The following was written by Southey on Queen Elizabeth's dining on board Sir Francis Drake's ship, on his return from circumnavigating the globe: Oh, Nature! to old England still Continue these mistakes; Give us for all our Kings such Queens, INVISIBLE. I cannot praise your parson's eyes; For when he prays he shuts his eyes, IMPERSONAL. Quoth Madam Bas Bleu, "I hear you have said, "Why, yes," said the wag, "Very likely I may But then, on my honor, I didn't mean you." AFFINITIES. "A lady, once, whose love was sold, Why wedding rings were made of gold: I ventured thus to instruct her: Love and lightning are the same; On earth they glance, from Heaven they came: And gold its best conductor." THE CRIER WHO COULD NOT CRY. I heard a judge his tipstaff call And say, "Sir, I desire You go forthwith and search the Hall, And send to me the crier." "And search, my Lord, in vain, I may❞— The tipstaff gravely said "The Crier cannot cry to-day, Because his wife is dead." THE PARSON AND BUTCHER. A parson and a butcher chanced, they say, THE CLOCK. A mechanic his labor will often discard, If the rate of his pay he dislikes ; But a clock-and its case is uncommonly hard- MASCULINE. "What pity 'tis," said John, the sage, "Expose!" cries Ned, who loves a jeer; "In sense you surely fail: What do the darlings have to fear When clad in coats-of-male?" IN RETURN FOR A LADY'S SKETCH OF THE APOLLO. If fair Apollo drew his bow As well as you have drawn it here, No wonder that he carries woe To many a maiden far and near. One difference, though, I understand, You keep your beaux upon the quiver. WIDOWS. As in India, one day, an Englishman sat With a smart native lass at the window, "Do your widows burn themselves? pray tell me that?' "Do they burn? ah, yes," the gentleman said, The following epigram by Samuel Rogers, on Lord Dudley's studied speeches in Parliament, was pronounced by Byron, in conversation with Lady Blessington, 66 one of the best in the English language, with the true Greek talent of expressing, by . implication, what is wished to be conveyed:"— Ward has no heart, they say, but I deny it: He has a heart, and gets his speeches by it. On the marriage of Dr. Webb with Miss Gould, a classical friend sent him the following: Tela fuit simplex statuens decus addere telæ, AFTER GOING TO LAW. This law, they say, great nature's chain connects, In me behold reversed great nature's laws,- SAME JAWBONE. Jack eating rotten cheese did say, A FUNNY DETERMINATION. "Good!" said old Hunx, with a comical smile; "But please, if you're late, don't come up the broad aisle!" MARRIAGE À LA MODE. "Tom, you should take a wife." "Nay, God forbid !" "Softly! perhaps she'll please you." "Oh, of course!" "Eighteen." "Alarming!" "Witty." "Nay, that's worse!" "Discreet." "All show!" "Handsome." "To lure the fellows!" 66 High-born." "Ay, haughty!" "Tender-hearted." "Jealous!" "Talents o'erflowing." "Ay, enough to sluice me!" And then, Tom, such a fortune!" "Introduce me!" QUID PRO quo. "Marriage, not mirage, Jane, here in your letter: With your education, you surely know better." Quickly spoke my young wife, while I sat in confusion, ""Tis quite correct, Thomas: they're each an illusion." WOMAN-CONTRA. When Adam, waking, first his lids unfolds Bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh, and knows WOMAN-PRO. Not she with traitorous kiss her Saviour stung, She, when apostles shrunk, could danger brave; ABUNDANCE OF FOOLS. The world of fools has such a store, Must bide at home, and bolt his door, And break his looking-glass.-LA MONNOYE. THE WORLD. "Tis an excellent world that we live in To lend, to spend, or to give in; But to borrow, or beg, or get a man's own, "Tis just the worst world that ever was known. TERMINER SANS OYER. "Call silence!" the judge to the officer cries; DOUBLE VISION UTILIZED. An incipient toper was checked t'other day, In his downward career, in a very strange way. The effect of indulgence, he found to his trouble, Was that after two bottles he came to see double; When with staggering steps to his home he betook him, He saw always two wives, sitting up to rebuke him. One wife in her wrath makes a pretty strong case; But a couple thus scolding, what courage could face? Impromptus. ONE day, as Dr. Young was walking in his garden at Welwyn in company with two ladies, (one of whom he afterwards married,) the servant came to acquaint him that a gentleman wished to speak with him. "Tell him," said the doctor, "I am too happily engaged to change my situation." The ladies insisted that he should go, as his visitor was a man of rank, his patron, and his friend. But, as persuasion had no effect, one took him by the right arm, the other by the left, and led him to the garden-gate; when, finding resistance in vain, he bowed, laid his hand upon his heart, and, in that expressive manner for which he was so remarkable, spoke the following lines:— Thus Adam looked when from the garden driven, And thus disputed orders sent from heaven. Like him I go, but yet to go I'm loath; Like him I go, for angels drove us both. Hard was his fate, but mine still more unkind : His Eve went with him, but mine stays behind. Ben Jonson having been invited to dine at the Falcon Tavern, where he was already deeply in debt, the landlord promised to wipe out the score if he would tell him what God, and the devil, and the world, and the landlord himself, would be best pleased with. To which the ready poet promptly replied :- God is best pleased when men forsake their sin; The devil is best pleased when they persist therein; The world's best pleased when thou dost sell good wine; And you're best pleased when I do pay for mine. A well-known instance of self-extrication from a dilemma is thus rendered in rhyme : When Queen Elizabeth desired That Melville would acknowledge fairly Or his own sovereign, Lady Mary? The puzzled knight his answer thus expressed:- |