PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

JULY 23. Monday. The Lords were informed that the Metropolis requires extensive Poultry and other Provision Markets, and the Smithfield Bill was presented to them as the means for supplying the want. Mr. Punch has said his say upon civic greed, and has elicited the explanation that only 550 square yards of Smithfield are to be converted into poultry-yards, and about five times as much is to be let alone, for the present. He does not expect the City to make Ducks and Drakes of its money; but to convert into a Poultry-shop any of the limited space which might have been a recreation ground for the people, is a Foul project, and worthy of Cox (Finsbury). However, the site is near St. Bartholomew's Hospital, and he hopes all concerned in the plunder will catch the Chicken-pox from some out-door patient. If he could mark his contempt for the City by making any worse jokes on the subject, he would do so. The Bill was read a Second time. A Bill for relieving the Press from certain liabilities was opposed by LORD CHELMSFORD, as calculated to hinder the punishment of libellers, and was rejected.

LORD PALMERSTON announced to the House that we really must Fortify. He meant no disrespect to Anybody anywhere, and Nobody had any "call" to be offended; but it would not do for England to owe her safety to Anybody's forbearance, and she must be as strong as Anybody else. Therefore it was proposed to lay out about Nine Millions of money in the way recommended by the Fortification Commission. There is to be no attempt to defend London, PALMERSTON considering that Mr. Punch's residence in the E. C. (or Early Closing) District is sufficient guarantee for the impregnability of the City, which, moreover, PAM said would have to be saved by a Battle-and one Battle he thought would be sufficient for the purpose. But we are to make our military and naval storehouses so safe that, happen what may, we shall always have ample means of warfare at our command. The dockyards and arsenals generally are to be fortified. About Two Millions of money are wanted at once. PALMERSTON made a spirited speech, which offended MR. BRIGHT, who declared that, come what might, the money should not be granted off-hand, and who

afterwards gave notice of a resolution against fortifying ourselves any more. MR. LINDSAY, a ship-builder, also, of course, sees no sense in stone walls, and means to oppose PAM.

The Monster HERBERT then made an interesting speech on the details of the proposed works. The places that are to be fortified are Portsmouth, Plymouth, and Pembroke; and inasmuch as the Thames does not smell this year, and is therefore useless as an offensive force, about £180,000 is to be spent thereon. On the Medway, and at Chatham, there are to be works. Dover is to be made strong, as is Portland, and there is to be a good deal done at Cork. That is the it was arranged that it should be considered that day week. Government proposal for defending the kingdom against Anybody, and

a

On the Civil Service Estimates, our Wiscount came out. He wants the grounds of Hampton Court used for the training of Riflemen and Mr. Punch thinks that visitors as Shooting-Grounds for them. might like to be heard upon that subject, and that it should be a matter of inquiry how far it would be agreeable to a couple of lovers spooneyfying beside the fat gold-fishes, to have their sentimental conversation interrupted by a howl from EDWIN to the effect that a conical ball had just gone through the am sangwitches in his coat-tail pocket, or squeal from ANGELINA setting forth that a similar stray missile had knocked the steel of her Crinoline hind part before. The Wiscount made several other suggestions, which were also treated with the most perfect contempt. There was an idea for building a new house for the big Car which was the only ridiculous thing at the funeral of the DUKE OF WELLINGTON. This the PRINCE OF WALES is of course not going to have choking up the court-yard of his house in Pall Mall, and MR. CowPER does not seem to know what to do with it. Considerable sarcasm was launched at the Car, and MR. COWPER finally withdrew the vote, piteously declaring, however, that he must have some place to put it in. Why on earth, if it is to be preserved at all, is it not put into the Hall of Chelsea Hospital, where the old Land-Crabs might pick up an occasional sixpence by showing it, and lying about their own achievements under the Duke, just as the old Sea-Crabs do at Greenwich about NELSON?

Tuesday. The Lords got through a good deal of business, and ELLENBOROUGH made a little speech which deserves to be remembered.

