AN ANTIQUE VISITOR. Hush! what's that? I see I see-Ah no! 'tis not-yet 'tis Ye powers! it is the-the-the-Pooh! the cat! Again what is't? The wind? No, no, this time With awful footsteps, regular as rhyme, Or (as rhymes may be in these days) much more. Byron. THE first day of vacation! Does one's heart ever beat with joy, and does the blood ever flow through one's veins with a vigor and warmth that diffuses additional life throughout his whole system, rendering him keenly sensible to all the various sources of pleasure, and kindly disposed towards every existing creature? If ever, it is on the first day of a college vacation. Far be it from me to depreciate the soul-stirring delights of the classic page, the captivating mysteries of a mathematical problem, or the truly bracing joys of a stormymorning chapel-ward walk. I have experienced all these, and, doubtless, received my share of the gratifications arising therefrom; yet let me tell thee, dear reader!-sub rosa, however I have seen the day when I would have gladly exchanged six weeks, ay! or even a whole term, of the so much lauded mathematical, metaphysical, classical joys for a single week of vacation delights. Of such a character were my feelings on the evening of the first day of our last vacation. My wonder-working Olmsted's stove, filled to the brim with the best Lehigh in the yard, was performing its wonted office with most marvelous despatch-my light was so shaded that it beamed forth the most perfectly thought-encouraging radiance, and the wind was whistling the same old tune around the window, as I accommodated myself to the various inequalities of a wonderfully hard-bottomed arin-chair of unbounded capacity. This same article was thereupon suffered to pass through the first part of an evolution familiar to all horse-jockeys, viz. that of rearing itself upon its hind legs; which being done, nothing more remained for me to do, than to encircle the already mentioned stove with my pedal extremities, and suffer them to rest gently upon the edge of the mantel which is some four or five feet from the level of the floor. The act of transforming animals of the quadrupedal genus into that of bipeds is, in some cases, we ourselves will allow, 'treason against nature.' But, in the case now before us, so many manifest advantages arise from the transformation, that we students are in the habit of constantly doing it, and some of us have even become so hardened in our wickedness as to experience no smitings of conscience for the unnatural deed. We have nothing to say to those lynx-eyed European traveling critics, who, mistaking the inability to appreciate the delights arising from the above transformation for "refinement," have honored us with a few entirely gratuitous sneers on the occasion, and who, inasmuch as their landlords at home breakfast them on toast and coffee, consider themselves authorized in declaring that any addition thereto is a sure index of semi-barbarism, one degree only above the Cherokee and Hottentot state of societyto these geniuses we have nothing at all to say, for an almost infinite multitude of reasons, the principal of which is, that we are well aware that they never would know it were we to say any thing. This reason alone is sufficient to deter from any such attempt persons who like us are generally satisfied with one good reason, and who have been known even to suffer sentiments, (which accorded with our own preconceived opinions,) to be broached in our presence, without contradiction, although it was perfectly evident to most persons that they were entirely unfounded. Would to heaven that our numerous readers were no more captious on these points than we ourselves! Then might we sail along quietly and pleasantly in our little tiny vessel; but now, forsooth, we cannot graze a jutting rock, or rub upon a shoal, without our readers imperatively demanding that we at once stop and prove to a demonstration that we were in no danger of being wrecked thereon. Beshrew all these ungentlemanly cavils of thine, dear reader! hinder us not, we entreat thee, in this our onward course! Little children must be humored at times however, 'tis said, and we therefore for once will condescend to give our reasons for our actions—not that we care one farthing for our readers' good opinion, by no means! like all true authors we write for ourselves solely, and are supremely indifferent to the decisions of others-(prithee, reader! excuse this long parenthesis,) simply to show that we have them, and moreover always can, if necessary, produce them. We can then, we say, most satisfactorily prove, both by strength of argument, and, if this should fail, by strength of muscle, that the above is the only truly rational method of locating one's self. Does one's mind feel disposed to reflection, or is one's body averse to any sudden change of place? Our learned professor assureth us that bodies resting on three points of support are far less liable to derangement than when resting on more, and, in this case, our limbs, at their farthest extremities traversing each other, afford this desirable third support. Is it probable, or possible that our ideas will lack sufficient poetry to prevent our falling to sleep? In such a case, our center of gravity will have a most extensive field for its vagaries, ere its line of direction wandereth without the base-a most essential requisite, the same authority has oftentimes assured us, for the attainment of stability. Is the cranium for a moment poverty-stricken, or, in other words, destitute of ideas? Even as the small column of water will support and raise to an equal height the column of infinite magnitude, in like manner will the increased pressure upon our base, arising from the superior elevation of our "lamp-lighters,"* cause an influx of matter into our cerebral organs, which can thence be easily retailed for the edification of an admiring world. Does the eye in its wanderings forth seek diversity of prospect? Verily and in truth, the protrusion of our bodies in the above specified manner adds at once beauty and interest to the scenery, boldly relieving the tame, dull view of things around, and gladdening the eyes of the beholder with that most interesting of all objects-his own person. There! my dear reader! there is the longest paragraph I intend to have in the whole piece, penned, too, entirely for your benefit, full of sage reasoning, weighty enough to convince any respectable sceptic, in which class I hope you enroll yourself. If you're not satisfied yet, then-hang it all! prove it yourself! I'm off. What a pity it is that our friends will not be content with our word on all these points! Were that the case we should have been half through our tale ere this, while now we are hardly started. However, we shall bring it all up against them in due time. And now in future, we entreat our readers to take it for granted that we have reasons for all our sayings and all our actions, even though we do not stop by the way to point them out. Surely, no one