PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.-JANUARY 21, 1860. THE CONGRESS PARTY. EMP. "I THINK WE HAVE WAITED FOR OUR OTHER FRIENDS LONG ENOUGH.-SUPPOSE WE BEGIN?" AT SAM SCOTT'S, WHITE HART INN, STOCKBRIDGE, A CHESTNUT GELDING, A good Hunter and Hackney, very fast, and a capital Trapper. N.B. Any one not wishing to shoot himself is at liberty to find a Substitute. "Anybody not wishun to shoot his zelf is to be lowed to vind a zubstitute. Dostn't think these there Stockbridge shooters must be a precious clumsy zart o' chaps? I've a heerd o cockneys shootun theirzelves at pigeon-matches to be sure. If you knows are a fellow as wants to commit zuicide and not have it vound feller de sea, you advise un to goo to that are shootun match at the White Hart. Them as be like to shoot theirzelves be as like to shoot their neighbours. I wonder who them as doan't wish to shoot theirzelves expects to git vor zubstitutes. I have a heerd that Chinamen, zome on 'em, be willun to be hanged vor a trifle stead of other people, but I should think there warnt no sich natives as they be at Stockbridge. WHILE the hunting Season lasts sub-editors of Country newspapers lay their scissors eagerly on anecdotes of horseflesh, and snip out for their readers as many equine tales as they have vacant corners for. Here is one, for instance, which was copied lately in the Herefordshire Times, and which doubtless interested readers in that district much more than the questions, Will there be a Congress? and if so, Who will go to it? "ECCENTRICITY OF THE HORSE.-In 1806, during the campaign of Austerlitz, a Piedmontese officer possessed a beautiful and in other respects a most serviceable mare, but which one peculiarity rendered at times exceedingly dangerous for the saddle; she had a decided aversion to paper, which she immediately recognised the moment she saw it; and even in the dark, if one or two leaves were rubbed together, BEARS AND LYONS. MR. PUNCH has been very much excited by reading in a Lyons journal that the authorities of that city have devised a new method of allaying the impertinence of the Cabman. The city of weavers has woven, for that enemy of mankind, and chiefly womankind, a net, from whose meshes he cannot easily escape. In London, as most people know, we have a cab-law, which works pretty well for able-bodied and strong-nerved Fares who have plenty of time on their hands. If you have complaint against a driver, and you take his number, and find out the right Magistrate before whom to bring him, and take out a summons, and attend on ever so many adjournments, and bring your witnesses, and resist the abject importunities which the ruffian, driven to bay, makes for forgiveness, on account of his wives and children, you may at last get him slightly fined and mildly rebuked. But if you don't care about doing all this, if your time is valuable, if you are an unprotected lady, or indeed any lady without most admirable firmness, or if you fail on any of the requisite points, the scoundrel has his triumph,—he extorts more than his fare, and has the additional pleasure of insulting you. And on the dozen chances in his favour the Cabman builds, and in eleven cases out of twelve is the victor. Moreover, there is a great deal that a Cabman can do that, though it is particularly offensive to his Fare, does not bring him within the mild embrace of the law. He may grumble hugely, though he knows he has been overpaid. He may abstain from actual insolence, but keep that he would not have taken you had he known he was to have only up a long remonstrance that is nearly as objectionable. He may say his bare fare, and that the servant who hailed him for you "said you the season of the year, or your being apparently out for a holiday, or a was good pay." He may enlarge upon the wetness of the night, or dozen things that have nothing to do with the question, and whichthough when they are addressed to a resolute English citizen merely produce a "Well, what then?" or the amplest permission to the would-be extortioner to take the chance of getting the late DON GIOVANNI as a fare-are pesterous to the quiet, and to women, and usually produce the effect desired, namely, robbery. Yet no Magistrate will notice this, if the offender does not "demand" more than his fare, or is not what is called "insolent "-that is, one who uses language no decent person should hear. So, practically, we are in the Cabman's power. But at Lyons, it appears, French tact has encountered him with another weapon. In every cab is placed a little letter-pocket. And in every letter-pocket is a little printed form of letter. And the letter is to this effect: in many cases sucun borted her riders, and of it was so prompt and so violent, that It is addressed to the Superintendent of Police Traffic. she unhorsed in one case, his foot being in Thus, you observe, Ó Cabman, all the impediments on which the stirrup, she dragged him a considerable way over a stony road. In other respects this mare had not the slightest fear of objects that would terrify most you rely are removed. Your power to annoy ceases as the door horses. She regarded not the music of the