Whether its grace is materially increased by the fact that the speaker's father was a law lord, is a matter for anybody who cares about it :

"The EARL OF ELLENBOROUGH said, he always felt a difficulty in understanding the state of the case when he had heard three or four law lords discuss it, especially if they spoke at any length. (Laughter.)"

The Commons had a fight on the Poor-Law Board Continuance Bill, which went through Committee, though not until the Government had been defeated on the question, whether the Board, like Pompey in the play, was to "continue" for five years or three, the latter alternative being carried by 147 to 92.

LORD JOHN RUSSELL had the pleasure of announcing to the House that the KING OF THE TWO SICILIES was, by his own act, the King of One Sicily only, he having been obliged to order that the island be evacuated by his troops. It is stated that this announcement is premature. It is also said that the KING OF SARDINIA sent to GARIBALDI to beg he would not think of attacking the mainland; but GARIBALDI, curiously, happening to be out of the way, of course the King's message could not reach him.

MR. O'BRIEN wanted the Government to make it a condition on board the mail-packets they subsidised, that there shall be none of that system of insulting coloured ladies and gentlemen of which we have lately heard so much. MR. LAING replied, that all the colourable interest of Government in these ships' concerns is the safe conveyance of what is down in Black and White in the letters. A long debate on the present absurd system of Promotion and Retirement in the Navy followed, SIR JOHN PAKINGTON demanding an inquiry into the subject, which demand was successfully resisted by the Ministers. Wednesday, SIR G. C. LEWIS drew a whole row of the teeth of the Ecclesiastical Commission Bill, by withdrawing all the clauses on which serious fight was offered, and the measure being thus rendered almost useless, the House discussed it, in Committee, with much affability.

Thursday. In the Felony Bill it was enacted by the Lords that counsel for the prisoner shall have the right of reply only when the Judge thinks it necessary. Mr. Punch is rather inclined to agree with LORD ELLENBOROUGH, that this is rather unfair upon the Judge, who will very likely permit many a needless harangue rather than be charged with shutting up the advocate's mouth. As regards the interests of justice, there does not seem to be any harm in the arrangement, or that a criminal will be much more likely to get off because his man has the last word. MR. JUSTICE PUNCH would feel it his duty to be par: ticularly clear in his summing up after such an address, and would certainly not be, as the Judge in old time, was called, Counsel for the prisoner.

The Bill with (or rather without) the Drawn Teeth went through Committee. The CHANCELLOR OF THE X. informed MR. BRIGHT that the one and elevenpenny Rap just inflicted on Spirits was to be permanent spirit-rapping. LORD JOHN RUSSELL stated, that the KING OF NAPLES had begged the Government of England to insist on GARIBALDI'S accepting an armistice, and that the Government of England had informed the KING OF NAPLES that they would see him in Acheron first, and then they wouldn't, whereat the House cheered. MR. LAING stated, that the Post Office Report was under consideration. Mr. Punch's private Spirits have informed him of one thing in it which, when disclosed, he proposes to make a precious row about. LORD PALMERSTON then, after a good deal of grumbling and growling from the Opposition and others, took away another large piece of the little time now left to independent Members. The Gas Tyrants Correction Bill was passed, on the motion of SIR JOHN SHELLEY, who deserves the title of the Gas GARIBALDI.

After a sentimental little motion of MR. HENNESSY had been squashed by 73 to 15, the important Bill about the Indian Army came on again, and after some debating, a motion for adjournment was made, to which LORD PALMERSTON assented, saying,

"It is the duty of HER MAJESTY's Ministers to sit here and listen to any length of speeches that Honourable Gentlemen may choose to make, and to any length of extracts that they may tender us. (A laugh and cheers.) Of course, when an Honourable Member is at a loss for other arguments, it is very natural that he should make out his speech by reading. ('Hear,' and a laugh.) HER MAJESTY'S Government attach great importance to this Bill. Our patience is inexhaustible, and we are quite prepared to sit here until Christmas in order to pass it. (Hear,

hear.)"

