THE LEVEE. A SKETCH IN ST. JAMES'S STREET. To the PARENTS and GUARDIANS of IMBECILES or IDIOTS.-A married surgeon, with every advantage which situation can command, wishes to meet with a PATIENT of the above description, who would receive every care and kindness. A surgeon who wishes to meet with an idiotic or imbecile patient, must be one of very strange sympathies or of very unusual practice. Every medical man who has had much experience of the treatment of disease will declare that the most grievous difficulty encountered in dealing with patients is that of making them understand the necessity of conforming to the diet and regimen prescribed in compliance with the natural laws. The majority of ailing persons imagine that their complaints are all to be relieved by means of drugs, and cannot be convinced that exercise and regulated eating and drinking are requisite to a cure. Surgeons and physicians in general will sorrowfully protest that, in their professional capacity, they meet with only too great a number of idiots and imbeciles. A TRAP TO CATCH LANDLADIES. Landlady. I beg to tell you, Sir, that you are out of gin (produces empty bottle). Tenant. Impossible; but stop, I'll see. (Goes into bedroom, and returns with a full bottle.) I thought you were wrong. I must tell you that I got these two bottles at the same time. The bottle you hold in your hand I put in the cupboard for your special consumption-the bottle 1 have here I kept under lock and key in the other room for my own private use. The truth is, you drink much faster than I do. Where your bottle is empty, you see that mine is scarcely touched. You must excuse me, it is not I that am out of gin, but rather yourself. [The Landlady is most virtuously indignant, but evidently guilty. STRANGE COIN.-Forty odd pounds! PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. HORSMAN was only too happy to have another opportunity of attacking Ministers. LORD PALMERSTON said that the annexation was objectionMARCH 12. Monday. Something must be done with that intolerable able, but would do England no harm, and therefore we were not going old party, LORD NORMANBY. He was up again to-day, pottering about to fight about it. He hoped, however, that the EMPEROR might be Italian affairs, of course in the interest of his friends the ex-tyrants. induced to change his mind. MR. DISRAELI pitched into LORD JOHN The only extenuation for his speaking was that he abused LORD CLAN-RUSSELL, who, he declared, had been for months aware of what was RICARDE. The two squabbled for half an hour and more, when LORD intended, though he pretended not to believe in it. MR. KINGLAKE GRANVILLE desired them to shut up. thought LORD PALMERSTON's speech "very gratifying," which meant Some unpleasant jangling in the Commons about Savoy, the Oppo- that MR. KINGLAKE did not attach the slightest value to the PREMIER'S sition intimating that Ministers were as much to blame in the matter hopes, and there was some more talk on the subject, which then as the EMPEROR, and the Cabinet, of course, being unable to see the dropped. COLONEL SYKES next rose to ask for information on a matter thing in that light. Then came the discussion of one of the grand of no less importance than the re-organisation of the Indian Army, and, features in the Budget, the Abolition of the Duty on Paper. There of course, the House was Counted Out. However, as this week the was a good fight over the question, SIR WILLIAM MILES contending telegraph has been laid from Alexandria to Kurrachee (Western India, that the extra Income-Tax was too much to pay for free paper. A good deal of nonsense was talked on both sides, or how could there have been a debate; but in the end, after MR. HORSMAN had fired off an uncommon lot of hot shot at MR. GLADSTONE (in revenge for being laughed at last week), the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER appealed to the Spirit of the Policy of PEEL, which policy he said the measure tended to promote, and the second reading was carried by 245 to 192. So died the Paper Duty, and Mr. Punch instantly doubled the already enormous salaries paid to his young men. Tuesday. LORD CHELMSFORD introduced a Bill, the object of which was, he said, to put down Sunday trading as much as possible, in order to prevent persons from being robbed of their one day of rest. He advocated the early paying of wages, and also the early closing movement, and has evidently gained much by a careful and conscientious study