FROM THE GRAND PUGILISTIC BALLET OF THE FIGHT FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP, WHICH MIGHT, COULD, SHOULD, AND OUGHT TO BE PLAYED AT ONE OF THE OPERAS. THE SOUTHERN RIGHTS OF MAN. THE American Declaration of Independence reappears in a new edition, just published by the Charleston Convention, which met on the 26th of last month, and voted certain resolutions with respect to the question of slavery. By the fundamental laws of the United States, slavery, according to these determinations, is a permanent institution, and neither Congress nor any local legislature has power to abolish it. The two propositions thus laid down by the Charleston patriots are declared by those gentlemen to be "cardinal principles of the national democracy of the United States on the subject of slavery." The next resolution affirms that no territorial Legislature in the States has power "to prohibit the introduction of slaves therein, nor any power 10 destroy or impair the right of property in slaves by any legislation whatever." These additions to the charter of the American constitution imply a modification of the doctrine of equality on which that Maxima Charta is founded. All men are born free and equal except niggers, is the statement of that doctrine as amended to fit the resolutions of the Charleston Conventionists. To this should be added the negation of certain opinions which, if they were tenable, would justify a very decided opposition to the extension, if not to the maintenance, of slavery. For example:There is no truth whatever in Christianity. The fundamental principle of morality is not "Do as you would be done by," but "Do as you like with your own." This is particularly the duty of slave-owners. There is no just Providence that takes any care of black men. There is no future state but a happy one for citizens of the Southern States. The will of the American democracy is the law of right and wrong; let a resolution of the Charleston Convention stand instead of reason. The voice of the lower classes of the United States is the voice of Omnipotence; and it authorises every white to wallop his nigger. THE VOLUNTEERS' HALF HOLIDAY. Let assistants drop the wand, Pens remove from o'er their ears: To the gallant Volunteers. PERVERSION OF MR. SPOONER. IT was stated some time ago that the POPE had caused certain sculptures in the Vatican to be partially draped-just as the celebrated American matron had trousers put on the legs of her piano. We observe with alarm that the Member for North Warwickshire so far coincides with the Roman Pontiff as to desire to prohibit the employment of the nude female figure as a model in schools of Art. We are sadly afraid that the Hon. Gentleman is about to add another example to the melancholy list of once zealous Protestants who have gone over to the camp of the enemy. Sympathy with Popish prudery, however, may soon be followed by adoption of the graver errors of Romanism; or hear that on some fine Friday he dined exclusively on red herrings! PROSPECT OF A RISE IN SHERRIES.-The Neapolitan frigates are and we tremble lest we should soon see MR. SPOONER telling his beads, bombarding the wine-factories in Marsala. A CONCORDAT WANTED AT PIEDMONT. A REAL GOOD BLAZING HUMBUG. NE DON GURLINO, a holy priest, is stated to have been sentenced to seven years' solitary confinement at Turin, for a long course of such indiscretion in the Confessional as that of which Protestant heretics irreligiously urge the possibility on the part of confessors as an objection to the practice of auricular confession by wives and daughters. Poor DON GURLINO appears to have pursued, at the churches of St. Charles and the Carmelites, a little game precisely similar to that represented in the great Opera now performing at our two Italian theatres as played by another Don, whose exploits are illustrated on the stage by his valet in unfolding a certain catalogue as long as a tailor's pattern-book. The trial of DoN GIOVANNI GURLINO took place before the Criminal Court at Turin. Ah! friends! what a happy thing it would have been for the cause of truth if our Don's peccadillos had been perpetrated in the dominions of the pious FRANCISJOSEPH, which are blessed with a Concordat, under which the Reve- ation of Merchandizes ever collected under one roof, rend Don's case would have been dealt with by an Ecclesiastical Tribunal, and not have been subject to the jurisdiction of a court of common law, as such cases are in the dominions of the excommunicated VICTOR-EMMANUEL. Then it would have been religiously preserved from publication, to the prevention of a scandal which may seem to confirm the reasonings of heretical depravity. Oh! at all our public festivals, not, indeed, as the first toast, but before the health of the QUEEN, let us evermore drink the Concordat and the Confessional. A GOOD deal of fine writing has been expended by the Rogues who send invitations to ladies to come and buy trash, stating that it is to be sold "at a sacrifice," which is the case-truth, and husbands' money being alike sacrificed in any such negotiations. But of all the fine writing which Rascaldom, scheming on female trustfulness, has ever sent in large envelopes, inscribed "On the Queen's Service," "Telegraphic Dispatch,' "Immediate and most Important," or otherwise calculated to avert the instant pitch into the fireplace to which a sensible person consigns such things, unread, the following seems to Mr. Punch to be the best he has seen. He gives the extracts, not to warn fools, for fools do not read Punch, but to show his readers how fools are gulled. The document begins thus "Fashion, Novelty and Grandeur combined to the astonishment and delight of Majesty itself, and the just but enthusiastic admiration of a scrutinizing