Field Officer of the Day. "HULLO! WHY DON'T THE GUARD TURN OUT?"
Solitary Private. "PLEASE, SIR, THEY'RE GONE TO TARGET PRACTICE!"
Field Officer of the Day. "AND WHO THE DEUCE ARE YOU?"
Solitary Private. "PLEASE, SIR, I'M THE PRISONER, SIR!"

[Related to us as a fact, but which, as a distinguished Field Officer ourselves, we don't indorse.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

SCENE II.-The Same Chamber. Five o'clock. Lords present. Lord Fitzwilliam (moving the Address). Mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble. (Applause.) Lord Truro (seconding the Address). Mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble. (Applause.)

Lord Grey. Some of the Address is all very well, but the Commercial Treaty with France is a mistake. Why should we take off the duties on French products, unless to do ourselves good? All stuff. If France chooses to be so idiotic as to stick to prohibitions, let her suffer and be laughed at, until she takes them off without a bribe from us. And we are all wrong about China, and might serve trade better without war. I move an amendment to that effect.

In the Commons the first fight of the Session took place. MR. BOUVERIE, who partakes, a good deal, of the character of the official Prig, and thinks that nothing can be properly done except "in the Department," is scandalised at Private Members taking up the time of the House on Fridays with questions that raise discussions and delay the progress of work. But the zealous Prig got a good deal snubbed, and his proposal for silencing people was rejected by 166 to 48. MR. Duke of Newcastle. You know nothing about the Treaty, and you BRIGHT then came out with a proposal which showed the mild chadon't understand the Chinese question. The honour of this country racter of democratic rule. There has been bribery in Gloucester; so is not to be made subservient to the interest of the tea-trade. the friend of justice and freedom proposed to withhold the right of Lord Normanby. I-a-am very old, uncommon old, I assure your voting from everybody, innocent or guilty, in Gloucester, for Ten Lordships-and-and I am myself assured that I was never very wise Years, that during this penal servitude everybody might point at the when I was young, and wrote silver-fork novels, sneering at every-place as a blot and blotch on our system. The proposal has not yet body that didn't live-a-in Belgravia. But I hope you won't do been carried. MR. GLADSTONE then commenced his wonderful financial anything to encourage that firebrand, MR. GARIBALDI; for I do assure manipulations, to the utter bewilderment of the House, which, after a you, my Lords, that the Dukes and Princes of Italy are the dearest few of his explanations, despairingly told him he must do as he fellows on earth-most gentlemanly, I assure your Lordships-most pleased. attentive to myself-uncommon attentive, yes.

Lord Brougham. Let the Italians do their own work. Let us arm. Lord Derby (pleasantly). I couldn't hear a single word that those two fellows said in moving and seconding the Address, but I've no doubt they made deucedly fine speeches, and I beg to congratulate them. But I don't congratulate anybody on the Commercial Treaty, and I don't at all see my way in the China business, and though I don't in the least understand what position Ministers have taken up on the China business, I condemn them just as much as if I perfectly comprehended it. Lord Granville. As you talk only for the sake of talking, I shall say very little in reply, except that we have done everything for the best, and that a great loss has been sustained by the House and the country, in the death of LORD MACAULAY. (General assent.) Lord Grey. I shan't withdraw my amendment; but as those Tories are afraid to support me, though they would like, I shan't divide. (Address voted, and Scene closes.)

SCENE III.-The House of Commons. SPEAKER in Chair. The Speaker. Order! Order! (Reads the QUEEN's Speech.) Mr. St. Aubyn (in Rifle Costume). I move the Address. Lord Henley (in Deputy-Lieutenant's costume). I second the Address. Mr. Disraeli. You read so unusually ill to-day, my dear DENISON, that I could hardly hear you. What have you been doing with yourself, to lose your elocutionary powers. However, I suppose that all is right. But I want to know why the mention of Reform comes so late in the Speech. I want to know why we have not got the Commercial Treaty before us. I want to know what Ministers have been doing with Continental questions since August. I want to know whether PALMERSTON really means to produce the papers he promises. And I specially want to know how LORD JOHN RUSSELL dared to mix himself up in the Italian question, and undertake to settle Italy. Lord John Russell. How do you know I did? Mr. Disraeli. Why, I read it in telegrams.