of his Punch. In the Commons there was a field-night. Foreign affairs were brought up by LORD JOHN RUSSELL, who declared that the Government had done their very best for the Italians, and that he was very proud of having aided in the re-establishment of Italy. MR. WHITESIDE Considered that the Government were accomplices in the robbery of Savoy. MR. MILNES thought the world might be a gainer on the whole transaction. MR. BAILLIE COCHRANE thought-but what on earth does it matter what MR. BAILLIE COCHRANE thought? MR. Wiscount, near the mouths of the Indus, and you are quite right to ask when you don't know), and we can now hear from India in six days, the House of Commons will be rather rudely electrified out of its indifference to the affairs of what was, and is not, a distant country. Wednesday. MR. LOCKE KING moved the second reading of a Bill for enabling the clergy of the Church of England to perform its rites wherever they might please, without the leave of bishops, incumbents, or anybody else. This proposition was a good deal at variance with received notions of clerical discipline, and inasmuch as at present people rather look to the bishops to keep impetuous or eccentric parsons in order, the emancipating the latter from all control did not appear to be a very good measure of police. MR. WALPOLE opposed the Bill, as did the Government, and it was rejected by 168 to 131. In the course of the debate LORD ROBERT CECIL took a mild shy at the Four Jews in the House, intimating that they must consider as an insult to them the raising any discussion on a question of Christian education. To him responded the clever Hebrew of the four, SIR F. GOLDSMID, who assured him that the Jews were very desirous that Christians should be instructed in their own faith. This complaisance is delightful, and really Mr. Punch wonders that, with such extreme liberality of views, it is worth the while of the Jews to be Jews at all. He hereby invites them to come over. Also in the course of the debate young LORD ASHLEY, son of the EARL OF SHAFTESBURY, uttered a little bit of sailorly fun about a clergyman preaching from the stage, with a garden scene behind him, and perhaps "forbidden fruit." It is to be supposed that his stern parient had been down upon him in the interval between the appearance of the report and the next publication of the Times, for ASHLEY hastened to explain in a letter, that he didn't mean anything against preaching in theatres, which process indeed he heartily approved. To adapt the Rev. Ingoldsby Legend, "the Earl had a rod which he called Tickletoby"-and so forth. I think the comparison's one I must scorn, The Treasury gets Chaff where my treasury gets corn." A Chinese debate, originated by SIR DE LACY EVANS, occupied the latter part of the evening. Divers Members thought that we had no business to chastise China, and others that we ought not to take ELECTUS as our colleague in the business. MR. BAILLIE COCHRANE signalised himself in the discussion, by foolishly accusing LORD PALMERSTON of making a joke on a grave subject, and caught something which even COCHRANE must have understood. The merry old PREMIER said, indignantly, that he had done nothing of the kind, and that no man of common feeling who respected himself, would unjustly impute such a thing to another. If Cocky has not asked for the Chiltern Hundreds he is a pachydermatous COCKY. Nothing came of the debate, but Government proceeded to ask for £850,000 on account of the Chinese expedition, and it was instantly voted. News for the "Straight Street of Benevolence and Joy." TEMPESTUOUS DICTION. Thursday. The Lords had their say on the Savoy business. LORD TAUNTON (the fluent LABOUCHERE of other days) moved agreement in Address on the Treaty, and the EARL OF CORK, who had been selected as a compliment to the victimised Cork-cutters, seconded T. EARL GREY fired into the Treaty and into the Budget, and considered our honour stained by the belief abroad that England had agreed to the annexation of Savoy to promote her own mercantile interests. Poor England, she is made answerable for everything; and indeed the Dresden Journal solemnly avers that the Savoy business is entirely England's fault. We shall no doubt be made responsible for the next eruption of Vesuvius, and told that if we had not laughed at St. Januarius, the volcano would not have burst out. LORD WOODHOUSE, selected in compliment to the Timber trade (he does not spell his name ONE of the greatest