READER, constant or inconstant reader, have you ever noticed how the lawyers are maligned and maltreated by the dramatists. As a rule, one never sees a honest lawyer on the stage. Indeed, the part would be so novel that an actor would require to be paid extra for performing it. We should as soon expect a dramatist to write a part for a Gorilla as introduce so strange an animal as a honest lawyer. No. A lawyer on the stage is invariably a bad one. In Comedy he is the evil genius of the piece, and though he triumphs for an act or two, before the curtain falls he always gets the worst of it. In Melodrama he is, if not the villain of the piece, at least the villain's bosom friend and il-legal adviser. In a Nautical drama he is always found consorting with the smugglers and the pirates. The Jack Tars call him "landshark," and threaten to harpoon him or to "darken his skylights." They nickname him a "lubber," and bid him "sheer off, or they'll scuttle him." They shiver their timbers when he heaves in sight, and swear they'll make lobscouse of him if he comes athwart their hawse. In Farce, too, you may be sure, a lawyer's never introduced excepting to be laughed at. His make up is always the signal for a roar. His lean lanthorn-jaws are as yellow as old parchment, and he dresses in a seedy shiny swallow-tailed black coat, buttoned tight across his chest to make him look like a starved scarecrow. His spindleshanks of legs are made to look still thinner by being cased in tights; and his hands are enveloped in a mass of woollen fabric, which appears to be supposed to do duty for gloves. Then, the treatment he receives is of as bad a fashion nearly as his dress. He rarely comes upon the stage excepting to be kicked off it. Like the dog upon the racecourse, everybody hoots at him. In fact, the part which lawyers have to play upon the stage, is to get the kicks and cuffs but not the six-and-eightpences. Like Pantaloons in pantomimes, they get knocked about and jeered at, and are continually touched up with the red end of the hot poker. A REPORTER on one of our leading journals, and well-known amongst his comrades for his love of the dolce far niente, which he has carried to the most delightful height of fainéantisme, was asked why he didn't join a Rifle Corps; when he replied, in a tone of the most profound conviction, that evidently released him in his own mind from all future liability, "No, no, my dear fellow, one Volunteer is worth two Press men, any day." WHY is the Western Central Postal District larger than any of the others ?-Because it is W.C. (double, you see). PERSONS who like puzzles might often find amusement in the musical advertisements, which are put forth in some of the weekly prints. Here is one, for instance, which contains so hard a nut that even Notes and Queries would find it difficult to crack : EWER'S ROYAL PAVILION, SHAFTESBURY, DORSET WANTED, Three Musicians to join immediately, double-handed would bo preferred. For particulars, a c., address as above. Does the advertiser mean to say, that musicians with two hands are so seldom to be met with, that he thus avows his preference for those who are so gifted? If it be true that as a rule musicians have one hand more commonly than two, the College of Surgeons should be acquainted with the fact, and should set their wits to work in some way to account for it. As far as our experience and memory will carry us, we cannot call to mind that we have ever seen a one-handed musician, and this makes us the more curious to hear, if we can do so, some statistics on the subject. In the same paper we find another nut to crack, which, for hardness of its shell, compared to the foregoing, is as a Brazil nut to a Kentish filbert: TO PIANOFORTE PLAYERS.-WANTED, in a first-class establishment, in the North, for a Spirit Bar-parlour, a good inoforte player who can also sing. A leme men would be preferred, the salary being moderate. The party suiting the engagement would be permanent. Address, &c. Why a lame man should be here preferred because the salary is moderate, is a problem of more puzzlement than we have brains to solve. A lame man might indeed find it hard to use the pedal, and his piano-playing therefore might be somewhat imperfect. But this does not account for the preference professed for him; because, however moderate the salary might be, one would fancy that the advertiser would wish to get as good a player as he could for it; and might just as well have tried to get an able-legged performer, supposing one were not more expensive than a lame one. If we wished to please the public we should certainly not choose a lame performer for so doing; for however good a hand he might be with his fingers, he never could make much of a quick running accompaniment. VERY FISHY. WHY is the Council about to meet in Paris like a great female eel? Because it's a Conger-ess. But should he haply bend his course, So, when with persecution's roar, A yell that loads the Western gale; We think the chief for whom they bowl, To awful grief must sure have come, Suppose, at hands of heathen foul, The POPE is suffering martyrdom. And so, when we the cause inquire Alive were roasting at the stake, We find his threatened loss of state; The Papists' grievance thus is