This did not exactly tend to sweeten the tempers of some of the opponents of the Bill, which COLONEL SYKES declared would greatly rile the 4950 British officers in the local service, besides ruining the Indian Empire. This debate was acrimoniously resumed next night, and again adjourned till the Monday, so that it might delightfully interfere with the Fortifications discussion.

A Bill for interfering with Theatres and Public-Houses had been introduced, but in consequence of the publication of a letter on the subject from the Christy Minstrels, who would be affected by its action, it was withdrawn, and the poetical person who writes the gibberish chanted by these begrimed parties received orders to prepare a song of jubilee. He sent an early copy to Mr. Punch, who is much pleased

Friday. The British Coroner savours a good deal of the British Beadle. He is usually either a spouting Doctor or a pushing Attorney, and he gets his place by a desperate canvass, with placards and all the vulgar machinery of a parochial struggle. When in office, his business is to hold as many inquests as he possibly can, because he is paid out of fees on separate cases. It is therefore to his interest that as many persons should make away with themselves or be made away with as possible. A Bill for making him a little less obnoxious to the public was this evening read a Second time. The Coronets avowed considerable contempt for the Coroners.

The Session and Season are now telling upon everybody. People get weary, cross, and careless; and even Mr. Punch himself is conscious of occasionally emitting an epigram whose excellent wit is not quite polished up to his habitually preternatural effulgence. He sometimes gives gold-the purest, doubtless, but only gold-instead of diamonds. The fact is, that it is time to leave town, and bathe the soul in shady woods. Any person who is up to his ordinary mark during the last part of the Season is a Snob, and not Elegant and Sought After. Any journal that is as well written in September as in May is written by Suobs. These remarks are not made in any Aristocratic spirit of Swell-domMr. Punch conceived them while eating a cold sausage and leaning at Commons, which is just now dawdling, twaddling, and every now and the door of a country public-house-but to apologise for the House of then having a violent scold. PALMERSTON to-night rebuked the Opposition for hindering and talking, and advised Members to avail themselves of every opportunity of holding their tongues, whereat DISRAELI blazed up, and said that all the loss of time and good measures arose from the Government-Coalition having, merely for factious purposes, and to keep their places, wasted the Session on an Illusory Treaty and a Moonshine Reform Bill. Even big BENTINCK, of Norfolk, has grown nervous, and thinks all the foreigners in London are going to rise and pull up the telegraph-posts and tear up the railways. We must all get

out of town.

THE PAPAL BRIGADIER'S RETURN.
THE Irish Boy is come back from Rome,
In a seedy suit you'll find him:
He brings large holes in his breeches home,
And his coat slit up behind him.
"Land of bosh!" cried the downy card,

Though Priests may howl, be aisy:
Some lads have cut the Papal guard—
Some greenhorns, duped, not crazy."

The Boy was done, but the Papal chain
Could not keep his shrewd soul under;
The swag he expected, he didn't gain;

So he found he'd made a blunder.
And said, "No Pope shall humbug me;
My soul abhors base knavery.
I'll never fight, gratis, against the Free,
For Popery and for Slavery!"

WE OUGHT TO BE CAREFUL.

IN FORBES WINSLOW's new book, among some very singular accounts of the beneficial results of accidents to persons of feeble intelleet, is a statement that a supposed Idiot, having received a violent blow on the head, became a practising Barrister. Mr. Punch, ever since reading this anecdote, has been puzzling over the Law List to try to find out who the party is. He has his suspicions on the subject, but it is premature to disclose them. Meantime he has resolved to be very careful for the future how he indulges his own favourite practice of giving idiots a rap on the head, lest he should be unwarily creating more barristers than at present afflict creation.

OUR SANGUINE FRIEND.

THE Honourable Member for Birmingham opposes the loan for the fortification of our dockyards. He evidently takes too BRIGHT a view of the armaments of our neighbours.