and the exercise of piety; but that I could not do. Even when I was in company, GoD seized my heart more powerfully. There was carried on a conversation within me, very different from that which passed without. I did what I could to hinder it from appearing, but could not. The presence of so great a Master manifested itself, even on my countenance: And that pained my husband, as he sometimes told me. I did what I could to hinder it from being noticed, but was not able completely to hide it. I was so much inwardly occupied that I knew not what I eat. I made as if I eat some kinds of meat, though I did not take any, and acted so dexterously that they did not perceive it. This deep inward attention suffered me scarcely to see or hear any thing.-I still continued to use many severe mortifications and austerities-Yet they did not in the least diminish the freshness of my countenance,

I HAD often grievous fits of sickness and no consolation in life, but in the practice of prayer, and in seeing Mother GRANGER. How dear did these cost me, especially the former! But what do I say: Oh my Love. Is this esteeming the cross as I ought, should I not rather say that prayer to me was recompensed with the cross, and the cross with prayer. Oh ye inseparable gifts, united in my heart and life! When your eternal light arose in my soul, how perfectly it reconciled me, and made ye the object of my love! from the moment I received thee I have never been free from the cross, nor it seems without prayerthough for a long time I thought myself deprived thereof which exceedingly augmented my afflictions.

Mr

My confessor at first exerted his efforts to hin der me from practising prayer, and from seeing Mother GRANGER. And, he violently stirred up my husband and mother-in-law to hinder me from praying: The method they took to effect it was, to watch me from morning till night. I durst not go out from my mother-in-law's chamber, or from my husband's bed-side. Sometimes I carried my work to the window, under a pretence of seeing better, in order to relieve myself with some moments repose; but they came to watch me very closely, to see if I did not pray instead of working. When my husband and mother-in-law played at cards, if I did but turn towards the fire, they watched to see if I continued my work or shut my eyes; if they observed I closed them, they would be in a fury against me for several hours: But what is most strange, when my husband went abroad, having some days of health, he would not allow me to pray in his absence. He marked my work, and sometimes, after he was just gone out, returning immediately, if he found me in my closet, he would be in a rage. In vain I said to him, "Surely, Sir, what matters it what I do "when you are absent, if I be assiduous in at"tending you when you are present ?" would not satisfy him; he insisted upon it that I should no more pray in his absence than his pre

sence.

That

I BELIEVE there is hardly a torment equal to that of being ardently drawn to retirement, and not having it in one's power to be retired: But, oh my GOD, the war they raised, to hinder me from loving thee, did but augment my love; and while they were striving to prevent my addresses to thee,

thou

thou drewest me into an inexpressible silence; and the more they laboured to separate me from thee, the more closely didst thou unite me to thyself: The flame of thy love was kindled, and kept up, by every thing that was done to extinguish it.

OFTEN through compliance I played at piquet with my husband, and at such times was even more interiorly attracted than if I had been at church. I was scarce able to contain the fire which burned in my soul, which had all the fervor of what men call love, but nothing of its impetuosity; for the more ardent, the more peaceable it was. This fire gained strength from every thing that was done to suppress it: And the spirit of prayer was nourished and increased, from their contrivances and endeavours, to disallow me any time for practising it, I loved, without considering of a motive, or reason for loving; for nothing passed in my head, but much in the innermost of my soul. I thought not about any recompence, gift, or favour, which he could bestow or I receive. The Well-beloved was himself the only object, which attracted my heart. I could not contemplate his attributes. I knew nothing else, but to love and to suffer. Oh, ignorance more truly learned than any science of the Doctors, since it taught me so well JESUS CHRIST crucified, and brought me to be in love with his holy Cross. I could then have wished to die, in order to be inseparably united, to him who so powerfully attracted my heart. As all this passed in the will, the imagination and the understanding being absorbed in it, in an union of enjoyment, I knew not what to say, having never read or heard of such a state as I experienced; I dreaded delusion

and

and feared all was not right, for before this I had known nothing of the operations of GOD in souls. I had only read St. Francis de Sales, Thomas a Kenipis, the Spiritual Combat, and the holy Scriptures; was quite a stranger to those interior and spiritual books wherein such states are described.

THEN all those amusements and pleasures that are so prized and esteemed, appeared to me dull and insipid, so that I wondered how it could be that I had ever enjoyed them.-And indeed since that time, I could never find any satisfaction or enjoyment out of GOD, although I have sometimes been unfaithful enough to endeavour it.—I was not astonished that Martyrs gave their lives for JESUS CHRIST. I thought them happy, and sighed after their privilege of suffering for him-for I so esteemed the cross that my greatest trouble was, the want of suffering as much as my heart thirsted for.

THIS respect and esteem for the cross continually increased, and although afterwards, I lost the sensible relish and enjoyment thereof, yet the love and esteem has never quitted me no more than the cross itself. Indeed it has ever been my faithful companion, changing and augmenting, in proportion to the changes and disposition of my inward state. Oh blessed Cross, thou hast never quitted me, since I surrendered myself to my divine crucified master, and I still hope that thou wilt never abandon me. So eager was I for the cross, that I endeavoured to make myself feel the utmost rigour

of every mortification and felt them to the quick : Yet this only served to awaken my desire of suffering, and to shew me that it is God alone, that

can

can prepare and send crosses suitable to a soul that thirsts for a following of his sufferings, and a conformity of his death. The more my state of prayer augmented, my desire of suffering grew stronger, and the full weight of heavy crosses from every side came thundering upon me.

THE peculiar property of this prayer of the heart is to give a strong faith. Mine was without limits, as was also my resignation to GOD, and my confidence in him, my love of his will, and of the orders of his providence over me. I was very timorous before, but now feared nothing. It is in such a case that one feels the efficacy of these words of the gospel, My yoke is easy, and my bur den is light. Matt. xi. 30.

CHAP.