome with sorrow. I cried all the rest of the day and of the night. Early in the morning, I went in great distress to seek my confessor. I said to him, "What my father, am I the only person in our "family to be lost? Alas! help me in my salva ❝tion." He was greatly surprized to see me so

much

much afflicted, and comforted me in the best manner he could, not thinking me so bad as I was; for in the midst of my backslidings I was docile, punctual in obedience, careful to confess often; and since I went to him my life was more regular. Oh thou God of love, how often hast thou knocked at the door of my heart! how often terrified me with appearances of sudden death! Yet all these only made a transient impression. I presently returned again to my infidelities; but this time thou didst take, and I may say quite carried off my heart. Alas, what grief I now sustained for having displeased thee! what regrets, what exclamations, what sobbings! Who would have thought, to see me, but that my conversion would have lasted as long as my life? Why didst thou not, Oh my God, utterly take this heart to thyself, when I gave it to thee so fully; or if thou didst take it then, oh why didst thou let it revolt again afterward? Thou wast surely strong enough to hold it, but thou would'st perhaps, in leaving me to myself display thy mercy, that the depth of my iniquity might serve as a trophy to thy goodness.

I immediately applied myself to every part of my duty. I made a general confession with great compunction of heart. I frankly confessed all that I knew with torrents of tears. I became so changed that I was scarce to be known. I would not for ever so much have made the least voluntary slip; and they found not any matter for absolution when I confessed. I discovered the very smallest faults: And God did me the favour to enable me to conquer myself in many things. There were left only some remains of passion, which gave me some trouble to conquer: But as soon as I had by means thereof, given any displeasure, even to the domestics, I begged their pardon, in order to subdue

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