advantages enjoyed by the superior classes is so, but what does that signify?) defended the Budget, and LORD that of a superior education. Another, equally great, is that of the MALMESBURY strongly condemned Government, and was very sorry to intelligent and cultivated society in which members of the aristocracy see ELECTUS going to the bad. Some small men followed, and then especially converse, and thus learn to express themselves, as well in LORD DERBY assailed the Treaty, and in the calmest manner appro-speech as in writing, with a singular propriety; whereof a shining priated (and spoiled) the idea of one of Mr. Punch's Immortal Cartoons. example is afforded in the following composition, addressedLORD DERBY described the Treaty as a sop thrown to England by France." Now, really we have a liking for LORD DERBY, who has many good points about him, and whenever he sends us a fourpenny telegram by the London District Telegraph Company's wire, asking us for a few ideas, he will not deny that we send him a hat-full with the greatest readiness. But our Cartoons are solemn and sacred things, and we cannot have them played with. LORD DERBY I ought to have known better. The DUKE OF NEWCASTLE, selected in compliment to the Coal interest, defended the Government, and LORD GREY took a division. There had been no Conservative whip, and there was no intention of doing anything real. The Contents were 68, and the professed non-Contents were 38. Mr. Punch cleverly replied to LORD CAMPBELL, who said to him, that the majority was an index of the feeling of the country, that his Lordship talked unwisely, as Contents and Index were very different. In the Commons came the best bit of business of the Session. SIR RICHARD BETHELL brought in his Bill for Reforming the Bankruptcy and Insolvency System. Under the present swindling arrangement, Thirty-three per Cent. of a bankrupt's property is swallowed up by the expenses of collection. SIR RICHARD Sweeps away the whole abominable edifice; appoints a Bankruptcy Judge, who is to be as big a wig as any of the other Judges, and a set of Registrars to do the small work. He abolishes the absurd distinction between Bankrupts and Insolvents, gives any person the right to come before the Court on his own petition, and does a great deal towards getting rid of imprisonment for debt. Our learned friend spoke capitally (his slash at the Bankruptcy Commissioners, who "indecorously" read newspapers on the bench, did not escape us), and his Bill is an exceedingly good Bill. Mr. Punch quotes POPE, exactly, in his learned friend's honour:: "Thus BETHEL spoke, who always speaks his thought, And always thinks the very thing he ought."—B. I. Sat. 11. More Budget, and the Hops were dealt with. The car of Juggernaut went on, as somebody said to the Wiscount, who instantly and wittily replied, that a Jug o' nought was not so good as a Jug of Beer. Friday. Naples is in a very alarming state, the King, in his frenzy of terror, persecuting all respectable persons in the most brutal manner. There are several English ships in the lovely bay, and noble lords wanted to know what were the instructions of the commanders. The very sensible answer was, that the commanders were to use their own discretion, and noble lords perfectly well understood what, under the circumstances, this meant. Government made a red-tape answer on the question of dividing the diocese of Rochester, and creating a new see, of which St. Albans' Abbey should be the Cathedral, but the thing will be done one of these days. MR. BRIGHT took MR. NEWDEGATE to task for having spoken of MR. COBDEN as an admirer of French institutions and of the French Emperor, and MR. NEWDEGATE made a spirited answer, complimenting MR. BRIGHT for his friendly chivalry, but asserting himself to be justified in all that he had said. The Conversazione then set in with extreme severity, and MR. BOUVERIE got in such a rage that he likened the proceedings on Friday night, to MR. ALBERT SMITH'S Galignani song. For this we suggest that the Entertainer owes BOUVERIE one, which we should pay somewhat in the following fashion: "And how a most wonderful kind of discovery "To the Editor of the Morning Post.' "SIR,-I did not plead guilty of inconsistency in voting for the budget, while I at the same time voted for the budget, as your article of to-day alleges; on the con- "ADOLPHUS VANE TEMPEST." "Claiming from your fairness an insertion of this explanation, "I am, your obedient Servant, "House