for things were taken contrary to their intent: But my husband was sensible of my innocence, and the falshood of the insinuations of my motherin-law.

SUCH weighty crosses, made me return to God. I began to deplore the sins of my youth; for since my marriage I had not committed any voluntarily Yet I still had some sentiments of vanity remaining, which I wished not to have. However my troubles now counterbalanced them. Moreover many of them appeared just to the little light I then had; for I was not yet illuminated to penetrate the essence of vanity; I fixed my thoughts only on its appearance. I tried to amend my life by penance, and by a general confession, the most, exact that I ever yet had made. I quitted all my romances, for which I lately had such a fondness. Tho' some time before my marriage, it had been damped by reading the gospel, I was so affected therewith, and discovered that character of truth therein, as to put me out of conceit with all the other books. They appeared then to me only full of lies and deceit. I now put away even indifferent books, to have none but such as were profitable. I resumed the practice of prayer, and endeavoured to offend my GoD no more. I felt his love gradually recover the ascendant in my heart, and banish every other. Yet I had still an intolerable vanity, and self-complacency, which has been my most 'grievous and obstinate sin.

My crosses redoubled every day. What rendered them more painful was, that my mother-inlaw, not content with the bitterest speeches, which she uttered against me, both in public and private. She would break out in a passion about the smallest trifles, and scarcely be pacified for a fortnight together,

.

gether. I passed part of my time in bewailing myself when I could be alone: And my grief became every day more bitter. Sometimes I could not contain myself, when I saw girls, who were my domesticks, and owed me submission, treat me so ill. Nevertheless I did what I could to subdue my temper, which has cost me not a little.

SUCH stunning blows so impaired the vivacity of my nature, that I became like a lamb that is shearing. I prayed to our LORD to assist me, and he was my refuge. As my age differed from theirs (for my husband was twenty two years older than I) I saw well that there was no probability of changing their humours, which were fortified with years: As I found that whatever I said was offensive, even those things which others would have been pleased with, I knew not what to do. One day, weighed down with grief, about six months after I was married, being alone, I was tempted even to cut out my tongue, that I might no longer irritate those who seized at every word with rage and resentment -But thou O GOD didst stop me short and shewed me my folly. I prayed continually, I communicated, I wished even to become dumb, so simple and ignorant was I. Tho? I have had my share of crosses, I never found any so difficult to support, as that of perpetual contrariety, without relaxation; of doing all one can to please, without ever succeeding therein, but even still offending by the very means designed to oblige, and being kept with such persons, in a most severe confinement, from morning till night, without ever daring to quit them. I have found that great crosses overwhelm, and stifle all anger at once. But such a continual contrariety irritates and stirs up a sour ness at the heart. It has such a strange effect,

that

that it requires the utmost violence, of self re straint not to break out into vexation and rage.

SUCH was my condition in marriage, rather that of a slave than of a free person. And for a new augmentation of my disgraces, I perceived, four months after my marriage that my husband was gouty. This malady, caused me many crosses, both within and without. He had the gout twice this year, six weeks each time. Soon after it returned again; and he had it still worse than before. He was so much plagued with it, that he came no more out of his room, nor often out of his bed, which he usually kept for several months. I carefully attended him, tho' so very young. I did not fail exerting myself to the utmost in my duty. But alas! all this did not gain me their friendship. I had not even the consolation to know whether what I did was agreeable. I denied myself all the most innocent diversions, to continue with my husband; and did whatever I thought would please him. Sometimes he suffered me quietly, and then I esteemed myself very happy: But at other times I seemed insupportaable. My particular friends said, "I was of a fine 66 age indeed to be a nurse to an invalid, and that "it was a shameful thing that I did not set more "value on my talents." I answered them, "since “I had a husband, I ought to share his painful as "well as his pleasing circumstances." Besides my mother, instead of pitying me, reprimanded me sharply for my assiduity about my husband; assuring me that I should render myself unhappy by

it;

and that he would afterwards demand, as a duty, what I now did out of virtue. But oh my GOD, how different were thy thoughts from theirs, what appeared without from what passed within! My husband had that foible, that when any one

said any thing to him against me, he flew into a passion at once. It was the conduct of providence over me: For he was a man of reason and loved me much. When I was sick, he was inconsolable. I believe, had it not been for my mother-inlaw, and the girl I have spoken of, I should have been very happy with him: For most men have their passions; and it is the duty of a reasonable woman to bear them peaceably, without irritating them more by cross replies.

THESE things thou hast ordered, oh my GoD, in such a manner by thy goodness, that I have since seen, it was necessary for making me die to my vain and haughty nature. I should not have had power to destroy it myself, if thou hadst not accomplished it by an all-wise œconomy of thy providence. I prayed for patience with great earnestness; nevertheless some sallies of my natural liveliness escaped me, and vanquished the resolutions I had taken of being silent. This was doubtless permitted, that my self-love might not be nourished by my patience: For a slip of a moment caused me months of humiliation, reproach and sorrow, and proved the occasion of new crosses.

СНАР.

DUR

CHAP. VII.

I

URING the first year I did not make a proper use of my afflictions. afflictions. I still was vain. sometimes lied, to excuse myself to my husband and mother-in-law, because I stood strangely in awe of them. Sometimes I fell into a passion, their conduct appeared so very unreasonable, and especially their countenancing that most provoking treatment of the girl who served me. For as to my mother-in-law, her age and rank rendered her conduct more tolerable. But thou, Oh my God, opened my eyes to see things in a very different light. I found in thee reasons for suffering, which I had never found in the creature: I afterwards saw clearly and reflected with joy, that this conduct, as unreasonable as it seemed, and as mortifying as it was, was quite necessary for me; for had I been applauded here as I was at my father's, I should have grown intollerably proud. I had a fault common to most of our sex, I could not hear a beautiful woman praised, without finding some fault in her, artfully causing it to be remarked, to lessen the good which was said of her. This fault of mine continued long, and was the fruit of gross and malignant pride, and extravagantly extolling any one proceeds from a like source.

I BECAME pregnant of my first child, which induced them during the time to take great care of me, and my crosses were thereby somewhat mitigated. Indeed I was so ill that it was enough to excite the compassion of the most indifferent. Beside they had so great a desire of having children to inherit their fortunes, that they were continually afraid lest I should any way hurt myself. Yet

when