places of residence, and I think such situations poverty that I could form no settled judgment unfavourable to the right growth; though if all respecting any thing, save that at some seasons, were careful to dwell near the life in themselves, the evidence of having passed from death unto no doubt the animating virtue would diffuse in life, by the feeling of near unity with the bretheir assemblies-instead of which, in many thren, conscled me. places it seems so oppressed that there is scarcely liberty to labour for its arising; it feels as though the hardness in many minds would stone those who are sent unto them. "During this probation, though apparently I was near the closing scene, there were moments when the love of the gospel so prevailed, that a willingness, and even desire to live was felt, "Several Friends kindly asked me home with so that I might by any means be thought worthy them after meeting, but I felt an inclination to to suffer or do any thing for the promotion of go to a family who did not urge it, that of a truth, and the good of others. These impres widow Friend, so went on with them to dinner. sions were accompanied with a belief, that if I After tea we got into stillness, which proved a were raised up again, it would be for this pur season of profit to my mind-much instruction pose; and my heart was called, at a period was afforded therein, and I thought not only for when those about me expected my dissolution, my own advantage, but that something flowed to such a deep attention to the discoveries of to the younger part of the company, of which light, that, as in a vision, though perfectly number there were I think nine or ten; some awake and sensible, I was carried to some disof these felt to me evidently under the cultiva- tant parts, even to a people of a strange lanting hand, and such as would become fruitful guage; where gospel liberty was felt in a reboughs, and their branches run over the wall, markable manner: then the vision was again if they, like Joseph, abode by the well, whose sealed, being for an appointed time, nor did I waters nourish and make green. Some caution ever fully understand it, though from that period was administered not to get out of the valley, a solemn covering spread over my mind, till my where the dew lies long, but to abide in humi- ever dear and valuable sister S. R. Grubb laid lity and holy fear, that so sound and acceptable before our monthly meeting her concern to visit fruit might be brought forth. This family mani- some parts of France and Germany. fests that much religious care has been exercised nearness of spirit I had with her, in her watchin their education, they are plain, exemplary, ful attendance on me during the first of my and solid-a fine sight in this degenerate day. illness, was surprising; and often, when no "After this visit I saw no way further, and, words passed, we mingled our sighs and tears, though the feeling of love was strong to other though she never gave me any hint of the ex quarters, I was most satisfied to return home, ercise she was under, nor had I then any per believing the suspension for a while, might ception of being under preparation for any ser work increasing liberty at some other period if vice in conjunction with her. the weight continued; so on Second-day the 16th I set off for Clonmel, and was favoured to find my dear husband and children in health; for which blessing, with that of merciful preservation through this journey, I desire humble gratitude may fill my heart to Him, who is indeed the Alpha and Omega of all that is good." CHAPTER IV. Journey to some parts of Holland, Germany and France-in company with Sarah Robert Grubb -1788. THE next religious engagement upon which my dear mother entered, was one of an extensive and deeply important nature: the prospect of this, and her preparation for entering upon the service, will be best described in her own words. Alluding to the year 1787, she says: "About the fall of that year I was seized with an alarming illness, out of which few expected I should recover, nor did I my. self when judging from bodily feelings. As to my mind, it was kept in such a state of deep The "After she had obtained her certificates, we united in a little visit to a branch of our month. ly meeting; and on returning I wished to hasten her departure, but found she felt no liberty to proceed, and said all concern was taken from her; but so closely queried of me respecting my feelings, that without saying much I wept, and thereby discovered what I was struggling against, or at least wished to conceal, believing it was impossible I ever could be resigned to such a movement. "From this time, the weight grew almost insupportable, so that sleep, appetite and strength, nearly departed from me, and my dear husband queried-after watching unperceived by mewhat can this be? He once mentioned France, but I requested him no more to do it, being af fected to trembling, and I believe I could as readily have given up my natural life as made this surrender. Oh! great indeed was the strug. gle, until at length the precious grain of allconquering faith proved