of Commons, March 9." epistle, it is possible to read as far as the word jeopardy; but there the Pausing only now and then to admire the perspicuity of the above structure of the letter becomes so luminous as to compel the dazzled reader to stop short. The noble writer protests against the approval of the House of Commons being asked "to" a sham treaty of peace, and he seems also to protest that the people of England should indi rectly affirm their acquiescence in the French EMPEROR's views of aggrandisement. Is this what he means to say they ought to do? An accident of birth fortunately provides the mouths of some men with a silver spoon. They might find some difficulty in the attempt to gain such a prize by competitive examination. GOOD AND BAD BITTER BEER. "CORNET O'FLAGON presents his compliments to Mr. Punch, and, on behalf of HER MAJESTY'S whole Indian Army, desires to declare his unbounded confidence in the genuineness of MESSRS. BASS and MESSRS. ALLSOPP's Pale Ale, and to apprise any fellah who may entertain a contrary opinion, that he (the Cornet) is to be heard of at the Blue Posts.' Mr. Punch would be very loth to differ from CORNET O'FLAGON on any subject, and quite agrees with him as to the genuineness of the beer which is supplied by MESSRS. ALLSOPP and MESSRS. BASS. The bitter ale which Mr. Punch hates and despises, and which he denounced in a recent number, is the nauseous mess manufactured by incompetent brewers, and retailed by dishonest publicans as a counterfeit of the barley bree'" brewed at Burton. It is ALL-SLOP and BASE, and not ALLSOPP and BASS, that Mr. P. detests. PUNCH'S BOOK OF BRITISH COSTUMES. CHAPTER VIII-PERIOD FROM THE EXIT OF THE DANES The fight came off at Athelney, as everybody knows; and was one of TO THE ENTRY OF THE NORMANS. W E said in our sixth chapter, that we thought it rather doubtful if the Saxon gents wore gloves, and there seems equal reason for our doubting if the Danes did. As some what of a proof that the Saxon ladies wore them, the careful reader will remember we made mention of a miniature, in which the sitter is depicted with her left hand in a glove. We then wondered if the lady had a right hand glove as well, and if she had, we wondered why she did not wear it. Our bepuzzlement, however, has been cleared up on these points, and humanity inclines us to clear away the cloud of doubt in which we left our readers. A manuscript which lies before us while we write, and which we may claim to be the first to bring to light, states gravely, that the person in the miniature referred to was the herdsman's wife who gave KING ALFRED a black eye, because he did not look well to the browning of her cakes. The fact of the black eye is disputed by some writers. ASSERIUS says simply that "shee didde boxe hys eares," a phrase which might imply that the gloves she wore were boxing-gloves. But whether this be so or not, it is stated in our manuscript that KING ALFRED cribbed and kept her right glove as a keepsake, and this plainly was the cause why she was painted only in that which ALFRED left her, and which was her left. In his comments on the story, which the best of our historians think is too good to be true, ASSERIUS says, "ye blowe dyd gette uppe quite a breeze," and though "ye kinge's leftte eare was byt," he adds, "yette itte dyd serve hym rightte." This, however, we must construe as said merely for a joke; for in writing thus ASSERIUS must be an ass if he be serious. So far as we can learn, the Danish arms and armour were not unlike the Saxon, excepting in those points in which they were dissimilar. Volunteers with them were not so common as pressed men, at least if we may judge so from the laws of Gula, said to have been established by KING HACON THE GOOD. By these it was enacted, that men who were possessed of such a fortune as six marks should be required to arm themselves with a red shield of two boards' thickness, and for weapons were to carry a spear and axe or sword. In addition to these articles, possessors of twelve marks were to wear a steel cap, and men of greater mark, who owned as much as eighteen SOLD marks, were obliged to buy a helmet and a coat of mail besides. So that the armour of the people was proportioned to their pockets; for in their savage barbarism JER playful name of "quern-bit," which rendered into English means simply "millstone-biter." It was with one of these, if we believe the chronicles, that KING CANUTE fought his famous single combat