4. I fet apart time for fafting and prayer in fecret, and November 23, 1697, On a time fet apart for prayer I drew up a fhort account of my treacherous dealing with God from my youth up, and folemnly bound myself to God, to walk in his ways; and when my own heart told me, That I could not ferve the Lord, I faid, Nay but I will ferve the Lord, Joshua. xxiv.

21.

20. But all these proved physicians of no value. For I found, 1. That they were not able to keep me Jonger, than till a temptation came in my way from fin. Whenever this appear'd, corruption, that had been fo far from being really weakned by all those inventions, that it really grew in ftrength,broke down all that I had fet in its way. Jer. ii. 20. Of old time I have broken my yoke, and burst my bands, and thou faidt, I will not tranfgrefs: When upon every green tree thou wandereft playing the harlot. 2. I found these vain ways I took to fmother convictions, were not able to procure me peace, but really increased my inward difquietment, and wafted my fpirit: Pfalm xxxii: 3. When I kept filence (that is when I finfully endeavoured to fupprefs my guilt and trouble) my bones waxed old through my roaring all day long. 3, The Lord in mercy gave me no reft in any of these inventions, but fuffered me to weary myself in feeking my lovers, that I might at length betake myself to him. For fo long as I followed these ways, Day and night his hand lay heavy upon me: My moisture was turned into the drought of fummer. Pfalm xxxii 4.

21. Though hitherto I fail'd of a right iffue, yet I was carried a great length in complaiance with convictions. I kept myfelf from open pollutions, I was careful in duties of worship, yea further, I was much in fecret, I receiv'd the word with joy, I was oft challenged for fecret pride, unbelief and other heart spiritual evils, and as to the knowlege of them, was confiderably enlightened. I fafted, prayed, mourned

in fecret. I refolved and ftrove against fin, even my peculiar fins that I loved beft. Thus I had with others Rev iii. 1. a name to live, and took up a form of religion 2 Tim iii. 5.

22. Yet for all this, I was a ftranger to its power, which the following evidences fufficiently manifeft: for whatever lengths I went, yet, 1ft, I was a stranger to the glorious and bleffed relief, through the imputation of the righteoufnefs of Chrift: Not that I had not fome notions of this; for I professed to embrace it. But really I was in the dark, as to its glorious ef‐ ficacy, tendency and defign. I was ignorant of the righteou/nels of God, all the while, Rom. x. 3. 2dly, Still in all this the eye was not fingle Matth. vi. 22. It was only the faving of myfelf, without any eye to the Lord's glory I defigned. Rom ix. 31. 3dly, It was ftill by fome righteouliefs of my own, in whole or part that I fought relief. No wonder peace was unstable, that flood upon fo weak a foundation. 4thty, Though I was by the force of convictions, brought to part with my beloved fins, or confent to their deftruction; yet it was neither without reluctancy, or without fome fecret reserve. It was like Pharaoh's confent in the like cafe when his fervants perfuaded him of the danger of his persisting in his fin, Exod. x. 3. Moses. and Aaron were brought back again to Pharaoh: And he faid unto them, go ferve the Lord your God: But who are they that shall eo? sthly, My heart was utterly averfe from fpirituality, fometimes through the force of convictions. I was indeed brought for fome time to aim at getting my mind fix'd upon heavenly things, and kept on the thoughts of them: But my heart being yet carnal, I wearied: of this bent, and of this forcible religion. And it was intolerable to think of being always fpiritual: Rom. viii. 7. The carnal mind is enmity againft God, is not fubject to the law of God, nor can it indeed be.'

23. By these means I was at last brought to an extremity; For, 1ft, My fins were fet in order before me. Palm 1. 21. Innumerable evils compaffed me about, mine iniquities have taken hold upon me, fo thut I am not able to look up, They are moe than the hairs upon my head, therefor my heart faileth me. Palm xl. 12. 2dly, They were fet in order in the dreadfulness of their nature and aggravations, and all fhifts, extenuations, pleas and defences were rejected, and my mouth stopped before God. Rom. iii. 19. 3dly, All the vain ways I had taken for my relief baffled my expectation, and increased my pain, they were the ftaff of a broken reed, Ifa. xxxvi. 6 they pierced my arm, when I effayed to lean on them and I was afhamed, and even confounded, that I had hop'd. Job vi. 20. 4thly, The wrath of God was dropp'd into my foul, and the poifon of his arrows drunk up my fpirits. Job vi. 4. 5thly, I was as yet unfanctified, as to the truths of religion, and mine enemies oft told me, that even in God there was no fuccour for me, Pfalm iii. 2. Yea, 6thly, At fometimes Satan to intangle me more, affaulted all the truths of religion at once, and then I was dreadfully confounded, when the Lord commanded that mine enemies fhould be round about me. And they compassed me about like bees. Pfalm cxviii. 11, 12. 7thly, All ways I took to bear down my corruptions, prov'd of no avail; For fin reviv'd and I died, yes taking occafion by the commandment, it flew me. Rom. vii. 9, 11.