victorious, and believ ing Him faithful who had promised, I ventured to move in this awful matter, and when the needful steps had been taken, left all and en deavoured resignedly to follow my Great Mas ter. She had seven children at this time, the youngest only ten weeks old, and her health was very delicate, so that the sacrifice was indeed great, but the merciful extension of proportionate assistance is thus acknowledged by herself: "In the course of the embassy, many and sore were my provings, and of a closely trying nature my conflicts, but the arm of all sustaining help was near, and I feel thankful that this cup hath been drunk; for though mingled with deep and exercising sufferings, it has, I trust, tended to the further reduction of the creaturely will and choosing, and brought measurably into willingness to submit to the humiliating leadings of the holy hand." The following is extracted from her own account of this journey. Second month 27th, 1788. "The kindness of dear J. and M. E. is mixed with a feeling of friendly sympathy better felt than described, and I have not been without some apprehension that J. E. feels deeper on the occasion than mere unity with the concern of others; but he is reserved and cautious; and if it so prove, it will, to be sure, be pleasant. First-day the 9th, was a day of peace and liberty to me, though one wherein there was rather a descending to the deeps than ascending to the heights. The morning meeting at Gracechurch street was large, gay, and oppressive, but it is a favour to be allowed to visit the seed in prison, and a great one to feel a willingness so to do. My beloved S. G. was afresh anointed in both meetings, and I thought my small vessel contained a little more than what was properly my own; and, we read, the debt was first to be paid, before the residue of the oil was set apart to live on. The day closed comfortably in a little season of retirement at Richard Chester's. "Second-day the 10th, attended the morning meeting, and produced our certificates. Friends seemed disposed to enter thoroughly into the matter; near sympathy and unity were expressed, and a committee was appointed to draw up certificates for us, and one for G. D., who laid his concern before them. We had a conference this day with Adey Bellamy respecting our proposed journey. "I parted with my beloved husband, and many dear friends, in Waterford, and in company with R. and S. Grubb, went on board a vessel bound for Minehead, setting sail with a tolerably fair wind, but after being out all day, and getting several leagues out to sea, the wind changed, and the captain found it best to put back into harbor. Being very sick we concluded to go on shore about noon, landed at Passage, and spent a comfortable night at Brooklodge; embarked about ten next morning, were "Third-day, 11th, sat a quiet solid meeting favoured with a safe, though rather rough pas- at the Peel, held in silence, wherein a little resage, to our destined port, and met a kind re-newal of faith was afforded, and cause for conception at our friend Hannah Davis's, where, fidence in holy help. Last night confirmed me after the inconvenience of sea-sickness, we were consoled by friendly attention. "We left Minehead on third-day, and arrived in London on fifth; I was affectionately received by my dear friends J. and M. Eliot, and retired to rest, under, I hope, a thankful sense of many unmerited mercies, with the additional one of hearing from my family that all were in a feeling sense of my short-sightedness. The southern parts of France being all along the first object in my view, the way to get there the soonest, appeared desirable, and the passage from Dover to Calais that which effected this desire most speedily; but our beloved com.. panion G. D. feeling the passage to Holland most clear to his mind, I felt mine greatly tried, wishing if I had but ever so small a bit of ground "Sixth-day, attended meeting at Grace to move on, it might be my own. I went to bed church street-a low time to my poor mind, thus exercised, and endeavoured to think only which seems oppressed, and as it were in prison. of Dover, but after a season of very close conSome prospect of moving forward opened this flict, and I think honest travail for right direc evening, in a conference with G. Dillwyn, who tion, a serene sky seemed over this prospect of seems bound to the awful service on the conti-G. D.'s, and every other passage to France well. It is pleasant to have the prospect of so utterly closed, so I simply communicated my strong a link to this chain. I am very low and feelings this evening to my companions, and poor, emphatically going forth weeping'-may thus far peace attends. the right seed be kept in dominion! Amidst "Our dear friend J. Eliot is, I believe, bound such qualified servants in this mission how little to the south, but has as yet made no movement do I feel myself! Yet hope I have not entered in his monthly meeting. Adey Bellamy has presumptuously on the list-the cause, I know, laid his prospect before Friends, and it is likely is in the best hands, and if my venturing brings will be liberated by