band, the whistling of the balls, the closes on you, and the law's power to annoy begins. The letter is roaring of the cannon, the fire of the bivouacs, or the glittering of arms. The examined by a competent person, and if he finds the complaint really confusion and noise of an engagement made no impression upon her: the sight of frivolous or unjust (and some complaints are so, even in England) no other white object affected her; no other sound was regarded; the view or the there is an end. But if not, orders are passed to the policeman on rustling of paper alone roused her to madness. All possible means were employed to cure her of this extraordinary aberration, but without success; and her master duty in the complainant's street, and he ascertains whether all is correct, was at length compelled to sell her, as his life was in continual danger." and the accuser be a respectable person. If so, there comes a little inquiry after you, and perhaps you get a caution-perhaps, if an offence be previously registered against you, a stern lecture-perhaps, too, a little punishment, or a good deal. Anyhow, the knowledge that you can be infallibly got at, at once, must have a marvellous effect in keeping you in order-and Mr. Punch submits to SIR RICHARD MAYNE whether some adaptation of the Lyons system might not be advantageously introduced in rescue of the London Cabman's Victims. Of course we no more doubt the truth of this narrative than we do that of the tale about the horse of Baron Munchausen, which we are told was cut in two by the fall of a portcullis, and was sewed up with some laurel twigs, which grew into an arbour, under shade of which the Baron could sit in pleasant coolness in the hottest of his fights. To us the only doubt that hangs upon this horse tale is whether or no the story is not meant to be an allegory. From the statement that the animal showed so "decided an aversion to paper" we can't help fancying that the creature which is said to have been a horse must in true reality, have been a printer's hack. Succour for Scotchmen. Ir a Scotchman were between Scylla and Charybdis, and puzzled as to which he should give the preference, would not his national instinct prompt him at once to take the Siller? and, when once he had got his hand fairly upon it, we do not think he would very quickly leave it again. Sweets to the Sweet. "PRAY, can you tell me, my dear MR. JENKINS," asked with admiring eyes a very pretty young lady, "How is sugar refined ?" "When a lady gives it to you, Madam," was the happy reply of the great artist who grinds the fashionable organ every day. STRANGE INCONSISTENCY.-Those people, who rail because so many foreigners fill high appointments in England, forget that they them selves are continually calling them over. BUCHANAN ON HUMAN STOCK. RESIDENT BUCHANAN is a grave statesman. Gravity is a quality Trade, if it is possible to acquire a right of pro- peculiarly American. Slavery-the evil legacy of ancestors-that im- the United States with a composure of face that is more wonderful than the anecdotes. But, for profound seriousness of statement, is there anything outrageous in even Ameri can romance to match the subjoined paragraph in the PRESIDENT'S Message to Congress ? It is a striking proof of the sens, of justice which is inherent in our people that the property in slaves has never been disturbed, to my knowledge, in any of the terri is a deplorable necessity, are things that one endowed with a real sense of justice may be conceived capable of saying with a grave face. But to talk of the right of property in Slaves, as though under a solemn conviction of its moral existence, is surely possible only to those who MR. BUCHANAN happily describes as "the sense are inspired with that peculiar sentiment which of justice which is inherent in our people." Most Indecorous. THE very rudest thing we ever heard of, as directed against a member of the respected aristocracy, was launched by the titled chairman at the Marylebone Rifle Meeting last week. He said that "there ought to be no distinction on account of the different social rank of the Volunteers." This was all right. But he went on to say, that at the time of the Chartist disturbtories. Even throughout the late troubles in Kansas ances, the DUKE OF HAMILTON was between there has not been any a footman and a chimney-sweep.' We believe attempt, as I am credibly that his Grace has since abandoned both proinformed, to interfere, in a fessions. single instance, with the right of the master. Had any such attempt been made, the judiciary would doubtless have afforded an adequate remedy. Should they fail to do this here after, it will then be time enough to strengthen their hands by further legislation. Had it been decided that either Congress or the territorial Legislature possess the power to annul or impair the right to property in slaves, the evil would be intolerable." MR. BUCHANAN talks about property in slaves with the calm assurance of a moral philosopher; just as if he had not the least idea that the title to such property had ever been disputed. He speaks of the right to that sort of property as coolly and confidently