Lord John Russell. Telegrams! Anonymous messages! A nice kind of party you are, to bring charges on such grounds. Mr. Disraeli. All very fine, but I should like to know the truth; because it is a most solemn and important question. I invite a reply.

R.S.V.P.

Lord Palmerston. I accept the invitation, and beg to inform you, my dear MR. DISRAELI, that the whole story is bosh. My valued young friend, LORD JOHN RUSSELL, never entered into any compact at all; and I fear that you must add this to your already extensive, celebrated, and highly interesting collection of mare's-nests. We mean to leave Italy to settle her own affairs. If she loves her Princes, let her call them back. If she adores her POPE, let her keep him. But she shall do as she likes. I do mean to produce the papers; and when you have read them, you will see that we have done everything in the most superior manner.

(Address voted.- Curtain Falls.)

Wednesday. MR. CARDWELL distinguished himself by an epigram. On the report on the Address, somebody complained that the QUEEN had said nothing about Ireland. MR. CARDWELL replied, that "the absence of mention of Ireland in a QUEEN's Speech was in itself a matter of congratulation." If the Hon. Member can write as well as talk in that style, he may hear of something to his advantage by calling at 85, Fleet Street. After some miscellaneous talk on things in general, the Address was agreed to.

Thursday. LORD BROUGHAM stated, that all the territories of Sardinia were in Italy, and LORD NORMANBY declared that they were not.

Friday. VISCOUNT DUNGANNON's interference in Church matters is usually extremely undesirable: but to-night he was exceptional, and made a proper protest against certain zealous but unwise Clergymen, who commit the foolishness of preaching" on the boards of Theatres. MR. EDWIN JAMES demanded a Court of Appeal in criminal cases; and the HOME SECRETARY had to defend himself for not having hanged DR. SMETHURST, SIR GEORGE's excuse being that it was quite possible that SMETHURST might not have been guilty. CARDINAL WISEMAN'S Cross-Bearer, MR. BOWYER, attacked the Divorce Court. Is it not curious that the Romish priests everywhere oppose the granting relief to unhappy married persons? On the Continent one can understand this; for there the teachings of Rome have so demoralised Catholic society, especially female society, that if men with bad wives had a way of escape the scandal to the Church would be awful. But as most Catholic women in England are as good as most Protestant women here, the Priests and their tools might as well let the subject alone. The ATTORNEY-GENERAL promised his Bankruptcy Bill immediately; and so ended the first week of the last session of a Parliament pledged to Suicide. Mr. Punch will be classically ready to cast his three handfuls of earth, and in the mean time proposes to himself the pleasure of throwing a few stones on account.

ST. STEPHEN'S AND ST. GEORGE'S-IN-THE-EAST. MR. DANBY SEYMOUR having inquired, whether the Government intended to take any steps for the relief of parishioners from Romanising incumbents, SIR G. C. LEWIS is reported to have said—

"I am not aware that it would be possible to lay down by law any such definition as the hon. gentleman points to, and the Government are not prepared to introduce any Bill such as he has described. (Hear, hear.) If he himself should wish to produce a bill on the subject, I shall be extremely delighted to find that his ingenuity has been able to frame such a measure as will draw a line between the extremely obscure limits he has pointed out. (4 laugh.)"

No doubt the Home Secretary is quite right; and theological discussion in Parliament is to be deprecated. The House of Commons, open to all sects, should be influenced by none. St. Stephen's cannot consistently legislate for St. George's-in-the-East. That being so, what are the parishioners of St. George's-in-the-East to do? If they cannot be enabled to dispense with the services of a Tractarian fanatic, and do not choose to grin and bear them, they have no resource except to hiss them. If Parliament cannot help people, it is not wonderful that they should help themselves, although by means which are popular and ungenteel. It may be irreverent to express disapprobation of an officiating clergyman; but the desecration is initiated by the parson who turns his Church into a theatre. The REV. BRYAN KING should leave off playing at Mass, and then his flock should cease to hoot their pastor.