small, And, like the pigs', their cry is great. LATE AND EARLY SWEDES, UBJOINED is an interesting piece of foreign parliamentary intelligence which appeared the other day in the columns of a contemporary, under the head of Sweden: "BARON CREUTZ proposed that from the age of fifteen young girls should be allowed to auswer of their own accord yes or no to any suitor for their hand. M MONTGOMERY opposed the project, declaring that, at the age of fifteen, love though strong was too blind, and that the age of twenty-five was indispensable to be able to see clearly in so important a question." Swedes come on early, if there is any ground of reason for the proposal of BARON CREUTZ. Southern plants are known to shoot up at about the age which he would fix for the maturity of the Swedish species of turnip. If his estimate is correct, Juliets are found in higher latitudes than they have heretofore been supposed to flourish in. On the other hand, supposing the view of M. MONTGOMERY to be wellfounded, the Swede must be a vegetable of slowish growth. At twenty. five in this country such produce has passed by four years the term at which it becomes capable of disposing of itself, and is marketable by the grower at a still earlier period. The truth probably lies between CREUTZ and MONTGOMERY; and the fair average Swede attains to its full capacity at nearly the same age with the British tuber. If BARON CREUTZ would import some of his fine early Swedes into this country, they might find purchasers; and would constitute highly attractive features at our agricultural exhibitions and cattle-shows. "Bicester." TO M. Dear M., I have read with delight in extremo, Thou art wont to indulge in, of me. "I was not aware, there was ought in the squeeze Of thy hand, when I parted from thee: I cannot say that a sigh, stray word, or a tearEver fell yet unbidden from me. "Why should'st thou bear for me this secret love, Unchanging, deep, and true? If I were not engaged, perhaps then it might be, That I would fall on my knees before you. "Oh! say not woman's lot is silence She has many means to try; And oft in muteness gains her point To wit-the language of the eye "But could'st thou love me then as well(Know'st thou? True love changeth not'Where I to basely spurn a heart, And deem it then forgot. "I trust at Love's Tribunal when arraigned, Not Guilty' I shall prove, Thus convince the world I have not raised. At last, then, the veil rises once more on the history of the lovely lady of the song. The jay did her no harm. He restored her to the roof of her sires, and she has resided there in peace. But that peace is now broken. Some one whose name is spelt with six letters-can it be TPP R?-has crossed her path, and she has loved him. But, alas! he is "engaged," and, like a true but gentle knight, he discourages her attentions, and tenderly chides her advances. He was not aware" that he had given her any encouragement, and he hopes to be able to show that he has not, as, with slight obscurity, he puts it, "raised the charge of unrequited love." His words may be meaningless, judged by grammar, but they are full of meaning in a legal point of view-it is useless for "M." to bring an action for breach of [So the brave Boy has resorted to a popular but objectionable forcing process. promise. Well, well; surely it is better that she should know this at Many, of course, have been our speculations as to the real character of this event. When very young, we accepted it in its literality, and as thoroughly believed that the lady had been borne away by the bird, as we believed that GANYMEDE was carried to Olympus by one eagle, or TEDDY O'ROURKE to the moon by another. Later in life, we began to reflect that the age of miracles was past, and that for a bird called a jay-which we had seen among our noble father's ancestral woods, and also at the Zoological Gardens for sixpence (on Mondays)-to carry away a nubile maiden, would be a marvel for which even an antiMosaic geologist would hardly have swallow enough. We therefore surmised that the bird was an ardent admirer of the lady's, and that his name was JAY-not an uncommon name (there was a REVEREND MR. JAY, of Bath, much respected)-and that it was he who had snatched the damsel, playfully called an Old Girl, from the protection of her careless brother. Later still, we decided-as one does in the case of most miraculous stories-that nobody knew whether the tale were true or false, and that it did not much matter which it was. And in that negative atmosphere we reposed. But a revival of our old sensations has taken place, and a gush of child-like faith has returned upon us, swamping at once our rationalism and our apathy. We have had news from Bicester. Some ignorant persons may want to know where Bicester is. To such-for we must be rude to none-we reply, that Bicester, Bisetter, or Burchester, is in Oxfordshire. It was founded under BIRINUS (bishop of Caer Dor, which of course is Dorchester), and is noted for its ale. A lively and not over-grown print called the Bicester Herald is an organ of the place, and a highly respectable organ; and Mr. Punch is happy to acknowledge that in the journal in question he has made the discovery that not only is the Sister of the Old Tailor of Bicester still alive, but