as if he really believed that such right was something distinct from might. Yet, in a subsequent part of his Message, he condemns the Slave Trade. What objection is there to the Slave THE RIGHT COLOUR FOR A RIFLE CORPS. "FRIEND PUNCH, "Broadbrim Villa, Brompton. "I Do not often write unto the Newspapers, inasmuch as it costs time (which, as thou know'st is money), to say nothing of the paper, pens and postage-stamps one spendeth on it. But I feel inclined to say a few words at this present, on the subject of the colours to be chosen for our Riflemen: and I say them unto thee rather than unto the Star (which paper I, till lately, have paid my daily penny for), inasmuch as thou art truly the organ of the movement, and anything thou printest on the subject of our Rifle Corps will assuredly be read by all who are enrolled in them. "Much debating there hath been, in print as well as out of it, as to what colour is fittest for the dress of Volunteers, and anent the whys and wherefores such should be adopted. I will not weary thee by tedious recital of the arguments, nor mention how each corps, with that independent spirit for which Britons are so famed, hath elected to abide by its own choice of its own colours, without paying any heed to what its neighbours wear or think. Nor need I remind thee how the Government hath, with its usual alacrity, stepped in when just too late with its advice upon the subject; and now that almost all the uniforms are ordered, hath decided of what cloth they ought to have been cut. All I wish to do is to bid all those who own themselves disgusted with their uniform (and I am told their name is nearer Legion than thou'd'st guess) instead of giving up their drill, as they are threatening to do, because forsooth green doesn't quite suit their complexion, or they fancy that their figure isn't well set off by grey, to bid all these disgusted ones enrol themselves at once in a corps which I am raising, wherein the colour of the uniform shall be uniformly drab. Drab verily, I think, is the best colour for our Riflemen; inasmuch as if it be not flashy' or 'flare up' (I use the terms which Slang maketh current in our language, that I may make my meaning clearer to the youths whom I address), it at least hath the advantage of being inconspicuous, and of presenting a bad mark to any enemy who aims at it. Morcover, it may truly be regarded as symbolical, What is Twaddle? THIS question was asked in a police case that arose out of a stock-broker's squabble. The person interrogated, though properly qualified to answer, for he was an Old Bailey barrister of great experience, declined to give the information demanded, but quietly continued his speech. Perhaps it was the best definition that he could have given. WHICH is the Stoutest Man in the village? when worn by Riflemen who arm as ours do, not in menace but in simple self-defence. A Rifle Club so formed is a truly Friends Society, formed for keeping friends with all who fear it as a foe; and by adopting for its dress the colour which the Friends' Society' hath chosen, it shows its mission plainly as the noses on its front. Of course it would be easy to enlarge on these advantages, and show that drab not merely wears well, but is cheaply to be cleaned by simply sending it to the wash; but I have said enough, I think, to Meanwhile, I would exhort thee to continue ever zealous in the cause recommend it, and I now confidently look for an influx of recruits. thou hast supported, and for all the baleful light the Star may strive to shed on it, we shall see the movement flourish, and the country safe peace. In which belief, believe me to remain, your constant reader, "BOANERGES BROADBRIM." at "P.S. Hath our friend BRIGIT joined a Volunteer Corps yet? He hath shown himself well skilled as a political sharpshooter, and he hath a strangely bellicose propensity for one who claimeth to be writ of as a man of peace." The True Aristocracy. MY DEAR BRIGHT, IT is clearly absurd that the Peers should be hereditary legislators. It is equally clear that the working men are endowed by nature with political knowledge. Let us not subvert, but invert the Legislature. What say you to abolishing the House of Lords and substituting for it a House of Labourers? Make what use you please of this suggestion, freely offered by your old friend, PUNCIL. CIVIL SERVICE EXAMINATION. Q. WHAT do you call Antimony? 