HOW TO PREVENT BRIBERY AND CORRUPTION. REPEAL the Corrupt Practices Bill, and legalise Bribery. All the rogues will then combine in bribing and being bribed, and all the honest men will unite in maintaining purity of election. Petty political distinctions will be annulled; there will exist only two great parties, or rather, let us hope, a great party and a smaller one; the honest men and the rogues. The latter, though constituting a minority, are sufficiently numerous to warrant the belief, that, by adopting the above suggestion, the Legislature will succeed in placing Government by Party, both on the right side and the left side, or the right side and the wrong side, upon a broad and substantial basis.

First Elegant Creature. "A-DON'T YOU DANCE, CHARLES?"

Second ditto, ditto. "A-NO-NOT AT PWESENT! I ALWAYS LET THE GIRLS LOOK, AND LONG FOR ME FIRST!"

PUNCH'S BOOK OF BRITISH COSTUMES.

CHAPTER I.-THE ANCIENT BRITISH PERIOD.

As to the course which we intend to pursue with former writers, we shall use them or not use them precisely as we please, and quote them or misquote them exactly as we like. We shall, when so disposed, take down the ablest of historians, and get up as much or little of their NDER this head, we purpose to write the his. books as we think proper. But while consulting, when we choose, the tory of Costume from the earliest British pe- learnedest opinions, we shall stick at all times to that which is our riod down to a time which is within the memory own; and as we don't feel bound to believe the best authorities, we of men who are still living. We shall recount shall, where we think fit, give credence to the worst. the follies which from age to age have alienated But instead of wearying the reader with detailing what we mean to thoughtful minds from following the fashion. do, our better plan perhaps will be to go to work and do it. Beginning, We shall trace the course of that revolution then, at the beginning, or as near to it as history enables us to get, which terminated the long struggle between we commence with the costume of those old ancestors of ours, to periwigs and pigtails. We shall relate how whom not without irreverence, we moderns have applied the name of the old shoe-buckle was during many troubled "Ancient Britons." Now, where the Ancient Britons came from, and years successfully defended against the newer at what period they came from it, is a point on which historians seem bootlace: how to the stiffened ruffs and frills rather in the dark, and even Punch himself cannot say much to of a past period have succeeded the "all-rounder" and starched enlighten them. But since it is not probable that they were born "gills" of the present time: how the modern "pegtops" sprang of rainbows, or were dropped out of a water-spout like a reporter's from the bracce of antiquity: how from the inauspicious union of shower of frogs, we may reasonably conjecture, that they must have the vilest breeds of brain-cover came the hard black "tile" or come from somewhere; and it is scarcely more presumptuous, in a "chimney-pot," in which so many hundred headaches have had birth. gifted mind like ours, to suppose that when they came they brought Nor will it be less our duty faithfully to record disasters mingled their wardrobes with them. It is probable, however, that their clothes' with triumphs, in the fashionable struggles of the fairer sex. It will bags did not form a very bulky baggage; for when JULIUS CESAR landed he found the natives, as he says, be seen that the dear creatures, whom in gallantry and justice we in puris naturalibus," which account as our chief blessings, have in expenditure of pin-money been an elegant translator renders, "being dressed in bare skin." To tell not without alloy. It will be seen how, on the earlier simplicities of the naked truth, in fact, they showed the Roman WELLINGTON their clothing, fashions fruitful of marvels have been gradually established. figures in the nude, except so far as they were covered by a bit or two It will be seen that, being cursed by the domination of the dressmakers, of hide, which as that ass ASSER saith, "dydde notte saue y fromme Lovely Woman has been blighted and distorted in her beauty, and a hydyngge." pointed at reproachfully by critics, satirists, and cynics: that in an Both CESAR and HERODIAN say the Britons were tattooed, and the evil time she learned to deform herself with stays, and has been made consumptive by small bonnets and thin boots; that for years she tottered out beneath a head-dress so gigantic that, compared with it, the Pyramids sank into insignificance; and that by other means she has grown monstrous in men's eyes, and still disfigures her fair form with the wide, street-sweeping petticoat, which is descended, crinolineally, from the ancient hoop.

former talks about their "caruleum colorem," which he says they wore to make themselves look fearful frights in fighting ("horribiliori sunt in pugná adspectu.") OVID, however, writes of them as "virides Britanni; " so that from the pictures of our ancestors, which these