Public!" OFFICIOUSNESS OF POOR-LAW MEDICAL OFFICERS. THE following statement, which, with a voucher for its authenticity, appears in a letter addressed to the Salisbury and Winchester Journal, is quoted by the writer from one of the medical periodicals. The Poor-Law Guardians throughout the country, who are so strenuously opposing MR. PIGOTT'S Bill for the monstrous purpose of effecting the better regulation of n edical relief to the poorer classes in England and Wales," are doubtlessly able, out of their own experience, to relate many cases of equally gross excess of duty on the part of medical officers: "A workhouse, which contained during the last year an average of more than 25 patients on the sick list, was visited by the medical officer 212 times, and who was knocked up twice a night. There must, therefore, have been about 5406 personal visits made, the aggregate number of miles travelled was about 105. Estimating each patient to have taken two doses daily, 18,200 were taken within the year. About 500 external applications were supplied, one broken arm and one out of joint were treated; upwards of 150 separate examinations of persons on admission were made, and 52 long weekly reports were written out. Many slight cases, as tooth extraeting, are not recorded. Many incidental duties are not mentioned. For all this about sixteen guineas are paid!!" Then comes the announcement of the place where the Sale in question is to be held-Mr. Punch, of course, not having the slightest intention of aiding knaves to their prey, gives no hint of the locality. But it is stated that the place"Is devoted exclusively to the ་ Appropriation of the most Grand, most Select, and most Costly associ FOR MOST RECKLESS SALE !!! at Sacrifices truly deplorable, at Losses fearful to contemplate, at a Dimunition (!) of Prices that would make the most sanguine heart quail beneath its withering influence." One of the authors of the penny fictions of the day has evidently been engaged to devote his extra hours to the composition of these puffs. Here he breaks out again : "These objects are not relative to goods of yesterday, not articles which have outlived their charms-But such as may be said to be NEW, FRESH, nay, ALMOST WARM FROM THE LOOMS-possessing to a most meritorious degree beauty, elegance, richness, splendour, and magnificence, upon which the Votaries of Fashion may gaze with adiniring wonder, till admiration is lost in rapturous ecstacy." Such language, such ideas, such grammar, are worthy of the themeworthy of the issuers and their intended customers. "You've given me a bad shilling, Sir," said the hackney coachman to SHEKIDAN. "All right, old fellow," hiccupped the dramatist; "yours is a bad coach." The praises of trash should thus be hymned to idiots. But the fictionist knows better than to puff merely. There be sentimental fools, who would like to have a tremendous advantage in bargain, and also to feel that they were "really doing good" in cheating somebody. They are remembered as follows: a "This event arises from the unexpected stoppage of MESSRS. DIDDLEMORE AND Doo, of Petticoat Lane, a circumstance which conveys the mournful intelligence of ruin to Thousands; AS THEIR WAREROOMS LITERALLY GROANED UNDER THE WEIGHT OF MERCHANDIZE ALAS! UNPAID FOR! "When it is asserted that this appeal to the NOBILITY, GENTRY, CLERGY and PUBLIC of Great Britain has almost for its object the prevention of starvation to numerous Families on the Continent, the response will be such as might be expected and can always be relied upon from England's fair Nobility." How the thief must have grinned as he penned the above passage, and looked into his ninepenny Johnson to see whether Nobility is spelt with two b's or only one. The fallacy of the whole of the foregoing paragraph is comprised in the last sentence-"For all this about sixteen guineas are paid." Sixteen guineas, in such a case, are supplied for furnishing paupers with proper medicine and attendance. The practitioner, whose He concludes with a singular and mystic guarantee, the meaning of ridiculous assiduities are above described, thought proper to give his which defies the penetration of anybody but MR. POLICEMAN PUNCH. work house patients the same amount of attendance and physic as he "The vast amalgamation-matchless in every respect as regards rich. would have afforded to respectable people. The consequence doubt-ness, purity, novelty, and true worth, and the whole are offered under the less, was, that if his weekly reports were long, the Union obituary was most solemn and guaranteed protest in no instance to exceed ONE-THIRD short; conditions which ought to be precisely reversed in any such THEIR VALUE-a simple 'bona fide' truth." institution, the doctor of which is up to his business, which, at a salary of sixteen guineas, obviously consists in making quick work of his cases, and saying as little about them as possible. "Above all things no zeal!" is a maxim that Poor Law Guardians desire to impress on the mind of every medical officer in their employment, for his official guidance. His private practice is another affair. He has no business to bestow on a pauper the time, skill, and attention which he devotes to a guardian, although, taking one patient with the other, he may be said to kill two birds with one stone. Worthy of Old Nick. AN elderly Maiden-lady, who objects to inquiries into female ages, declares the Census an invention of the Evil One, and quotes, in proof66 facilis de-census Averni!" THE SPLENDOUR OF OUR NAVY.