the Lord quickned by any new blink: (for the winter fun has his warm and refreshing blinks even in the coldest season) This application I fay, especially when the Lord as he frequently did, gave any new breathing, did relieve me and help to quiet my confcience as to the afflicting fenfe of thefe fins of daily incurfion: When the Lord helped to pray for cleansing from fecret fins, and keep back from prefumptuous fins ; Pfalm xix. 12, 13. I was fatisfied as to my uprightnefs and freedom from the great tranfgreffion, and acceptance with him in following any duty of my ftation through the beloved. 10. As the cafe was not fo urgent, fo neither was the outgate fo difcernable; but it was fufficient to answer in fome measure the end above-mentioned, freedom from difpiriting difcouragement, and fome measure of comfort and quiet as to my acceptance with God through Chrift.

I conclude with four obfervations as to the whole, 1. Though we may fometimes heal our own wound fightly, yet it is God's prerogative to speak folid peace, Ifa, lvii. 19. yea, and the speaking of it is a work of the greatest power, where the confcience is really exercifed; it is a creating peace, and where he creates it, he can make it take effect; Job xxxiv. 29. When he giveth quietness who then can make trouble? and when he hideth his face, who then can behold him? Whether it be done against a nation or against a man only. 2. The Lord let me fee, That confidering the pride and unbelief of our hearts, and the greatness of our guilt, it is not eafy to win to believe that the forgiveness that is with God is able to answer all we need, and fo to engage a finner to betake himself unto it at all times when once he comes to fee his cafe throughly; and when this unbelief is in fome measure maf tered, and the foul fatisfied of the fulness of the fountain, and extenfive, nay, infinite reach of the forgivenefs that is with God, and the pride of heart fo far broken, that the foul is willing to be daily beholden

to grace and mercy; it is not eafy to keep up either a due deteftation of fin, or keep our carnal hearts from, a common use of it, or ratheran abufe of it: Here in my opinion, lyes one of the greatest secrets of practical godliness, and the highest attainment in clofs walking with God; to come daily and wash, and yet to keep as great a value for this difcovery of forgivenefs, as if it were once only to be got and no more: Indeed the more we fee of it, the more we fhould value it; but our carnal hearts on the contrary turn for mal, and count it a common thing, That which is our daily allowance we value little, and we are fond of novelties and dainties: Bread is more precious than moft, nay, any of the rarities which men purchase at fo dear a rate; but becaufe God has provided it in plenty and we daily use it, therefor we make a light account of it: Bicffed are they with whom it is otherwife in the cafe now in hand. 3. I obferve that the joy of the Lord is then only to be retained when we walk tenderly and circumspectly; 'tis inconfiftent not only with the entertainment of any grofs fin; būt with a careless walk: Then had the churches reft throughout all Judea, and Galilee, and Samaria, and were edified, walking in the fear of the Lord, and in the comfort of the holy Ghoft, &c. Acts ix. 31. 4. I obferve then when I was at the lowest ebb as to forgivenefs, doubting if the Lord would pardon, after many duties have been effayed without finding the Lord, or any fenfe of his love, I have oft found him in the duty of thankfulness: And whereas one will fay, What had I then to be thankful for? I anfwer, I began thus, What a mercy is it that I am out of hell? Lam. iii. 21, 22. It is of the Lord's mercies I am not confumed; bleffed be the Lord for this. Again what a mercy is it that not only the Lord has helped me to notice his mercy in keeping me out of hell, but to be thankful for it. Again bleffed be the Lord that has kept me out of hell, bleffed be the Lord that has

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Part III. made me obferve it with thankfulness, and bleffed be the Lord that has made me obferve his mercy in helping me to thankfulness: Thus I have gone on till the Lord has led me to a sense of his love, and restored comforts to my foul: They that will praife the Lord for little shall have more: Pfalm lxvii. 5, 6. Let the people praise thee, O God: let all the people praise thee. Then fhall the earth yeild her increase, and God, even our own God fhall blejs us.

