Sidor som bilder
PDF
ePub

the author makes, Who were the perfons that brought the divine Sufferer into fo much diftrefs? "I was convinced," he faid, "that I was deeply concerned in that horrid tranfaction; and from this time I date, the Lord firft penetrated my dark mind, with the dawn of heavenly light and falva

tion."

After this, he was frequently in tears, under a sense of Jefus's love, and began earnestly to pray for the pardon of his fins. The firft text of Scripture that was impreffed on his mind was, "For unto us a child is born," &c. These words afforded him heavenly peace; his fears were all calmed, and his foul filled with animating hope. He immediately relinquished his finful companions, and carnal pleafures became infipid. He now fpent his time in reading, meditation, and prayer. So confcientious was he in the latter exercife, that if he happened to fleep too long in the morning, and was therefore obliged to go to the public office without performing his accustomed worship, he would afterwards either return to his chamber, or fhut himself among fhavings and chips, to bow his knee to God, and to beg his bleffing for the day.

Though his affections were fo tender, and his piety fo warm, yet his judgment was very weak and erroneous concerning fome of the doctrines of the Gofpel. In a dispute which he held with one of his friends, he endeavoured to. reconcile the feeming difference between St. Paul and St. James, by ftrenuously afferting, "That we were justified by faith, and fanctified by works:" But the reading of Luther on the Galatians deeply humbled him for his ignorance, and led him to pray earneftly to God for His profitable teaching. He foon affociated with a few pious perlons, who uled to meet on a Sunday afternoon to read and pray; and immediately began to tafte thofe facred pleafures which he afterwards more fully enjoyed in religious fociety. Befides this, a foundation was here laid for that eminent and extenfive usefulness, which, in his minifterial capacity, he afterwards fo remarkably attained to.

In thefe days, the Scriptures were very precious to him. He viewed them as fields of delight, and valued them as mines of treafure. His meditations were frequent and fweet, and he began to write down his thoughts on different paffages. In this practice he found great enlargement of heart, and warm affection to Chrift and heavenly things. He alfo began to keep a diary, that he might particularly reinark God's gracious dealings with him, which he con

tinued from July 1750 to March 1752. From this journal it appears, that in his converfion the Lord was pleafed to open his heart, as he did Lydia's, and first to blefs him with many gracious manifeftations of his love, before he thewed him the defperate wickednefs of his heart and the awful depravity of his nature. These, however, were afterwards thewn him, in fuch a convincing manner, that he almost fainted at the fight and defpaired of deliverance: Yet he was enabled to believe that God had certainly began a good work in him; and to conclude that he would carry it on and finish it, in his own time, and for his own glory.

In the year 1752, he was much importuned by the fmall Society, before spoken of, to pray among them; and foon afterwards was appointed to read a fermon, in public, on Sunday mornings and evenings, in a large room, which was appropriated to the worship of God. This, his humble entrance on public work, was attended with great inward conflict, arifing principally from his natural timidity, which was fo great, that he used to think he should never fo furmount it as to be able to perform any public exercife with freedom and propriety. Fearing that this weakness would greatly difconcert him, if not quite prevent his proceeding, he determined to begin with a form of prayer; which he actually made and used, from the prayers of the Established Church and other books of devotion. But, after some time, his trembling fits abating, he began to depend lefs on his forms; and at laft quite threw them afide.

The places in which divine worship had been carried on, having been found incommodious in their capacity, and precarious in their tenure, the Society determined to build à meeting; and in 1763 a houfe for God was erected and opened, which would conveniently hold three hundred perfons. In this place, when no fupply of Minifters could be obtained, Mr. S. continued to read and pray till 1766; and, though frequently importuned, it is probable he would not have proceeded any farther in the Ministerial work, but for the prefumptuous and violent oppofition which himself and the Society met with from a Preacher in Mr. Wesley's Connection; who, even from the pulpit, preferred charges against them, of a nature exceedingly injurious to their credit as men, and their characters as Christians.

Mr. S. feems to have been roused by this treatment to affert the purity of his principles and the rectitude of his practice, in a more public and decifive way than he had ever before. done: Yet, he entered on his Minifterial courfe

with that modefty and humility which distinguished all his conduct. His firft effay was to explain to the Society St. Paul's Epiftle to the Galatians; and this exercise met with fo much encouragement, that they were not contented to hear him in private, but earneftly befought him to expound publicly on Sunday mornings: This requeft, however, greatly embarraffed him, as he feared that the presence of a large congregation would quite confound him; and that by fo public a procedure he thould for ever forfeit the promotion which he expected in the dock-yard.

While thefe things agitated his mind, Providence was pleafed to give him a fpecimen of its regard for his temporal intereft: He obtained the promotion which he fought for, fo that his fears of this nature were removed; but his timidity made him refift the most importunate defires of the Society for fome time. At length he confented to preach on the Lord's day mornings, but begged that he might read a fermon in the evenings, as the congregation was by much the largeft at thofe feafons. Thus diffidently and gradually he proceeded, till, being encouraged by increafing approbation, and animated by evident fuccefs, he fpake both mornings and evenings, and read the fermons of others no longer.