PLUTARCH say the Cimbrians and Celts were the first colonists of England; and This conjecture is supported by the learnedest authorities. HERODOTUS and this dictum, if established, would suffice to prove our point,

POPE CLEMENT THE EIGHTH."

old word-painters have left us, a doubt seems to arise if they were to all who should fight-actually fight-under his standard, against the rule and painted green or blue. We think, had we to arbitrate, we should authority in Ireland of the said English monarch. That was done by his Holiness give judgment in the matter, in the sage manner adopted in the case of the chameleon; there being colourable grounds for thinking both colours were worn, and believing that at times green was as fashionable as blue. We have little doubt the natives wore the bluest of blue looks when CESAR came and saw and conquered them; and when, after he had peppered them, he found how strong they mustered, there is no question he regarded them as being precious green.

Be this point as it may, there is plainly no disputing that our ancestors wore paint; and barbarians though they were (in this matter especially), they set a fashion which their feminine posterity have followed, however much their masculine descendants may have blushed at it. To the inquiring mind, indeed, it seems as clear as mud, that an Ancient Briton's dressing-case consisted of a paint-pot: and doubtless the sole care that he took about his toilette was, as a Celtic bard informs us

"To laye ytte onne soe thycke

Thatte some mote surelye stycke."

*Not to interrupt ourselves, it may be noted in a note, that these colours were adopted by the poets and the priests. Of the latter, some, who doubtless were the Puseyites of the period, "wore vestments of bright green," like their descendants in St. George's, who certainly are "green," although they may not be thought "bright:" while the bards, CYNDDELW informs us, were partial to "sky blue." that colour being viewed as " emblematical of peace:" so that the lacteal liquid sold to Londoners may in truth as well as poetry be called, not cow's, but dove's

milk.

IRISH NATIONAL HUMOUR.

It is useless to point out to the average Protestant intelligence, that the preceding passages are burlesques of the preposterous tales which popular writers are accustomed to relate in order to inflame the stupid public against what they vulgarly term Popery. Even the following audacious fudge will be impalpable to the dense masses:

who were engaged in proceedings which cannot well be called demonstrations of "Again POPE URBAN THE EIGHTH sent money and blessings to Ireland, to people attachment to the British Throne. Subsequently POPE INNOCENT THE TENTH sent his Nuncio RINUCCINI to Ireland, with large powers and authority, with money and arms, not for the purpose of inculcating obedience to English law. The Nuncio brought with him 2,000 muskets-for what purpose? 2,000 pike-heads-in the name of common sense for what purpose? 400 brace of pistols-what to do with them? 20,000 pounds of powder, with match, shot, &c.-to be used in what manner?"

The irony of the Nation is exquisite, but too subtle. No doubt the penal laws are defensible only on the supposition that the Popes were the enemies of England, and that the Irish, if not all the Roman Catholics, were a faction of traitors, subservient to the POPE. But just as footmen and housemaids read SWIFT's Directions to Servants for instruction, so will the swinish multitude take the Nation's extravagant fictions about those hostile Popes and traitorous Papists for realities of history. Entertaining that ridiculous supposition, they will only wonder why all the Roman Catholics in Ireland, if not in England also, were not exterminated like vermin; just as they think that DRS. CULLEN and DIXON, whom they really believe to have uttered the ravings ascribed to them, ought to be shut up, and that the Editor of the Nation ought to be hanged. Our facetious Irish contemporary should not cast those pearls of his before the British Public. There are old women amongst us who not only believe that Popes and Papists have in times past burned Protestants alive, but HE truly well-informed Liberal that even now the POPE keeps in his clutches, and refuses to surrender, well knows that the penal a little Jew whom he stole from his parents. Many of these anile laws which our bigoted fore- simpletons are possessed, too, with an idea that "Popery" is somefathers enacted against the thing more than a pure, mild, and reasonable religion, and regard it as Roman Catholics, were involving allegiance to an alien rule, opposed not only to the established wholly uncalled for and creed, but also to the established government. A journal which preunjustifiable; particularly tends to superior intelligence, and appeals to genteel sympathies, must with regard to the Roman ever, studiously and systematically, deride those ignorant snobs. Catholics of Ireland. The Nation newspaper places the needlessness and injustice of those laws in a very amusing light by certain statements which it pretends to put forward in reply to the Tablet; that journal having ascribed to the Irish people_profound attachment to HER MAJESTY'S throne, and to British institutions. Historical facts are gravely adduced by the Nation, to show that the Irish never were, and never can be, loyal; but every unprejudiced person will see, that those citations are meant to prove quite the contrary to the point which a Protestant ass would think them intended to demonstrate. For instance, after alluding to the conduct of "St. Lawrence O'Toole" Archbishop of Dublin, with respect to HENRY THE SECOND, MR. MITCHEL'S playful organ puts the following question:

"In later times did not certain Popes grant indulgences to all who fought against the English Government in Ireland? Is not the following an extract from a Bull of POPE GREGORY THE THIRTEENTH, addressed to the Archbishops, Bishops, and other Prelates, as also the Catholic Princes, Earls, Barons, Clergy, Nobles, and People of Ireland-'A few years ago, we admonished you through our letters when you took up arms to defend your liberties and rights, under the leadership of JAMES GERALDINE, of happy memory, that we would ever be ready to assist you against those English heretics who have deserted the Holy Church of Rome. Praiseworthy throughout all time must his exertions be in thus endeavouring to cast off the hard yoke which the English have imposed on you.' These, as we learn, are the words of a Pope written in the year 1580, and called forth by the circumstances of the time. Again we learn that the same holy Pope rendered material Assistance to the fitting out of a warlike expedition destined for the shores of Ireland, not, as it would appear to us, with the object of enforcing submission to British authority."

Of course everybody who is at all acquainted with the history of the period to which the above quotation refers, must know that GREGORY was joking. So is the Nation; and none but dull men will understand in any but a jocular sense either the foregoing or the further specimen of grave banter :

A WORD IN THE SWELL VOCABULARY.

A YOUNG gentleman in an office at Somerset House, was highly delighted by reading in the letter of the Alexandrian correspondent of the Morning Post, the statement, that the Suez canal, as contemplated by its projectors, would have to be excavated "by the labour of the fellahs of Egypt," and that

"Indeed it would be difficult for a foreigner to form an adequate idea of the disastrous and ruinous consequences to this country, if, as originally proposed, and insisted on as indispensable for the success of the undertaking, by M. LESSEPS, this Pharaonic work had to be executed by the labour of the Egyptian fellahs."

"By Jove!" he exclaimed, "that fellah in the Morning Post is a deuced cleva fellah! Knows how to spell fellah. Those other fellahs deuced clever fellahs too-those phonetic fellahs-spell fellah same way. Shall always spell it so myself in fuchaw. Wish all the wawk a have to do to-day had to be executed by the labaw of those Egyptian fellahs."

Mr. Justice Punch on Consolidation of the Law. MR. SLEIGH announces another "Handy-book" of Law, called Personal Wrongs and Legal Remedies. The Law seems gradually being bottled off out of the old-fashioned treatise-cask into these little handybook-quarts and pints, first introduced by LORD ST. LEONARDS. But we will help MR. SLEIGH to a still further condensation of his subject:"Personal wrongs"-bad enough. "Legal remedies"-still worse.

The Cat on its Last Legs.

THERE is an old saying which says that "Care killed the Cat." Now, whether this can be proved true in the case of the decease of any common cat of nine lives, there may be very possibly a reasonable doubt. But with regard to the now dying cat-o'-nine-tails, there is not be denied that, in our Army and in our Navy, a proper care for the not the slightest question that the proverb has been verified. It can well-being of the men has killed the Cat.

A PLEASANTRY FOR THE POPE.

A DISTINGUISHED foreign personage, being asked by an Englishman, "We also learn from Irish history that another Pontiff sent his benediction to a certain PRINCE HUGH O'NEILL, who was by no means remarkable for meekness and if he intended to take away the POPE's possessions, replied with pleasant obedience to the English monarch of his day, and sent also liberal indulgences naïveté, "I cannot tell, mon ami; mais I may take Vat-i-can!"