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to choose, that I might be fatisfied I had made a good bargain: And though many a day I have feen neither fun nor moon, nor stars fince, Acts xxvii. and have been in the deep day and night; 2 Cor. xi. 25. yet fo far did this go, that I durft never once in with retract my choice. 4. He knew what a wilderness I was to go through, and therefor led me not into that long and weary journey till he had made me eat once and again, as he did by Elijah. 1 Kings xix. 6, 7. 5. The Lord did not at first plunge me into war, left I fhould have repented my engagement: Exod. xiii. 17. And it came to pass when Pharaoh had let the people go, that God led them not through the way of the land of the philistines although that was near; for God Jaid left peradventure the people repent when they fee war, and they return to Egypt. 6. The Lord hereby undeceived me as to my hard thoughts of his ways, and reproved me for them; oft was I put to fay, Lord, I was as a beaft, Pfalm lxxiii. 22. and how bruitsh was I to think that fpirituality was a burden, and that it was impoffible to be one day fo to an end, without weariness! Thus he let me fee, That luttered what 1 understood not; Job xlii. 3. and tho' once I had fo Spoken, yet now I durft not proceed: Job xl. 4, 5. For I faw what with men is impoffible, with God is poffible and easy, Matth. xix. 26. who can change the heart, and then the thoughts change. Matth. xii. 33. Finally, The Lord defign'd to give me fomething that might in all after-trials be staying; and oft has the remembrance of this been fweet when present fenfe fail'd: Prov. xxi. 1. Dan. iv. 16. I called to mind the years of the right hand of the most High, Pfalm lxxvii. 10. and was ftill fupported by it.

6. But alas I understood not this, and by my ignorance I was caft into fad mistakes. 1. I fancied this world would last always; I ravingly talk'd of taber nacles with the difciples on the mount; Matth. xvii. 4. I knew not that I was to come down again, and

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that my dearest Lord was to depart from me again Pfalm xxx. 6, 7. 'In my profperity I faid, My moun"tain ftands strong by thy favour, and I should never

be moved.' 2. I dream'd no more of fighting with corruptions; but thought that the enemies that appeared not, were dead, and that the Egyptians were all drowned in the fea, Exod. xiv. 13. and that I fhould never learn, nor have occafion for learning wan Ifa. ii. 4. 3. I projected to tie myfelf up to fuch a bent, and stint myself to fuch a courfe of walking, as neither our circumftances, temptations, nor our duty in this world allows of. Hereon I remember, I could not endure to read thefe books which were really proper and neceffary to be read, and all times employed in them I reckoned on as loft: This was the old legal temper beginning to work again, and fecretly inclining to feek righteoufnefs, not directly as before, but as it were by the works of the law;' Rom. ix. 32. and aiming to entangle me in a yoke of bondage: Yea I began to grudge and be challenged about the time spent in neceffary refreshment of the body by meat and fleep, and endeavoured to abridge myself. The devil fecretly drove from one extreme to another, and he knew full well that I would not hold here, and that he would easily get me caft into another extreme, to affume a latitude beyond what was due. Cor. ii. 23. Thus I was well nigh intangled into that yoke of bondage which the Lord hath fo lately broke; and deceived unto a voluntary humility and mortification, being vainly puffed up to it by my fleshy mind. Col. ii. 18. 4. I began to reckon upon enlargement and fuccefs in duty,as what was not only my due,but what I fhould always have, and that it was more mine own than really it was: I began to fpeak of it with delight like the difciples, I faid Lord, even the devils are fubject to us. Luke x. 17, 20. 5. I look'd upon this stock of grace I had gotten, as what would be fufficient to carry me through all my difficulties; Ifa. xl. 31..and.

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faw not that the grace that was fufficient, 2 Cor. xi. 9. was yet in the Lord's hand.

7. But now the Lord quickly undeceived me, for 1. After a little he began to hide himfelf. P/alm xXX. 7. 2. He gave me a thorn in the flesh to humble me: 2 Cor. xii. 7. My corruptions began to flir again, and like giants refrefh'd by wine, to make furious affaults. 3. A me lenger of Satan was fent to buffet men Ibid. and I began to feel the fury of his temptations.

8. Hereon I was caft into great perplexity. 1. I fell into deep forrow; Thou didst hid thy face and I was troubled. Pfalm xxx. 7. 2. I began to queftion the truth of former manifeftations, and to fay with the difciples, We thought it had been he that should have redeemed Ifrael, Luke xxiv. 21 Again, 3. I began to doubt of my through-bearance, and to fay, One day I fhall perish by the band of Saul. 1 Sam. xxvii. 1. And, 4. I began to quarrel fecretly with the Lord as if he had beguiled me, and to fay, Why haft thou not delivered me? Exod. v. 12, 13. Why is my bondage increas'd fince thou began to appear for my deliverance?

