without heart condemning, I. That I was concern'd to know the truth. 2. That I durft not vent my own conceits. 3. Nor did I keep back what might be profitable. 4. I preached what I refolved to venture my own foul on. And that, 5. I defired to preach home. to confciences.

CHA P. V.

Of bis marriage and conduct in his family.

Mr Halyburton had begun this head in the following Words.

THis

'His being alfo a confiderable change in my lot, and God's providence being to be remarked, as in other things fo in this, whereabout he is partiCularly concern'd, a good wife being from the Lord, who fets the follitary in families,' I fhall notice fome things here.

1. At the fame time the Lord did convince me, that it was not meet I fhould be alone; he alfo clearly convinced me,' that a prudent wife is from the Lord;' and herefor I looked and cried to, and waited on the Lord for direction, with that eminent fredom, affiftance, and preparation of heart, as gave me fome ground to hope, that he would incline his ear to hear.

2. My great difficulty was to the way whereby I might know his mind as to the perfon whom I was to chufe and fix upon. The command, be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers, in the ftricteft fenfe, was powerfully imprefs'd upon my foul, in so much, that no prospect of outward advantages whatfomever could have fwayed me to make choice of one whom I thought void of the fear of God. But whether in my choice to proceed upon the information and teftimony of godly perfons, and concurring providences juftifying their teftimony,and clearing the way;

or whether perfonal and particular acquaintance were not previously neceffary, was my ftrait.

3. I inclin'd to think this last neceffary, which did, whatever pretences it was fupported withal, proceed from too much of a dependance on my own underftanding, and that join'd with a distrust of the providence of God; which was the begining of my miftake.

4. The narrowness of my acquaintance, which was confined to a very few of that fex,increafed my ftrait, and had a confiderable influence into the wrong choice Imade. The perfon I pitched on wanted not feveral things which I did diflike; yet fhe appearing to be more suitable than any of whom I had acquaintance particularly; and falling at that time under fome unufual concern about religion, which he did impart to me, it looked like a providential clearing of the way, and ground to hope the removal of what I difliked in her walk; upon which I did too haftily pro. ceed in the propofal.

5. I durft never abfolutely pray for fuecefs, but had great freedom and liberty in pleading that the Lord would direct; and that if it were not for my fpiritual advantage, it might be effectually crushed, and that my way might be hedged in.

Mean while, this gentlewoman carried on an Intrigue with another, to whom she was clandeftinely married, and thereby, in the good providence of God, Mr Halyburton was fairly difengaged. And being thus happily disappointed in this, he fought direction to God in reference to a defign of marriage with another And alfo fet apart fome time exprefly to this purpose. An account whereof follows, as it was found written by himself.

December 13, 1700. This forenoon I fet 2part for prayer; and being to addrefs God in reference to my propofal of marriage with 7. W. I did judge is fuitable that I fhould begin the work with fome in

quiry into my own ftate, knowing that one unacquain ted with Chrift has no reason to expect an acceptance in prayer. Therefor, after fome ferious application to God in prayer for the affiftance of his fpirit, to make a true discovery of the state of my foul, I found it as follows.

UNder

With Refpect to God.

TNder a full conviction, that, life is in his favour, Pfalm. xxx. 5. nay his loving kind, ness is better than life, Pfalm Ixiii. 3.

2. The like conviction I was under, that any in tereft in this favour, admittance to, or acceptance with this God, is utterly impossible, without respect had to a mediator. God being one that will by no means clear the guilty, I being guilty; God being holy, I unholy; God a confuming fire, and I one, in respect of fin, meet to be devoured: I cannot fee God without a mediator, and live.

3. That God out of meer love, without regard to any thing in finners, has been pleas'd to choose, fur nifh, and fend into the world the Lord Jefus Chrift, as the mediator, thro' whom finners might be accept ed of him.

With Refpect to Chrift.

Notwithstanding the frequent and lamentable

prevalency of fin against light, against refolutions, vows, engagements, ftrivings, and prayers; yet I must say, that no alteration of my condition has ever been able to fhake from under a conviction of the following particulars, fince the Lord firft convipced.

1. That the Lord Jefus Chrift is fuch a faviour, as became the grace, mercy, love, wifdom, holiness, righteousness, juftice and power of God to provide

and

and on the other hand, fuch a faviour, as became Ginners needs, their defires, and therefor deferves their acceptance, as fit, fuitable, fufficient' to fave all that come to God through him,' and that even to the uttermoft,' his blood being able to cleanfe from all fin,' and the fpirit fufficient to lead unto all truth.* God knows what heart refreshing sweetness I found in a view of the glory of God's wisdom, holiness, powetc in the face of Jefus Christ.

2. That I do need him in all his offices; No time, either when things did go ill or better as to my fenfe, durft I, for my foul, think of parting his offices; God knows that my heart was as much reconcil'd to his kingly as to his priestly office; and that it would for ever damp and fink me, were it not that he has a power, whereby he can captivate every thought to the obedience of himself? His reign, God knows, 1 defire.

3. I dare appeal to the fearcher of hearts, that 'tis my defire above all things to be found in Phil. iii. him, &c. and never doth fin reduce me to that pafs; that I dare admitt a thought of

9. 10.

the infufficiency of this way of falvation to fave me, or of having recourse to any other, or of abandoning this; but the more that fin prevails, the more I fee the excellency, fufficiency, fuitablenefs, and indifpenfible neceffity of this way of falvation, and of my adherence to it, rejecting all others.

4. All my hope as to freedom from that darkness, which is my burden, is from Chrift's prophetical office; and my hope of freedom from the guilt, pollution and power of fin, and acceptation with God, arifes from his priestly and kingly offices. In one word, I have no hopes of any mercy in time or eternity, but only through him; 'tis through him I expect all, from the leaft drop of water, to the immenfe riches of glory.

As

As to the Law.

Notwithstanding my frequent breaches of it, I

dare take to witness, That

1. I count all his commandments, concerning all things to be right.

2. That I defire inward, univerfal conformity to them all without referve, and that in their fpiritual meaning and extent, as reaching all thoughts, words and actions, and even the most minute circumstances of these.

73. That I would not defire any alteration in any of his laws, but on the contrary, do fee the greatest excellency in thofe of them, which cross my inclinations moft; which,

4. Occafions at all times, when not under the immediate violent influence and hurry of fome impetuous temptation, an habitual and strong defire of conformity to God's law; my heart ever breathing with the pfalmift, 'O! that my ways were directed to keep thy ftatutes.'

5. Since the commencement of this affair, parti cularly I have seen a peculiar beauty in the law, as exemplified in the life of our Lord, who fulfill'd all righteousness,' doing always the things that pleased the father, and more particularly in his abfolute and illimitted fubmiffions to the divine will, even in those things which did cross the natural inclination of his innocent nature. And tho' at sometimes I could scarce reach this fubmiffion, in reference to this affair; Yet, 1. I would be made fubmiffive. 2. I look upon it as exceedingly amiable. 3. I defire it, and condemn my felf, in as far as I come fhort of it.

6. God knows, I defire to hate every evil way,' and would be free from every fin.

As to my frame and fuccefs, I can fay, I thought it iffued in calmnefe and compofure; and as to this