Upon a further obfervation of this variety of cafes wherewith I was exercifed,, the Lord's management of them, and what I have felt in myself, I fee befides the fruits before-mentioned, many others; 1. The Lord hereby rebuked me for my fondnefs of enlargement and my thinking to live a life of fenfe, and trained me fomewhat up to a life of faith, the faith of adherance that cleaves to God as revealed in the word, and refuses to quit the word even when it finds not the Lord in it, in a fenfible way that refreshes, which certainly is more ftrong than that which cleaves to it when it feels fenfible refreshment and power to truft in God when hiding and threatning to flay, Job xiii. 15. is to hope against hope. 2. He taught me not to judge of my ftate by my frames; befide many other leffons that now occur not.

CHAP. VI.

Recounting my excrcife about the being of God, and fhewing the way of my outgate from this temptation.

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I. Have before mentioned, and given fome ac count of my trials about the being of God, Being now to give an account of the relief, it will be proper to recapitulate briefly my whole exercife with refpect unto this head, and fet the temptation, and the relief together

as

2. I have fhewed above, that I was early, even a foon almoft, as I began to have any clofe concern about religion, exercised with temptations, in reference to this great and fundamental truth. But at first I had no arguments urged against this truth, or injected into my mind. Only being made to fee, that this was the hinge whereon the whole of religion turns, all hopes. 'depend, and by which all practices were to be regulate, I found myself at a lofs for want of an evidence, fufficiently clear and ftrong, and convincing, which I thought neceffary, with refpect to a truth, whereon fo much weight was to be laid. In a word, I was at Pharaoh's pafs, Exod, v. 2. Who is the Lord that I hould obey him, and let Ifrael go. Plainly, very great things are demanded of me, and I am call'd to hope for great things, and before I trust so far, I would be fatisfied to know more of that God in whom I am to truft, as to fo great things.

3. But afterwards Satan attack'd me by fubtile injections, as I have fhewed before, took me at a difadvantage, when I was eftranged from God, and my head intent upon abftract fubtilities, and while I followed fuch vain fpeculations, intruding into things I had not feen, he took his opportunity, and faid daily, Where is thy God? Pfalm xlii. 3, 10. And when he had got me down, he triumphed, where is now that mouth, with which thou didst all along reproach Atheists? Such are their arguments, try your strength with them, and fight them. Judg. ix. 38.

4. Hereon a fharp conflict began to be managed in my breast. On the one hand, Satan in conjunction with the natural Atheism of my heart, plied me hard with fiery darts, Eph. vi. 16. and fubtile sophistry, arguments fometimes aftonishing, fo far were they above my reach. On the other hand, I a poor apoftate creature fadly darkned, but yet retaining fome remainders of light, which God has made manifeft in my confcience, Rom. i. 19, as in thefe of other men,

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Part III. and fomewhat confirmed in thofe notions of God by education, the outward difpenfation of the word, and it may be. by fome common work of the fpi it, riveting all the former, keeping alive thefe impreffions, or, at least reftraining Satan and my corruptions from blotting them out. Against that formidable confederacy, I, fuch a one as I have now represented myself, made head, and appear'd.

5. In this conflict, I us'd various ways, ift. I fometimes rejected the fuggeftions, and refus'd them a hearing, Who art thou that replieft, or difputeft against God? Rom. ix. 20. It fhocks nature's light to say, Pfalm xiv. 1. There is no God. Even the fool dare fcarce fay it out. 2. Sometimes I prevented them as it were, and not only refused an hearing, but reprefenting in my own foul how deep refentment fuch a provocation, fuch a motion deferved. If any man will plead against God, or for Baal, none fhall intreat for him, but he fhould early be put to death. Judg. vi. 31. 3. When the impudent enemy would not thus be put off, I effay'd to maintain the truth, and anfwer his ar guments. But his inftances were so many, and fo fubtile, that I could not prevail this way, but the longer I ftood arguing the cafe, I was put to the greater lofs. Rev. xii, 9. When he came in fpeaking terms, he is too hard for us, and no wonder he be fo for us: He worfted our first parents in innocence. 4. When I found this, then I oft would wish for a discovery of God himfelf. O that he would appear, and 0 that I knew where I might find him, Job xxiii. 2. when my wishes took no effect. 5. The devil hereon took advantage to tell me, That he did not appear, and that furely, if there was a God, he would help one that was ftanding up for him in fuch a ftrait. Pfalm xxii. 8. In this cafe, I fometimes hop'd that he would arife, and then mine enemies would be made to flee before him. Though the truth is, I could but give little reafon for it. 6. Sometimes I prayed. Satan urged me