Part II. My disturbance was from reafonings, and I thought to relieve myself by my own reafonings. Nothing more did I foolishly think, can be requifite to eftablish my mind about this truth, and for ever to quiet my mind in a firm aflent to it, than to obtain demonftrative arguments for the being of a God: Thus I thought by searching to find out God. Job xi 7: And like the Pfalmift, when fhaken about the providence of God, Palm Ixxiii. 16. I thought to know it. That is by my own reafonings, I expected to obtain establishment in the truth, and an anfwer to the objections urged against it.

14. Wherefor I feriously fet myfelf to the fearch of fuch arguments; and I found them; but found not that relief I expected: Pfalm lxxiii. 16. When I thought to know this, it was too painful for me. For, 1. The moft ftraitning and forcible of thofe arguments proceeding upon the abfurdity of the contrary conclufion with great evidence, would not allow of any thing to be faid to the argument, and fo extorted an affent: But not enlightning the mind with any fatisfying notions and difcoveries of the God, whom they obliged me to own as exiftent, my mind was not quieted. For in things of any practical influence, without fome competent meafure of light about the nature of things, the foul requiring fatisfaction, not only as to their reality, but their meetnefs to answer thofe practical ufes whereabout 'tis concerned, cannot reft without fome discoveries of this: John xiv. 5. Thomas Jaid unto him, Lord, we know not whether thou goeft; and how can we know the way? 2. Thefe arguments forced indeed fome affent in the time: But not diffolving contrary objections, whenever the light of them was removed, and contrary objections came in view again, I was intirely fhaken, like him in Cicero, who read Plato's arguments for the immortality of the foul, and faid, When I read, I affent, but I cannot tell how; but fo foon

as I lay down the book, all this affent is gone. It is faith alone that, as the word is, Heb. xi. 1. reproves contrary arguings, and plants in the foul an abiding light, that keeps the foul firm in its adherence to truth. Thus like the Philofophers of old; 1 Cor. i. 21. In the wisdom of God, by wifdom I knew not God.

15. Though I was thus entangled, rather than extricate by these selfish shifts, yet my vain mind still followed thefe courfes. For, 1. What hitherto I had failed of, I expected I might find by fome further progrefs in learning; and therefor I applied myself vigorously that way. But any little progrefs I made, made me still more fenfible how far I was disappointed, and made me experience the truth of this, that he that increaleth knowlege, increafeth forrow. Eccl. i. 18. The further I proceeded I ftill found the more difficulties, and the lefs fatisfaction. When this courfe could not avail, then I spent my weary hours in vain wishes for fome extraordinary difcoveries : Luke xvi. 30. Nay, but if one rife from the dead, they will believe.

16. Tho' I reached not the fatisfaction I aimed at, yet I cannot fay but this exercise had fome useful effects. 1. It let me fee, That I had need of fome further evidence and establishment about the truths of religion, than hitherto I had either attained, or wist how to attain. Thus I had got fome view of it before. Now I was more confirmed of it. 2. My mind being fometimes more quieted as to thefe truths in hearing of the word, than by all my arguments, I was inclined to hope this evidence I wanted, might come from the Lord. 3. I was beat fomewhat from that touring opinion of my own knowlege and abilities to know, that my firft feeming fuccefs in Philofophy gave me, and brought to an useful diffidence of my inability to reach fatisfaction, even about natural things, and folve objections, that lay against truths, which yet u

pon clear argument, I was forced to admit: Which afterwards was of confiderable ufe to me.

17. But during this period of time under all these wrestlings and strugglings betwixt growing light and fin, corruptions,as I grew in years, grew ftronger and ftronger, took deeper root, and received an increase of ftrength by occafional temptations, and new force from the weak resistance made to them by these vain courfes. Rom. vii. 8, 9, 11. As the law came nearer in its fpiritual meaning and extent, fin revived, and appeared more difcernible in its strength, and fin taking occafion by the commandment wrought in me inclinations to all evil. Being fretted, not fubdued, it grew stronger, till at length it flew me.

18. Under this perplexity, I betook myself still to one or other of the fore mentioned vain courses: Jer, ii. 36. I gadded about to change my way, fent to Egypt, and went to Affyria, yet could not they help me. But yet these exercises and perplexities had fome intermiffions, and then I turned remifs and careless. Hoj. vi. 4. My goodness like the morning cloud and early dew, foon paffed away.