the time J. E. is, if he disno dishonour to it, I hope to be thankful-fur- closes his feelings at his next monthly meeting. ther seems not now in my view. Our having come hither seems providential, as J. E. and A. B. understand the language well; and the hope of this seasonable assistance has tended to renew my faith, and patience, which I sometimes trust will hold out to the end. "Fourth-day, 12th. We attended Grace church street monthly meeting, that for worship was low to my feelings, the one for discipline long and flat, much business agitated, and many pertinent remarks made; but life seemed oppressed, and human, more than divine wisdom uppermost. Fifth-day, 13th. After being at meeting at Ratcliff, I accompanied G. D. and wife to Jacob Bell's, to dinner; a solemnity covered my mind afterwards, under which it felt pleasant to have a pause, for seeking the renewed influence of the pure principle of life and love, and the season was graciously owned. Spent the evening at another friend's, I thought profitably, in free conversation. "First-day, 16th. Went to Horselydown meeting in the morning-a low time: Gracechurch street in the afternoon, and at six in the evening a public meeting appointed by G. D., in which he was largely engaged, I again felt, in a painful manner, the consequence of withholding more than is meet, yet trust wilful diso bedience was not the cause, but a fear of not feeling sufficient authority:-seekest thou great things?' seems the query often put to my poor mind on such occasions, and though the injunc tion is added seek them not,' how slowly do I learn! "As no packets leave Harwich regularly, but on fourth and seventh days, our proceeding thither seemed not desirable till near the time; we therefore rested at our comfortable lodgings fifth-day, and on sixth went to Manningtree, where a meeting had been appointed for ten o'clock; the house is small, and few Friends reside here, but it was pretty well filled with a solid, quiet company, and was to me the best meeting since my leaving home, a time of enlargement in true love and productive of peace. After dining at a Friend's in the town, we went on to Harwich, and had a meeting there at six in the evening; the house, a new small one, was soon filled with fashionably dressed people, and a considerable number were in the yard; they seemed rather unsettled in time of silence, but quiet when any thing was offered: my be loved S. G. and G. D. were afresh anointed with gospel oil, and I was comforted in beholding good work well done. First-day. So ill that I could not get up till about noon; our company went to meeting, where, I think, only about seven attended, In the evening, a solemnity covered us, under which dear G. D. revived the query put to the disciples, when I sent you without purse or scrip lacked ye any thing? and they said, nothing;' again, they that have left all 'shall re "Second-day, 17th. Morning meeting, a time of favour through several instruments; our certificates were signed, I believe, by all present, and the meeting seemed to conclude under the uniting evidence of Christian fellowship; many dear friends expressing near sym-ceive an hundred fold now in this time, and in pathy with us, poor pilgrims, in our going forth, and G. D. closing with solemn supplication for the continuance of gracious protection. "Third-day, 18th. We turned our backs on the great city, and got to Colchester to dinner; met a kind reception at our friend John Kendal's, and had there in the evening, the company of Thomas Corbyn and Thomas Hull, who returned with J. K. from the service of visiting the meetings in that county. It was pleasant to us to see T. Corbyn before our embarkation, and he was kindly affectionate and sympathizing to us; dear Rebecca Jones also spent the night here in her return from Ipswich. Fourth-day, was their meeting in course, which we attended, not knowing but we might afterwards proceed to Harwich; but our G D. found a cloud remaining on his tabernacle, at which I wondered not, as I had before told him I did believe he would not get away without a meeting for the people: one was held that evening, and I think owned by gracious regard. the world to come eternal life.' This seemed so peculiarly applicable to my tried state, that while my soul was as though it refused comfort, I could not but taste a little renewal of hope. We just broke up when a summons to go on board was sent us. While in "There being but little wind, and that not quite fair, we had a tedious passage, but were favoured to experience holy protection, and landed about eight o'clock on fourth-day evening, at Helvoetsluys, where we got to a clean inn, kept by two English women. the boat going on shore, a sweet calm covered my mind, accompanied by the fresh application of that gracious promise, I will be to thee mouth and wisdom;' this, after the tossings I had been tried with for many days, tended to renew my confidence in divine sufficiency and goodness. "Fifth-day, 27th. Left Helvoet this morning in a carriage wagon, and travelled on a very deep road-often in danger of overturning to the Briel; here we crossed a