-Rotten wood, in elementary works on Chemistry, is said to emit light in the dark. On any cloudy and moonless night, how brilliantly we ought to shine in Gun Boats! "The whole are not to exceed one-third their value." Find out what that means, beloved reader. You can't? Well, it means that impudent rascals hope to entrap ignorant fools. But isn't the above pretty reading? And there are idiots to be taken in by such thingsor they would not be printed. A New Name for the Exchequer. SINCE the discussion on the Wine Licences Bill, on which the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER betrayed such knowledge of the mysteries of the wine trade, BERNAL OSBORNE proposes that his office in Downing Street should be labelled-"THE BOTTLE AND JUG DEPARTMENT." RIGHT REVEREND RECRUITING OFFICERS. ONE of the Irish titular Bishops used to be called a Dove; but the generality of them partake rather of the character of Sergeant Kite, in beating the drum ecclesiastic to get recruits for the POPE. WHEN DOCTORS DIFFER. O'er the bed where a sick man is lying, Ten to one but the patient comes round By the Vis medicatrix Naturæ. So in Naples and Rome, where grim death POPE HENNESY wastes Irish breath To prove Piedmont has "done for " the case. Encounter his speech with an "oh no," Mr. Punch, as a friend of the patient, And to Nature hand o'er the sick man. SIGN OF THE TIMES. FOREIGNER." I pray you, Sare, to tell me vare is Smeeth Street?" VOLUNTEER. "Three hundred yards forward-change direction to the right-right half face, and cross the Square fifty paces forward--left wheel, and there you are!" FOREIGNER. "Mer- Thank you, Sare, I make renseignements farther on." (Aside.) "Une Nation vraiment Militaire!" STRAINING AT GNATS AND SWALLOWING CAMELS. (To Mr. Punch.) A Trifling Omission. Telegram from Naples.-(Official). GARIBALDI has attempted a landing at Marsala. The Neapolitan ships of war have captured the Piemonte, and unk the Lombardo. N.B. (Unofficial). The men were out of them first. "Then there's the Mormonite journeyman cabinet-maker on the twopair-back. I'm sure he has preached his horrid polygamies and prophecies and things to that poor silly MARY JANE, till I believe the girl's ready to go off with him to Utica, or wherever it is, in California, where those Mormons have set up for themselves-though she knows she's "SIR, only to be one of three wives which the wretch declares himself entitled "I SEE from the papers that no less than four deputations of to! And there's the young broker's clerk in the two-pair-front, who Dissenters waited on LORD PALMERSTON last week to lay before his goes gallivanting off to Hampton Court, or Richmond, or GreenLordship the objections of the Dissenters to the questions about people's wich, or Windsor, as regular as the Sunday comes round. As if religious professsions included in the next Census. I should like to know everybody mightn't see with half an eye that he belongs to the Esta what these precious Dissenters are afraid of? I dare say they know blished Church. Ain't there his prayer-book, with his name in it, and that the poor dear Established Church, which they are always abusing, from his affectionate mother.' Little enough he has looked into it, will come out a great deal stronger than they choose that people should I'm afraid, this many a year. And then there's the German sugarknow it is. They had the impudence to tell his Lordship that a good baker and the French confectioner's man in the attics. Of course many thoughtful and patriotic men would decline to answer the question they're Papists, poor benighted creatures, not that I ever heard either of altogether. Thoughtful, indeed! and not know their own opinions in them say a word about religion-good, bad, or indifferent. No, no; religion! Every householder, it appears, is to state under a penalty the depend upon it, Mr. Punch, it's a very easy matter to give an account of religious profession of everyone sleeping in his house on the night of people's religious professions, if that was all, though it mightn't be so easy Census Sunday. Well, and why not, I should like to know? The to speak for their religious practice. I do believe with that TALLOWBOYS Dissenting deputations say that householders, either from careless- its all mouthing and muffins. But, in course, every landlady who respects ness or partisanship, would give incorrect answers.. I don't believe a herself will feel it her duty to find out whether her lodgers go to woord of it. As if I didn't know the place of worship every one of my church or chapel, and the sort of man they sit under. You see it lodgers goes to! There's that fat, selfish, canting creature TALLOW- makes such a difference in people. I always prefer church-folks. BOYS, on the first-floor. I'm sure if I don't know that he expounds They're pleasanter in their ways, and don't look so sharp after things, his experiences weekly at the Particular Baptist Chapel in Little and understand that in this world it should be live and let live with all Muggleton Street, Finsbury, I must be deaf; for isn't he always of us. Chapel-people is generally very mean, and close, and disagreeinviting me and MARY JANE, the servant, to come there and able, and underbred mostly, and their preachers are dreadful-especially 'partake of the privileges'-for that's what he calls listening to his if you once let them set foot under your tea-table, as I know to my snuffling and talking through his nose for an hour and a half every cost-carneying, canting humbugs! Didn't that TALLOWBOYS-But Sunday morning and evening. A mean wretch-that's always inviting I won't bemean myself to talk about the wretch. Besides, it's you himself to take tea with me in the parlour, and doesn't dine at home that answers for 'em: and if people is ashamed of their religions, twice in a month! I should like you to see him over a plate of muffins, why they haven't to blush before the Census man. and then see if you could doubt about his religious professions. But what I do object to is inquiries about age. It's all very well |