Sidor som bilder
PDF
ePub

and much mufic to these may provoke them to jealousy, and they may envy your happiness, and be led, by the devil and unbelief, to curfe their hard fate, unless you can mingle a little wifdom with it; that is, conceal it, when need requires, and become weak to the weak, and as bound to them that are under the law.

I once knew a young man who continued in his comforts for three or four years, and who feemed to have nothing elfe but joy and happiness; and at that time I had feldom any thing else but temptations, bondage, perfecution, hunger, cold, and nakedness; and I have often envied his happinefs, longed to be indulged like him, and curfed my hard fate and evil days. But he turned out an awful apoftate, and, when he had filled his measure, came to his end in the midft of his days. I am watching to see what fort of a fuckling thou wilt turn out to be; whether one of them who always need milk, being unfkilful in the word of righteousness; or one of full age, who, by reafon of use, have their fenfes exercised to difcern both good and evil, and fo live upon ftrong meat. When it pleafed God to reveal his Son in me, with all his faving benefits, when pardon, juftification, and adoption, all came in at once, and perfect liberty was proclaimed, I looked at him whom I had pierced, and mourned; not for him, for I had got him; but over him, to think of his dreadful fufferings for such a worthlefs wretch as me.

[blocks in formation]

His dying love melted me; his comforts filled my foul with holy grief; I rejoiced in his falvation, but wept all the day long over my fuffering Saviour. My unworthinefs made me coyly put away his tender mercy from me, and I cringed from him to fhun the light. But he preffed his love upon me, and purfued me, and compelled me to use freedom and familiarity with him. This glorious vifion, and the bleffed effects of it, continued, excepting a few intervals, for near twelve months; and every evil of my heart was entirely hid from me; at which time the promises came into my foul fwarming like bees; and, as they came into my heart, fo they discharged their rich and bleffed contents, and that with power, love, and comfort; when at the fame time the Spirit explained their meaning to my understanding, and applied their bleffings to my heart; and I fucked the breafts of these confolations; I milked out, and was fatisfied and delighted with the abundance of Zion's glory. I was dandled on the knee, and borne upon the fide; and, as one whom his mother comforteth, fo did my God and Saviour comfort me; and I was comforted in Jerufalem; for I had an open vifion of that myftical city for fome hours together, and that in the day-time. This open vifion enlarged my mind, and extended my views, and my inward confolations abounded; infomuch that my foul melted with love, gratitude, mecknefs, humiliation, con

trition,

trition, and godly forrow, all the day long. 1 loathed myself in duft and ashes, and thought I could never be enough avenged on myfelf for my former folly, nor ever appear little enough in my own eyes, nor be enough grateful to the King of kings and Lord of lords. This continued, as before obferved, well nigh a whole year, without much variation; and in these frames I was wonderfully secure, and expected daily to be ripening for glory, and that I fhould foon be called to the upper world; and I longed for it. Little did I think that these comforts would ever be exchanged for fpiritual desertions, the piercing frowns and flights of Heaven, and the dreadful affaults of Satan. I had, in my unspeakable joy, defied both the devil and fin. The fucking child had played on the hole of the afp; but it is the weaned child that shall put his hand on the cockatrice den. I had, in my prosperity, said, “ Surely I shall never be moved; for thou, Lord, of thy goodness, haft made my hill fo ftrong." After the expiration of the above term I found the corruptions of my heart begin to ftir, and appear in fight. John could not be more terrified at the appearance of the beast with feven heads and ten horns than I was at the appearance of these. I cried mightily to God, and down they all went, and out of fight. Soon after they appeared again; and I prayed, and all these little foxes, that fpoiled the vines, sculked into their holes. But foon they appeared F4

more

more formidable, first one and then another; and, before I could get one out of fight by prayer, there would appear ten more in fight, till I quite defpaired of driving out these old inhabitants of the land. And now my comforts fled, and the Lord left me; and Satan came to prefent to my view the holinefs of a real faint, and how widely I differed from one of that happy number, by fuggefting fuch texts as thefe: "He that is born of God finneth not;" " They do no iniquity; they walk in his law," &c. And with this temptation also was I befet, namely, that I had inadvertently finned against the Holy Ghoft. This cut my girdle. I caft away all my confidence, repented of my presumption in claiming Christ as mine, and relinquifhed, as far as unbelief could go, all pretenfions to any part or lot in the great falvation of Chrift. At this time the Lord returned with double love and treble glory, and revived the whole work, and brought it all forth to light again, and led me to compare spiritual things with fpiritual. His work within, with his word of promise without, and what I read in his book, I found to be engraved on my heart, and I appeared to be established like the everlasting hills.

And now I muft tell my friend how this trial came upon me. I had been for fome time turning over in my mind fuch paffages as these;

"You fhall be hated of all men for

my

name's

fake." "Is it through much tribulation we must

enter

enter into the kingdom of God." thee in the furnace of affliction."

"I have chofen "He that will

come after me, let him take up his crofs and follow me." I knew that I had none of thefe exercifes, and therefore concluded all was not right with me; that I was not "in the footsteps of the flock;" and, fearing of coming fhort of the promifed reft, and of any thing being lacking in my faith that is effential to falvation, I fecretly wifhed for trials and troubles, and for fuch tribulation as lay in the way to the kingdom; and foon after the above-described desertion came on. But, after the above-mentioned revival of the work, my mountain seemed fo ftrong again, that I thought, as before, that I fhould never be moved again. But, foon after, another spiritual desertion came on, attended with wrath, bitterness of foul, legal bondage, and intolerable hardness of heart. And with this a very ftrange fire was kindled, which I never had felt before, and that was fpiritual jealoufy; and this stirred up the most bitter rebellion, and laid me open to the cruel affaults of Satan. All these came on at once. This fad complication of miferies fo confounded me, and drank up my fpirits, that I was obliged to quit my lawful labour, and to wander into the fields and woods. At length the Lord came again, as before, and brought his whole work on my foul to light again; and I curfed my folly in giving way to Satan and to unbelief, and for calling in queftion

the

« FöregåendeFortsätt »