24. By the extremity of this anguish I was for fometime about the clofs of 1697, and beginning of 1698, dreadfully caft down. I was weary of my life. Oft did I ufe Job's words, I loath it, I would not live alway. Job vii. 16. And yet I was afraid to dy: I had no reft, my fore run in the night, and it ceafed not in the day. Pfalm lxxvii 2. At night I wished for day: And in the day I wish'd for night, Deut. xxviii. 66, 67, I faid, My couch shall comfort me.

Job

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Job vii. 13. But then darkness was as the shadow of death. Job x. 21. When I was in this cafe, I was oft brought to the brink of defpair. He filled me with bitterness, he made me drunk with wormwood. Lam. iii. 10, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. He broke all my teeth with gravel-ftones; he covered me with afhes. He removed my foul far from peace: I forgat profperity. And I faid, My ftrength and my hope is perifhed from the Lord; remembring mine affiction, and my mifery, the wormwood and the Gall. My foul had them still in remembrance, and was bowed in me.' Now I was made to think it a wonder, that I was not confumed, and though I dreaded deftruction from the Almighty, yet I could not but juftifie him, if he had deftroyed me; righteous is the Lord, for I have rebelled. Lam. i. 18: I was made to fear that the Lord would make me a Magormahib, a terror to myself, Jer. xx. 4. and all round about: And that he would make some dreadful dif covery of my wickedness, that would make me a reproach to religion, and give the enemies advantage, which put me upon the Pfalmift's prayer, Pfalm xxxix. 8. Deliver me from all my tranfgreffions, make me not the reproach of the foolish. I was made to wonder, that I was not already cut off. And indeed this was fometime reviving, Lam. iii. 20, 2г. It is of the Lord's mercies, that we are not confumed, because his compaffions fail not. This I recal " to my mind, therefor have I hope.' But this hope was eafily clouded. It amounted to no more than this, Who can tell but he may be gracious. 2 Sam. xii. 22. And to this my fearful heart fuggefted the greatnefs of my fins, as what were above the reach of pardoning mercy. And Satan daily urg'd me to give over, and take fome defperate courfe, to fay, There is no hope. Ifa. Ivii. 10. Thus I walk'd about, dejected, weary and heavy laden, weary of my difeafe, and weary of the vain courfes I had taken for relief, and

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uncertain what to do, what courfe to take. Pfalm xiii. 2. I took counfel in my foul, having forrow in my 'heart daily.'

CHA P. II.

Containing an account of the outgate I got about the clofe of January 1698, and the fate of matters thereon.

1. F this extremity had lasted much longer, my Soul had funk under the weight of ly and e ven that while I was in this cafe, had ruin'd me, if the Lord had not fecretly fupported in time of the greatest extremity, and as it were held me by the hand, even while I carried moft wickedly. Pfalm Ixxiii. 22, 23..' So foolish was I and ignorant: I was as a beaft before thee. Nevertheless,- thou haft holden me by my right hand.' And at this extremity, the Lord stepp'd in, when I had deftroy'd my felf, he let me fee help in him. Hof. xiii. 9. He found me lying wallowing in my blood, in a helpless and hopeless condition. I had none that would, or could fave me. I was forfaken of all my lovers. I was caught in the thicket. I was quite overcome, neither was I in cafe to fight, nor flee. And then the Lord paffed by me, caft his skirt over me, and made this time, a time of love. Ezek. xvi. 8. And Abraham call'd the name of that place, Jehovah-jireh: As it is faid, To this day, in the mount of the Lord it shall be feen. Gen. xxii. 14.

2. I cannot be very positive about the day, or hour of this deliverance, nor can I fatisfy many other queftions about the way and manner of it. But this is of no confequence, if the work is in fubftance found: John iii. 8. For the wind bloweth where it lifteth, ' and thou hearest the found thereof, but canft not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: So is every one that is born of the spirit.' Many things

about