4. The Austrian Currency. [Candidate is instantly admitted into the Foreign Office. A WELCOME TO WINTER. BY A POET WHO BELONGS TO THE MEDICAL PROFESSION. HAIL, Winter! Hail, and snow, and rain! Inclement time! the chills prepare Bite 'em, and spite 'em, pinch 'em, friz 'em, Bronchitis, thy dread darts prepare, An evil wind still bloweth good, Sciatica, tic-doloureux, With your worst terrors man pursue; So, Winter, hail! and snow! and freeze! matrimony by imposing upon celibacy a duty which they, doubtless, would wish to be rendered prohibitive. Their proposal to create a demand for wives by an artificial stimulant is not more absurd than the mercantile protectionism of their countrymen. How different, and how much more enlightened, is the conduct of our own young women, and how much more happy are its results! English girls, whose fathers are the constant readers of a Press which devotes itself to the advocacy of sound commercial doctrines, well know that a demand, whether for goods and chattels or for hearts and hands, can only be maintained by a satisfactory supply. They know that if an article is unsaleable because it is inferior, no legislative interference will avail to promote its purchase. Accordingly they devote all their energies to that self-cultivation which enables them to offer an attractive commodity. Their days are devoted, partly to storing their minds with useful knowledge, and acquiring domestic arts and pleasing accomplishments; partly to bodily exercise, with a view to the improvement of their figures, and the enrichment of their cheeks with a healthy roseate bloom. Not only do the young women of England, high and low, excel those of France in the knowledge and practice of that species of economy which is called political, but also in personal frugality and thrift. So that their moderation, in attire especially, is known to all men; and the consequence is, that they are eagerly inquired for, and experience no difficulty whatever in disposing of themselves to the best advantage. Whilst the French sorts are flat, they are buoyant; whereas the foreign descriptious are heavy, natives are brisk and lively; and when, in Paris, blondes and brunettes are alike depressed, in London they are both looking up. Thus the catching daughters of England are enabled to provide for themselves off their own hooks, and are not driven to stoop to the clumsy and humiliating expedient of begging Parliament to procure them unwilling husbands by the imposition of a bachelortax. THE POPE IN A FIX. THE question What are we to do with him? is a query which suggests itself to all reflecting minds when they begin to think of the position of the POPE. His Holiness just now is somewhat in the place of the dog upon the race-course. Everybody hoots at him as being in the way, and nobody will stretch a hand to help him out of it. And so he runs along with his tail between his legs, and gets considerably more kicks than kind wishes in his progress. Notwithstanding the assertion made by Hanover Square Meetingmen, that the POPE is most discreet, religious, and humane," and that "his great fault in the eyes of English Protestants is, that he in fact has no fault at all," the world at large apparently does not seem to see it. Faultless though he be in the eyes of spouting fanatics, those with better eyesight are blind to his good points, and he is in their view by no means quite infallible. Distance lends proverbially enchantment to the view, and what to fools in England has the look of being faultless, to persons nearer Rome appears something very different. The Romagnese have small affection for the Papal rule, and the people of Perugia have bitter cause to hate it. In fact, the closer the inspection, the more spots are discoverable in the Papal Sun and the nearer people live to him the more they wish to see the Holy Father farther. Meanwhile, the question still remains, What is to be done with him? Excepting the few fools and fanatics aforesaid, everybody feels convinced that the POPE is in the way, and that soon or late he must be shoved aside or shelved, or somehow else got rid of. Between the two stools of his temporal and spiritual authority, it seems to be decided that he must come to the ground. It may be difficult to run so old a fox to earth, but ere long we fancy the feat will be accomplished. FRENCH AND ENGLISH MARRIAGE-MARKET. LOVELY Woman appears to be a drug in the Parisian marriagemarket. Young lions have been for some time shy of taking lionesses to wife; and according to the Salut Public "A petition addressed to the Senate is now being signed by the female operatives ir. this city, in which the petitioners pray that all men who attain the age of forty without marrying may be compelled to pay a tax as unproductive members of society." The female operatives of Paris can hardly be expected to have the least idea of political economy; for, if they had any, they would be considerably wiser, not only than the males of their class, but than the vast majority of Frenchmen; French statesmen inclusive. It is, therefore, natural that they should request the legislature to encourage AN IRISH ANGEL. AT DR. CULLEN's late Dublin meeting in aid of despotism in Central Italy, MR. ALDERMAN REYNOLDS, who had been hissed and hooted for uttering some expressions of loyalty to the QUEEN, said, in deprecation of the traitorous ire which he had provoked, "They were all determined to go as far as they legitimately could to sustain the authority of the POPE, and they would not allow a feather of his wing to be touched." What sort of bird is the POPE ?--was the question that arose on the perusal of the foregoing declaration. It remained unsolved until the appearance of the Holy Father's allocution to GENERAL GOYON, wherein his Holiness winds up a benediction by the undignified vitu peration of a pamphlet. As soon as that came out everybody saw that the POPE is a goose. |