ferry about a mile over, went again by land to another ferry, and thence to Maasslandsluys. In this place we seemed as gazing stocks to the people, many following us, though all behaved civilly, and had they understood our speech would probably have helped us. I felt what I think was the love of the gospel, my heart being so filled that I could have spoken to the people as I walked along the street, and while in the house where we stopped to get a little refreshment; but I felt what I was, and who I was with, and had not to courage to query whether we might not as well remain a while; therefore with the heaviest heart I ever remember feeling at leaving any place, we went on board a treckschuyt for Delft, whence we proceeded to Rotterdam, and there got to the house of an English woman that night. "I feel sensibly confirmed in the belief, that passing through Holland was the right way, for in coming through the towns to this place, there has been so much love prevalent, that it has felt to me as though we were not among strangers, though with a people of a strange speech; and that there were many who could be spoken to from something answering in their minds to what is felt by us, even without outward interpretation. A minister of the Calvinist church drank tea with us, this evening, and undertook to give notice of a meeting which is appointed for to-morrow. "Seventh-day, 29th. The meeting was held at ten o'clock; G. D. and S. G. were strengthened to recommend inward waiting for the revelation of divine power, but there seemed little openness among the few assembled; several ministers of the Calvinistic church attended, and we took tea with one of them-many others were present, and a good deal of religious conversation took place, wherein an explanation was entered into of our principles and testimonies; G. D. opening these clearly, and apparently to their satisfaction. I thought this was a season spent profitably, though as to my own feelings I am like one in prison; may I be helped to resign myself into His hands who has, I trust, sent me out on this journey; for while my conflicts seem rather to increase than lessen, and the exercise of my spirit almost weighs down the poor body, I do at times feel renewed confidence that I shall be preserved, and that those I have left will be taken care of. "First-day, 30th. A public meeting at four in the afternoon: it was very large, more coming than the house could hold; some liberty was felt by all of us in expressing what arose, but it was an exercising low time: a physician and his wife came to tea with us, and expressed satisfaction in our company, which we also felt in theirs, and parted from them in that love which throws down all distinctions of names in religion. 66 Second-day, 31st. After a solemn season with the only person we knew of here, who makes any profession with us, we set off in a treckschuyt, for Amsterdam, where we arrived the next evening, and met a kind reception, from John Vanderwerf. "Fourth-day, attended the monthly meeting of the few Friends here, and light seeming to shine upon visiting these, in their own houses, we entered upon the service, which was so owned by the prevalence of gospel liberty and love, that hard things were made comparatively. easy. S. G. and I had never before spoken through an interpreter, which office J. V. jun. filled agreeably, and our minds were bowed in thankfulness to the Lord, who manifests himself a present helper. "The situation of these few sheep, as it were in a wilderness country, calls for near sympathy, and it is a favour when not only this feeling is extended, but a willingness accompanies to let it run as it flows. It is about four years since they were first visited by G. D., S. Emlen, and J. Kendal; that life which is the crown of all profession is certainly low; the seed seems in a wintry state, scarcely shooting above ground, yet we have thought it is under the care of Him who can nourish and bring it forth, if it be only allowed to lie under His cultivating hand, and not exposed too much to the chilling breath that surrounds. There are also some hidden, seeking minds in these parts— perhaps mixed with the various names to religion, and others who we find do not join with any denomination, but keep quietly among themselves, exemplary in their conduct, doing good, and communicating of their outward blessings; plain in their appearance and manner; one of these, after sitting in an opportunity where evident solemnity covered us, observed, that though we could not understand each other, there was a feeling and unity within.' "First-day, 6th of Fourth month. We had two public meetings, one at half-past nine, the other at four. G. D. and S. G. were favoured to minister with gospel love and authority, I had fresh cause for confusion, and the acknowledgment that to me belongeth shame; pain still attends the remembrance of my want of dedication in these meetings. 