that she is still blooming in beauty. A young and ardent Bard of Bicester, perhaps the Coming Man of the Age, has just addressed to her some verses which Mr. Punch insists on transplanting from their modest Oxfordshire parterre to his own garden-Paxtonia and Versailles in one. Here they are, in all their grace and beauty: once than be left to feed herself with false hopes, and at length waken from the sweet dream of years to the chill morning of desolation. He of the six stars has done well not to "fall on his knees "-firstly, because doing so would have spoiled his Sunday trousers, and, secondly, because it would have imperilled the happiness of a life. Sister of the aged Sartor, bear as best thou mayest what the Parce have sent thee. There may be (to speak as thy brother might) a silver lining to the black cloud. Some other youth may come, with as elegant Sunday trousers and more elegant grammar, and thou mayest "squeeze" his hand, and not receive a lawyer's letter in return. Meantime, Punch blesseth thee, for having called up, for him, the memories of his youth, and for having called up, for the Bicester Herald, the most extraordinarily abominable rubbish with which a respectable compositor's eyes were ever insulted. We now know the very worst a Poet can do. THE HOME MARKET. By the late mail from Hong Kong, we are informed, in the midst of the commercial intelligence, as follows: "American Drills.-Nothing doing and very large stocks on hand." It is quite different with the British Drills in our Volunteer Market, we rather guess. Here the Drills could not be firmer nor steadier, and if the stocks of the guns are rather heavy on hand, still they will be found to go off very briskly whenever a demand shall arise for them. They will not hang fire then, you may be sure of it. We are glad to state that the utmost confidence prevails in the English Drill Market, and that not a single step has been taken in that direction but what has been of a forward and most cheering nature. Numerous as the British Drills now are, and they have spread so quickly and so universally all over the country that there is scarcely an Englishman's leg that by this time has not gone through some sort of drill, it gives us great and unmixed satisfaction to remark, that there is scarcely a bit of bad stuff amongst the whole lot of them. It is also a new feature in these British Drills, that there is not the least shrinking about them. The more they are tried, the stouter they stand. He's not Everybody. M. DE WALEWSKI, who is a Pole, threatens to resign office if the POPE's despotism is not to be upheld. Suppose he did resign? There are still two other Poles, on which we almost venture to believe the world would still revolve. THE WESTMINSTER REPRESENTATION. WHEN Mr. Punch informs His Very Reverence DEAN TRENCH is a bit of a philosopher; but such acts as these but smack of the philosophy of Cant, and Mr. Punch in no way can extend to them his reverence. The Westminster Play was a pleasant institution. It afforded a meet meeting place for had far more good; and Mr. Punch unfeignedly regrets its abolition. old schoolfellows and playmates. It may have had some evil, but it Quieta non movere is a good old Tory maxim, and there was in this into a dormitory, but the Westminster Players did precisely the case no fit reason to depart from it. One often sees a theatre turned reverse, and so praiseworthy an example should not have been abolished. DEAN TRENCH is learned in proverbs-hath he not filled a volume with them? but there is one which surely has escaped his memory. he must clearly have forgotten thatWhen his Deanship gave his dictum that TERENCE should be banished, "All work and no PLAY, Makes JACK a dull boy." This is a wise saw, and DEAN TRENCH, if he be wise, will not fly in has had two representa- its teeth. Work is very well, but play, at times, is better. Neque tions: the one wherein SIR semper arcum. Minds, like bodies, grow up stunted, if they always JOHN SHELLEY and SIR DE have their backs bent. What though it "interfered with graver LACY EVANS have been avocations," Westminster Play was a part of education. Besides popularly chosen to appear teaching elocution-which is never learned at College-it fostered in the first parts, and kindly feelings, and evoked most pleasant sympathies. Let DEAN the other wherein Davus, TRENCH rescind his recent resolution, and when next the curtain falls Phormio, and Geta have upon the Westminster Representation, Mr. Punch will be among the been among the principal very first to cry out Plaudite! characters assigned, and have from time to time elicited cheers quite as loud TWO HUNDRED RIDES IN THE QUEEN'S VAN. as those which ever have awakened the echoes of St. Stephens. It is this latter Representation which Westminster has lost, and which AT the Guildhall Police Office a woman was brought up, who, it was Mr. Punch and all "old Westminsters" lament. Ampliùs haud!-represented, had been locked up no less than two hundred times. We were Mr. Punch in an elegiac mood, he could indite some touching have heard of the "Hero of a Hundred Fights; " the existence of the lines on this suggestive subject. Ampliùs haud !