19. However, by these means I was brought to a fpecious like form of religion. For now, 1, I took fome care to avoid those fins, whether fecret or open, that thwarted the light of my confcience moft plainly. I not only abftained from thofe evils, to which, moft, even of the fobérer fort of students, were fre quently drawn over; but with a fort of refolution I kept at a distance from the occafions of them. Thus I begun 2 Pet. ii. 20. to escape the pollutions of the world through the knowlege of the truth. 2. I was more exact and punctual in attending duties, publick, private and fecret, than heretofor. and that not without fome concern, at leaft, at fometimes as to my inward frame in them. Thus I thought, I kept his ordinances. Mal. iii. 14, 3. When I was enfnared, either into the commiffion of fin, or omiffion of

duty

duty, I was brought to a deep forrow: And for fome time walked mournfully before God. Ibid. 4. Whereas I always had a fort of awful regard for them that feared God, fince ever I began to be in the leaft awákned, now I begun to have a fort of a liking and kindnefs to them, and pleafure in their company and con-verse, even about matters of religion. This light forced an approbation of them on my mind, and fo to give glory to God, there light fo fhining before me, .Matth v. 16. that I could not but take notice of them. 5. I had frequent Taftes of the word of God, and powers of the world to come, Heb. vi. 5. which made me delight in approaching to God. And, 6. ^ I got fome things that looked like return of prayer; when under a fenfe of impotency, I betcok myself to God by prayer: In any ftrait I found help fo remarkable, That I could not but take notice of it. The Lord hereby drew me gradually in to expect good in his way, and though I was wrong in the main, as it were, encouraged the fainteft beginnings of a look toward a return. 1 Kings xxi. 29. 'And the word of the Lord came to Elijah the Tifhbite, faying, Seest thou how Ahab humbled himself before me: Because he humbled himfelt before me, I will not < bring the evil in his days; But in his Son's days 'I will bring the evil upon his house.'

20. Now, though by thefe means, I got a name to live, yet really I was dead. For, 1. The natural darkness ftill remained uncured. Some dawnings of light were indeed begun, and fome difcoveries made of what formerly I had not known, yet the power of darkness still remained, and the vail was not yet taken away, nor were fpiritual things seen in a true light' 2 Cor. iii. 14,15. Eph, iv. 18. 2 The enmity of my mind against the law,* especially in fome inftances, remaind in force, there was not a respect to all God's D. 3

* Compare Rom. vii. 8. with Rom, vii. 12, 22.

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Part II. commands. Pfalm cxix. 6. I had not yet a fight of the beauty of holinefs. Nor did I in my heart approve of the whole yoke of Chrift's precepts as good and defireable. It was not that I delighted in holinefs and comformity to the law, at least in some inftances; but that I was undone without it, that made me aim at any fort of compliance. 3. I yet fought righteousness as it were by the works of the law. Rom. ix. 32. I was wholly legal in all I did, not seeing the néceffity, the fecurity, the glory of the gofpel method of falvation, by feeking righteoufnefs and ftrength in the Lord Chrift alone. Rom. x. 4. Palm Ixxi. 16. 4 Self was the fpring of all: My only aim was to be faved without any regard had to the glory of the Lord, or any enquiry made, how it might be confiftant with it to fave one who had fo deeply offended. In a word, all my religion was conftrained, violent, felfish, legal and anti-evangelical. Thefe, not to mention other things, were till wrong.

Reflections upon the foregoing exercile.

T will not be improper to review the preceeding exercile, and offer two or three obfervations. 1. The foregoing exercife affords me full confirmation of many of the truths contested by the Pelagians and others, concerning man's inability to good, and the corruption of his nature. When I read and hear their high fwelling words of vanity in commendation of man, and in praife of his free will to God, his good inclinations; and when I hear fpecious-like arguments offered for proof of thefe notions, I have no reafon to be fhaken. Will they difpute me out of my fenfes? May I not believe the word? Or must I wrest and diftort fcriptures to make places that appear unfavourable to free-will, accord with these notions of it,which fome advance? Sure I am, if they will not al

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