9. Under this cafe I tried all means, but run oft to wrong ways. 1. I complain'd, and then my foul was overwhelmed. Pfalm lxxvii. 3. Again, 2. I thought upon God; but not finding the difcoveries as before, I was troubled. lbid. 3. I enquired into the caufes of this; Pfalm lxxvi. 6, 7, &c. Wherefor hideft thou thy face? Why art thou fo far from helping? But here oft my fpirit began to go too far, and even to fay, Jer. xv. 18. Wilt thou be always as a liar, and as waters that fail? And then I took myfelf and was funk deeper for my wickednefs in chiding with God. 4. I effay'd to shake myself, and to go to duty as before Judg. xvi. 20. I wift net the Lord was departed, that my locks were cut, and that the enemy that lay in my bofom had difcovered my ftrength, and got between me and it.

Ic. I was hereon melancholly exceedingly, and fo much the more, that now I remembred all my goodly pleafant things I enjoyed before I fell into the enemies band: Lami. 7. But yet when after the violence of my conflict I recovered myself, I could not but fee that things were better at my worse case, than formerly in my best. For, 1, The Lord gave frequent blinks of his countenance: He fhewed himself at the windows and flourish'd at the latteffes, Cant ii. 9 and fometimes put in his finger by the hole of the door, and fpoke kindly; and my bowels were moved for him: v. 4. 2. He frequently let me fee fomewhat of his power and glory in the fanctuary, Pfalm lxiii. 2, 3. opened a fcripture and made my heart burn, or unfolded my cafe and and told me all that was in my heart, Luke xxiv. 32. or let me fee the end of ene mies, 3. Sometimes he allowed me accefs to him, Rom v. 2. and made me come even to his feat, Job xxiii. 3. and pour out my foul to him. Pfalm lxii. 8. 4. When I was at my loweft, I ftood otherwise affected to Chrift than before: Though I could not run after him, yet I unwillingly ftayed away: My foul longed after him: Pfalm lxxxiv. 2. when wilt thou come? Pfalm ci. 2. I frequently breathed for drawings, Draw me, and I will run after thee; Cant i; 4. fometimes I effayed to stretch out the withered hand, and wifhed for the command that would impower me to lay hold on him; I still stuck to this, that fal vation only is to be found in him, I refus'd to go any where else, but refolved to wait on, and though he fhould lay me yet trust in him I would. Job yi. 68. 5. As to the law of the Lord, though I could not run as when my heart was enlarged, Pfalm cxix. 32. —5—17.—35. yet my will was ftill bent that way; I long'd to walk, and run, and for that enlargment that would make me run: I breathed after conformi ty; I had no quarrel at it, but myfelf: I delighted in the law after the inward man, Rom, vii. 22. 6. As

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to fin, there was a great odds; though I could not, delight in duty as before, I abhorred thoughts of delighting in fin; I was fometimes by the power of temptation driven to confent to its embraces, but that was just such a forc'd confent, as by the power of conviction I before gave to the law: When ever 1 was at myself, I retracted it: My repenting's were kindled within me: Hof. xi. 8. Though it prevailed, my heart was not with it as before; Judg. xvi. 15. I found another fort of oppofition made to it; it was dead in purpose and defign; and if it gained victory, I was the more enrag'd against it; in a word, as to the law of God I was as a fick man with his friends fitting at his bed-fide; he has no averfion to them, though he cannot delight in them as before; he reflects with fuch a pleasure, as his prefent cafe allows, upon the fatisfaction he has had in their converfe, and wishes to be in cafe again: But I was quite contrary with refpect to fin. Finally, This deadnefs was now a preternatural state; I could not reft in it, but cry'd daily, Pfalm lxxxv. 6. When wilt thou revive me? I loathed myfelf for it: I wearied, I effay'd to break prifon, I looked back to former feafons when it had been otherwise, and oft said, O that it were with me as in months paft. Job xxix. 2.

CHA P. IV.

Containing an account of my strugglings with indwelling fin, its victories, the causes of them on my part, and God's goodness with respect to this trial.

I.

I

Had not been long in this pleasant cafe before I found my mistake, that enemies were not foil'd, and that I muft down into the valley, and wrestle with principalities and powers, Eph. vi. 12. and fight with no lefs enemies than the Anakims. My corruptions, felf, paffion, &c. and efpecially thofe fins

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