He proceeded in a public courfe of preaching the Gospel with great freedom, and very foon received invitations to vifit Chatham, Gravefend, and other places in Kent. Thus his fphere of action was greatly enlarged, and the Lord gave many teftimonies that his endeavours to be useful in his caufe were acceptable and fuccefsful. Yet he was often difheartened with apprehenfions that he was fet too forward in the minifterial office, and was not called of God to preach his Goipel. Thefe reflections much oppreffed his mind one Sabbath evening, after having preached at Gravefend, and as he was walking from thence to Chatham. While he was on the road, he was overtaken by a perfon, who accofted him with much respect, and who feemed greatly pleased at having an opportunity of converfing with him. Mr. S. made a return of civility to the gentleman, adding that he did not know him. But, Sir," faid the stranger, "I know you well. You were made the means, under God, of my foul's obtaining a great bleffing when you laft preached at Chatham." This declaration, coming fo opportunely, was of great fervice to filence his cavils, and make the remainder of his walk quite comfortable.

[blocks in formation]

66

A3

As his reading became more general, he was much infefted with deiftical thoughts; and though he had preached the word of God for fome years, he was often terribly affaulted with doubts of the truth of the Chriftian religion. This conflict occafioned him to feel the keeneft agonies of foul; and he has well defcribed what he felt at thefe feafons in his Chriftian Memoirs, where Probus is confined in the Castle of Scepticifm. To remedy this evil he had recourfe to the beft authors, and well confidered the arguments that were used on both fides of the queftion: This foon convinced his judgment of the weakness of the freethinking cause, but his faith was not fufficiently strong to improve the conviction for the peace of his mind. Then, with many tears, he used to cry," Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief!" And it pleafed God fo to fhine on his understanding, and to influence his foul, that his faith grew ftrong and folid; and, except in the inftance now about to be mentioned, thefe fceptical notions gave him no more uneafiness.

In September 1769, Mr. S. was feized with a fever of the moft fevere and afflictive kind. In the early part of his illness his foul was overclouded with great darkness, and the fear of death brought him into grievous bondage. This state was fucceeded by a delirium of three days' continuance, in which his mind was alternately amufed with the fcenes of pleasure, or convulfed with the agonies of defpair. He feemed engaged in a series of very remarkable events; and he related all that he experienced with wonderful connection, and with the most acute feeling. About noon, on the third day of his delirium, he lay in ftrong convulfions; and was expected by the Phyficians and his friends to be very near death. All about him were bathed in tears; and his own foul was enduring the most horrible conflicts with the powers of darknefs. The universe seemed on the point of deftruction, and all the fouls in it appeared finking into the abhorred gulph of annihilation. God was reprefented, to him as an arbitrary, inflexible Sovereign, who was determined to wipe all exiftence quite away, and to reign alone, in eternal folitude, infinitely happy in his own perfections. Thefe, with many other fcenes equally dreadful, he endured, till his foul feemed incapable of fuffering any more; and then it pleafed God to make known his power and grace, and to rescue his diftreffed fervant from the jaws of destruction. About four o'clock on the fame afternoon, as his friends were furrounding his bed,

and

and expecting his immediate diffolution, he came fuddenly to his perfect fenfes, feeming to awake out of an horrible dream. He looked anxioufly on his family and friends; eagerly enquired if the place was not deftroyed; and appeared quite amazed, though wonderfully rejoiced, to find that every thing remained in its ufual order. All present welcomed his return to reafon and life with tears of joy : From that moment he began to recover, and was foon reftored to his former health.

To relieve Mr. S. in the exercife of minifterial duty, a perfon had for fome time been appointed by the Society to preach occafionally. This circumftance, in the year 1772, was the means of creating a contention, which muft difturbed the peace of the Church, and nearly determined Mr. S. to withdraw himself from the work of the Ministry. While he was under much diftrefs of mind on account of the conduct of his colleague and the Society, he was invited to fup with a friend; who, on taking down a bowl, threw out of it a piece of paper, very dirty, and much ftained with smoke, which had a little before been found blowing about the street, and the contents of which had not been observed. Mr. S. took it up; he began to read it, and was foon aftonished. It was as if an angel from heaven had brought him a meffage from his divine Mafter to admonish him how to behave in the matter that troubled him. The writing was an extract from Thomas a Kempis's Imitation of Jefus Chrift, as follows: "That they who judge fhall be judged. That they shall have judgment without mercy who fhew no mercy; and the fame mea、 fure they mete to others, he will measure to them again. Keep God always in thy mind, and let go quarrel and contention; nor embroil thyfelf in trouble and differences, by being over folicitous in thy own defence. If thou at prefent feem to be oppreffed with difgrace and ill reports, which thou haft not deferved, bear thy burden contentedly. Blemish not thy innocency by too deep refentment, nor take off the brightness of thy crown by anger and impatience, and eagernefs to right thyfelf. Reflect on ME, who once endured fuch contradiction of obftinate and implacable finners, and am now fet down at the right hand of the throne of God. Look up to heaven, and remember there is one who can make thy innocence as clear as the light, and thy righteoufnefs fhine as the noon day; one, who will confider not only thy infamy and wrong, but thy man

[blocks in formation]
« FöregåendeFortsätt »