should know so well as ourselves about this matter. Let us then ever cherish this sublime posture-let the hitherto abased feet now be exalted-let the mantel receive its wonted burthen, and let us not sacrifice divinely-sprung 'comfort' to miscalled refinement! As usual, a coffee-pot was simmering most furiously upon the stove, (students are invariably earthward inclined during vacation,) warning me by its melodious notes, that soon its contents would be potable, and all things around were thus in a most delectable state of repose, when I leaned back my head into my chair, and, resigning myself to the influences of the time and situation, gave way to the most interesting reflections I could possibly summon up before me. This however was no easy task, and as an assistant in the operation, I took from a box upon the table, an extra-fine Spanish cigar, one extremity of which bringing, for a moment, in contact with the flame of the lamp until it assumed a fierce and warlike hue, I then scientifically inserted the nether end midway between the center and left corner of my mouth. As the morning breeze dispels the mist collected through the night upon the mountain-tops, (by Jupiter! I believe I could write poetry,) so did the rarefied air from the radiator of my stove cause the mouth-issuing smoke to ascend and resolve itself into thin lamina of matter over my head. Heroics for legs. Thus far all was right, and now, diminishing the angle of my eyelids, to somewhat less than five degrees, I surveyed the realms of my little empire with the utmost self-complacency. "How pure and unalloyed." I mentally exclaimed, "are the delights of innocence and sobriety! The most ultra temperance-ultraist of the day can see around me nothing to shock his feelings, nor can the most inveterate enemy to college dissipation find food for invective in the plain, simple, non-convivial style of pleasure in which I am now indulging. Away! ye votaries of Bacchus! ye drowners of thought in the sparkling bowl! ye worshipers of the midnight joy and the morning pain! ye frequent subjects of the President's epistolary correspondence to your honored sires! away! afflict me not with the wild delirium of your joys, but leave me to the delights of my own uncensurable gratifications! Ye anxious lookers forward to the results of the coming examination! ye who couple the name of Beelzebub with that of tutor, and Lucifer* with that of monitor! be gone! tempt me not with the false and hollow joys in which ye are wont to indulge!" Hereupon, startled by an exceeding great noise from the region of my stove, I looked, and lo! the liquid, which thereupon sat, was now like some tenant of the sky (perhaps barn-yard would be more correct) ruffling its plumes, and even in its wrath overflowing its customary bound, or as the vulgate bath it-my coffee-pot was boiling over. I hasted to remove it to a less overpoweringly hot station, and having imbibed a "quantum sufficit" of its contents, then resumed my seat, and with it my meditations. Insensibly my thoughts were upon the immense progress that I had made the vast strides that I had taken, during the past term, in the realms of science and literature. And here, kind reader-since I have been thus far the hero of my own tale-allow me gently to insinuate a little information respecting myself. Already have I mounted the third round of the ladder of science-that is to say, I am a member of the Junior class! Heavens! how my head becomes dizzy, as I contemplate from this exalted height the fast diminishing world below! how my brain reels as I think of the lofty eminence to which I have attained, and what ineffable pity pervades my breast as I think of the poor Sophs and Fresh, toiling up the steep ascent below! How one's ideas expand, and what additional importance he acquires-in his own estimation I mean-as he reflects upon the vast acquisitions he has made this fierce but successful inroad upon the field of science! and what lofty and sublime emotions fill his mind, as he calmly and quietly contemplates the fearful perils which he has undergone the storms he has so nobly weathered! Morning and evening star-emphatically. It is surprising too what an immense influence our studies have over our immediate thoughts. Many a time have I caught myself, during the period the class were occupied in perusing the treatise on the "strength of materials,"* investigating the probable strength of my venerable arm-chair-how much deeper I could whittle on the arm of it, ere it would break, or how many units of weight my corporeal parts would, in all probability, receive, before that, by the influence of gravity, an effect was produced too overpowering for the constitution of the chair. In like manner, when groping our way through those remarks upon the "collision of bodies," have I often sat, pondering and wondering what would be the effect arising from the collision of myself and a beloved tutor in the coming recitation. Particularly was I wont to indulge in reflections on the latter subject, when it so happened that the lesson lacked sufficient interest to command the attention necessary for its perfect mastery. Then, peculiarly, did such reflections urge themselves upon me with an almost overpowering interest-nay! it has (marvelous to relate) even been the case that these agitations of the mind have so strongly affected the body, that I have really after them felt unable to attend the recitation at all, but have considered myself under the necessity of taking my meals in my own room, and reporting myself among the number of the indisposed, until the subjects causing such intense emotions had been thoroughly disposed of by the class. When such was the case, my health was invariably observed to improve at once, and that too with surprising rapidity. To so great a degree are the states of the mind and body, one's thoughts and one's feelings, affected by the studies of the term. It is strange, no doubt, but we positively assure our readers that it is no less true than strange, and if any one feels disposed to doubt this second assurance, we only advise him to make a few inquiries of almost any member of any class, and we dare stake our honor, that he will corroborate our testimony by mentioning several persons on whom such effects are wont to be produced. However,' thought I, 'farewell to you now! ye text-books, a fortnight's farewell! and oh! ye darlings of my heart! may ye enjoy this release from service as well as I! If your innate worth and dignity ever permit you to shake your leathern sides with laughter, now is the time, carpe diem! though by the immortal gods! in your laughter, I entreat you, wax not fat, for in truth ye are already of most formidable bulk to those about to investigate your contents. Thus sublimely did I, on that memorable evening, cogitate within myself. That dread hour of night was fast approaching in which elves and fairies are said to dance most vigorously, and others of the * Vid. Olmsted's Phil. Vol. i. pp. 269-84. + Ibid. Vol. i. pp. 81-87. |