with old Ironside, as the Saxon monarch EDMUND was familiarly termed. the most famous broadsword battles ever witnessed. By the account in the Medulla Historia Anglicana, which may be regarded as the Bell's Life of the period, the honour of "first blood" was claimed for old Ned Ironside; and when, after administering a slogging upper cut, he was held entitled to claim "first knock-down blow," the Dane threw up the sponge to the disgust of all his backers, and " thynkinge of hys bettere halfe didde cry oute lustilye for quartere." THE Anniversary Festival of one of the most charitable institutions in the world, the Asylum for Idiots, was celebrated on Friday last week at the London Tavern by what the reporter of the celebration calls a very elegant dinner. It is known that dinners are tastefully as well as savourily provided at the London Tavern; but heartiness, rather than elegance, on the whole, might perhaps be expected to characterise a banquet which took place in the City of London, and whereat the Chairman was, as we are informed, "supported by MR. ALDERMAN AND SHERIFF PHILLIPS, MR. SHERIFF GABRIEL, ALDERMAN ABBISS, ALDERMAN LAWRENCE, MR. UNDER-SHERIFF EAGLETON," and other guests of less note. However, on this occasion, the scene of festivity was not one of gross animal indulgence of mere eating and drinking. The refined pleasures of song were adjoined to the gratification of the palate. Certain musical arrangements were made for affording, as it were, an accompaniment to turtle and other good things. After "Prosperity and Perpetuity to the Asylum for Idiots" had been proposed by the DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE, who occupied the chair, in a good practical speech "The toast having been drunk with loud applause, was followed by a four part song, The Idiot Born,' a solo in which was beautifully rendered by MISS SUSANNA COLE." Some composers have been called inspired idiots, and it was perhaps a genius of this order who conceived the idea of such a composition as that above named. Associations apart, one might imagine The Idiot Born" to have been some such a gem of the "Little Warbler" as Such a Beauty I did Grow;" but, the occasion considered, it could hardly have been a comic song. Strange things, however, are sometimes done in the City; and after hearing that "The Idiot Born" was sung at the banquet on behalf of the Asylum for unfortunate persons of that description, we should not be surprised to learn that at a civic hospital dinner the company had been diverted by a funny vocalist, "The Cork Leg." (how unlike our own en- MILITARY COSTUME, FROM A RUDE DRAWING ON who, in pleasing connection with the subject of surgery, sang them lightenment!) the lives and THE FLY-LEAF OF AN ANCIENT DANISH SPELLING- limbs of paupers were es- Very Evident. A DISCERNING friend of ours told us, a short time back, that in his opinion "there was nothing like humbug in this world." This may or may not be the case. One thing, however, is pretty certain: if there is nothing like it, there is, at any rate, a great deal of the original article itself. Clara. "MAMMA, DEAR! I WISH YOU WOULD SPEAK TO GEORGE: HE WILL KEEP SPINNING FREDDY'S NASTY GREAT HUMMING-TOP IN MY AQUARIUM, AND IT DOES SO FRIGHTEN THE MINNOWS!" THE NEW RUSSELL SIX-POUNDER. WE live in days of wonders, both social and mechanical, Of Lancaster & Armstrong guns, & Whitworth's next, out-topping them; Inspired by the ambition to rival these inventors, Lo, next on the arena, my LORD JOHN RUSSELL enters! Brings forward his six-pounder-the new long-range electoral. As Lancaster on earlier inventors made improvement, And Armstrong far past Lancaster has urged projectile movement: While Whitworth with his short-pitched screw, true-plane, and hair'sbreadth gauges, To throw a shot two miles for one of Armstrong's now engages- By way of compensation was allowed to let the gun off. But since the day that he fired off LORD GREY'S Reform ten-pounder, Till now, determined to out-do all that's been since projected,- Determined to out-do all these, and make himself immortal, LORD JOHN at length wheels his new gun through Pembroke Lodge's portal, It isn't more imposing in dimensions than its maker, The propelling power's enormous, though the charge is but a light one, We may never see such practice from this little gun which RUSSELL But others treading in his track-though Lords, they've nought to say to Will find a gun to reach the goal that his gun goes half-way to. |