66 Second-day morning. We had a little sitting among ourselves, desiring to feel our way from, or detention in this city, rightly ordered; we were afresh helped to believe, that, as the eye was kept single, He who had led forth would continue to preserve us. We went to tea with a family named Decknatel-a widow, her son, and two daughters; these were us to see, we also drank tea with him, and found him an inward retired man, living pretty much alone, and not knowing that he has any companions in this large place, where superstition seems to reign. We had a season of solid retirement after tea, and some profitable conversation through R. G. in French. educated in the Anabaptist profession, her husband having been a preacher among this sect, but since his death they have not joined in communion with any particular people, but keep themselves select, except going sometimes to the Moravian worship. A sweet influence prevailed in the house, and a good deal of religious conversation occurred-J. Vanderwerf being "15th. Went off the direct course about with us to interpret. They believe in the suf- eighteen miles to Elberfeld, expecting to find ficiency of the spirit of Truth to lead into all some seeking people. We were directed to a truth, though they seem not fully to have en-person named Smith, with whom we spent a tered into that rest where there is a ceasing from little time; he speaks English and was civil, our own works, as they sing hymns sometimes, but seemed fearful of engaging to be our interand have an instrument of music in their house. They were very desirous of understanding us, and our errand-it seemed strange to them for me to leave a husband and seven children, but feeling liberty to enter a little into the cause, and some particulars of my convincement, &c. as the remembrance arose with renewed thankfulness, they appeared not only fully satisfied, but to comprehend the language. This conversation introduced to a solemn silence, in which they readily joined, and we had each to unite in the testimony that the salutation of 'peace unto it' belonged to this house: this memorable season closed in awful supplication, and we parted under a feeling of that pure love which throws down the narrow barriers of nominal distinction, and baptizes into the unity of the one Spirit. "9th. At four o'clock this afternoon we had another public meeting, which was well attended as to numbers, but the people were unsettled in time of silence; the doctrine of Truth ran clearly, and a hope was raised that some felt a testimony to it in their own minds. preter: he informed us there were some mystics in the town, who met together on first-days, but we found no way to get into their company. In the morning we walked out, G. D. and I one way, and R. and S. G. another, but though we called in at some houses, no way opened for a meeting, we therefore returned to Dusseldorf to tea. M. D. W. spent the evening with us, and we had a season of spiritual refreshment in the feeling of Christian liberty and love, under which we parted. "17th. Left Dusseldorf about half-past six, and got to Cologne to dinner-a dark place of popish superstition, crosses and images appearing almost every where in and about it: we all felt oppressed and glad to leave this place; reached Bonn, a smaller town, where similar idolatry prevailed: G. D., and R. G., walking out, saw the host, as it is called, carrying about, and the people kneeling to it. "18th. Rode through a beautiful valley of vineyards, and other plantations, bounded on one side with richly cultivated mountains, and on the other by the Rhine, on each side of which, "10th. Left Amsterdam with J. V. jun. and towns and villages thickly appeared, also some Frederick Mentz, in a carriage boat, the usual monasteries and ruins, altogether forming as way of travelling in this country; it is drawn diversified and lovely a scene as I ever rode along a canal by a horse, and consists of a through; but in this day's journey I found small cabin, calculated to hold seven or eight, nature unusually oppressed, so that it was hard and a larger room which will contain about to bear the motion, and my illness increased so thirty people, with seats to accommodate all much, that when I saw a town on the other the passengers, and light sufficient to work by. side of the Rhine, not knowing it was our destiWe arrived at Utrecht between three and four nation, I thought it looked a desirable resting o'clock, felt exercised respecting a meeting place, and wished to get to it; when the driver here, but not living enough by faith, and look-turned the carriage that way, and it proved to ing too much outward, discouragement pre- be Nieuvied, a place to which we had recom vailed. mendations.* Here we got to a comfortable inn, like a private lodging, kept by Moravians, who received us cordially, and we took up our quarters with them. "11th. Set off from Utrecht in a post wagon, and travelled over deep roads, through a woody country thickly inhabited, though the land is poor, and we found but indifferent lodg ing and entertainment until we reached Dusseldorf, on the evening of the 13th, where we got to a good inn. "14th. Concluded to stay this day, to feel whether bound or dismissed from hence; in the forenoon called on Michael David Wetterboar, whom our friends Decknatel recommended |