-let the student "Author of a Hundred Pieces" is also not unfamiliar to us but the put in classic phraseology even so prosaic a statement as the follow-revelation of this new "Heroine of Two Hundred Lock-ups" strikes ing, and provided that his lines will scan, and there be no false us perfectly prostrate with astonishment. Her whole life, framed on quantities, he may depend on getting praise in abundance on next the model of a beehive, must have consisted of nothing but a series Verse day: "of cells, although the proportion of whacks must have preponderated largely over that of honey, forming a moral contrast between the rewards that are generally attendant upon a career spent in idleness or industry. Better to have kept her a perpetual inmate in prison, we think, than to liberate her two hundred times merely to lock her up In prison she would have been out of again two hundred times. harm's way, whereas as soon as she was set free, she returned once more to her old practices of smashing windows and assaulting the police. "FAREWELL TO WESTMINSTER PLAY.-The time-honoured Westminster Play is no more! DEAN TRENCH, impressed by arguments which are no doubt of great weight, has determined that it shall be abolished: and we have therefore seen the last of the perplexities of Chremes, the knaveries of Davus, and the gasconades of Thraso. We cannot help looking back with some regret upon those meetings, when the flower of our youth, our future Statesmen, Chancellors, and Bishops, essayed before an indulgent audience the difficult art of giving effect in speech and action to the deepest emotions of the human heart. There was something very inspiriting in the burst of applause with which some 'old Westminster,' who had climbed to the top of the tree, and now seated himself in the Pit, to fight over again the battles of Lis youth in the person of his grandson, was received as he entered. Pleasant, too, was it to observe the tact with which some of the youthful actors took up the points, and gave effect in a dead language to the wit of a dramatist who lived two thousand years ago." Reading this, the reader, if he be but as "intelligent" as writers love to call him, will naturally ask, what the "arguments" could be why the Play should be abolished, seeing there was so much that was pleasant and heart-moving in it. On this point in the following there is somewhat of enlightenment : "The morality of TERENCE, though good as far as it goes, is imperfect when compared with that by which Society is now governed. Though the boys may daily read in the Times which lies on their mother's drawingroom tables, of scenes as bad as any that TERENCE depicts, still it is better not to put into the mouths of boys sentiments which would shock the susceptibilities of their mothers and sisters, if they understood them. The preparations of the play, too, no doubt interfered with the graver avocations of the school. It was a thing of the past. Public opinion was against it, and DEAN TRENCH will not be blamed for giving it the coup de grace." The life of this unfortunate creature is but a sorry comment on the efficacy of our prison discipline; or was her nature so hardened that no reformatory could possibly make an impression upon it? In the present instance, this Heroine of Two Hundred Assaults" was condemned to twenty-one days' imprisonment with hard labour. The same treatment having failed two hundred times previously, is there much chance of its succeeding on the two-hundredth-and-first time? Common sense would dictate the trial of some other remedy, or else it would be only charitable, until such time as she has learnt to distinguish right from wrong, to confine her in some place of security, where she could not inflict injury either upon herself or others. AN UNUSUAL NEW YEAR'S GIFT. So at least thinks the Guardian. But whether or no the Guardian AN Imperial patent is published in the Vienna Gazette, regulating is gifted with the power of gauging public opinion, and has foundation the financial system of Austria on a perfectly new basis. The patent for its statement that public opinion was against the playing of the Play, acquires the form of law on the First of January. This is a New Mr. Punch will leave his readers to determine for themselves, if it Year's gift worth its weight in gold, though perhaps we are too hasty. happen that they think it worth their while to do so. With regard, It will be as well not to go on so quickly. Suppose we say worth its too, to the prophecy which the Guardian has put forth, that DEAN weight in copper. We will begin first with kreuzers, then work our TRENCH "will not be blamed" for abolishing the Play, Mr. Punch is way cautiously up to florins, and end gradually, a small Louis d'or at not disposed to accept this as fulfilled yet, inasmuch as he himself sees a time, with gold. The grandsons of the present Boeotian population certain grounds for censure, and is by no means yet convinced but that may probably come in for the latter some hundred years hence. We he will have to give it. The plea that TERENCE although "good" is not cannot have everything at once. However, the poor Viennese are perfect" in morality, cannot, properly considered, be held to justify delighted at the opening of the new prospect before them, and perhaps his banishment. SHAKSPEARE might be proscribed on a similar it is the extreme distance of it that lends an additional enchantment account, and there would be not more advantage in so doing. There to the view. They are so tired of the paper currency, that they are is such a fault as being overnice, and grossness very often is produced glad à la CHARLES MATHEWS, to take "anything for a change." by too much delicacy. We must say good-bye to a good part of the classics, if we exorcise all the writers who have written aught unsavoury. We cannot wish our sons to have their mouths so full of foulness that they needs must blurt it out before their mothers and their sisters. On the other hand, however, we have no wish they should cultivate such mealy-mouthed mock-modesty as should make them wear an eyeglass so as not to use the naked eye, or blush when asking to be helped to the bosom of a chicken. Ignorance in High Life. Fashionable Lady (to her Husband). "I wonder how the children are? I haven't seen them for ever so long, and I declare I am getting quite anxious. I say, HENRY, dear, I wish you would show me the way up to the nursery." RATHER A KNOWING THING IN NETS. Admiring Friend. "WHY, FRANK! WHAT A CAPITAL DODGE!" 66 Frank. A-YA-AS. MY BEARD IS SUCH A BORE, THAT I HAVE TAKEN A HINT FROM THE FAIR SEX." CLERICAL OLD CLO' MEN. THE recent ferment in St. George's in the East, or Yeast, was mainly caused by the odd clothing of the clergyman who preached there. By the account of an eye-witness, this minister was habited"Not in the ordinary linen surplice, with the graceful appendages of scarf and university hood, but in a yellowish white cloak fastened close round the neck, with trimmings consisting of broad gold lace embroidery, with a cross woven in the back." Seeing that the Puseyites do all they can to make their services theatrical, we should fancy that an extra "effect" might be produced if their "yellowish white cloaks" were fashioned à la opera cloak, and if a crush hat were used by them as headcover. The "broad gold lace embroidery," which is worn by way of "trimmings" smacks somewhat of the footman rather than the clergyman; but perhaps this is used to indicate humility, and to be a badge to mark the servants of the Church. In defence of these queer vestments it is urged, that they are merely the "ornaments of a minister," which are by the rubric directed to be worn: the rubric ordering that an age so progressive as our own. They indicate to our mind a backsliding in the Church; a sliding back, that is, to the costumes of the past, which are like its customs, quite unsuited to the present. At any rate, however, if the habit be persisted in, we trust our bishops will take leaves from the Puseyitish fashion-books, and come out in the ". gorgeous array " of some two hundred years ago. They might, in one respect at least, find the costume not unserviceable. The formidable boots which were in vogue in EDWARD's time might be used just now with considerable effect upon such persons as the Church would be the better for ejecting. ROMAN CATHOLIC EMIGRATION. and be in use, as were in the Church of England by authority of Parliament in the Association will endeavour to provide the funds necessary to enable "Such ornaments of the Church and of the ministers thereof shall be retained, 2nd year of KING EDWARD THE SIXTH." But they who quote this in defence of their eccentric way of dressing, need reminding of the fact that "things isn't as they used to was." The old clo' of the Church which these old clo' men have revived were in KING EDWARD'S reign cut out for a set and special object; the purpose being to distinguish between the contempt of all ecclesiastical apparel on the part of the severe and strict Genevan School, and the endeavour to retain or reproduce the customs of the Romish priesthood, which were then becoming exploded and disused. There is no more reason now that the clergy should be robed in the apparel of KING EDWARD'S time, than that the laity should wear the costume of that period. Vestments so old-fashioned are not fitting for THE Roman Catholics, in their published protest, declare that they will not endure the subjection of their Sovereign Pontiff to any earthly authority. He shall be a King! Marking their "absolute shall," which Congress may possibly disregard, Mr. Punch, the patron of the persecuted, begs to propose the formation of an Emigration Society, with a view to accommodate these protestant papists. This charitable them to abjure the realm, and exchange the constitutional Government of QUEEN VICTORIA for the paternal despotism of PIO NONO. They will thus be empowered to enjoy that form of government in preference to the other, just as the Mormons, forsaking the institutions of the United States, departed to rejoice under the theocracy of JOE SMITH, and his successor, BRIGHAM YOUNG. A large exodus of the "faithful' may consequently be expected; that is, if his HOLINESS will agree to place himself at the head of it, and shift the Chair of Peter (with a Mahometan legend upon it) to some locality as far removed from modern civilisation as Utah, and the borders of the Salt Lake. They will leave their country for their country's good, as many others have done before them who entertained similar views on the subject of high-treason. |