THE METROPOLITAN. No. LVII. FOR JANUARY, 1836. CONGRATULATIONS FOR THE YEAR | which have the peculiar merit of being im 1836. WITH the new year, it is incumbent upon us to put on our best looks, and wear our merriest faces; and, whatever be our misfortunes, whatever our ailments, however inclement the weather, or however unkind our friends, we should, overlooking all present annoyances, and despising all the menacings of evil, cast our eyes sedulously around, above, below, and beyond us, in order to find out meet subjects for congratulation. Will not a year, began in the mist of tears, naturally terminate in the pelting showers of despondency? If the sun in the heavens will not shine on the first of January, we must contrive, like those who do not find success, to do without him; and make something in his semblance, a sort of a tinfoil sun of our own, which, if not sufficient to enable us to read our own rhapsodies, will be quite luminous enough to swear by, and to light up the glories of the Whig administration. perfect. Employment is necessary to the welfare of the people, and the representatives of the people having nothing to do in these times, will have now plenty of occupation in amending their acts. This gives us great hopes of an increase of morality in the nation at large, for it is not possible to amend one's acts without amending one's lives. We also congratulate the nation upon the valuable system of reciprocity we have lately been carrying on. It is delightful to witness the exchange of sterling advantages for empty compliments, and to feel that we have this positive balance in our favor, that Dr. Bowring is able to astonish the natives in Hebrew and in good French. We congratulate our countrymen upon the great satisfaction with which we can perambulate the streets of the metropolis, and every other part of the kingdom. Formerly, we were so crowded, that it was unpleasant; but so many hundreds of thousands have gone over the water to make room for us, that the grass is actually springing up between the pavingstones in front of St. James's Palace. This is kind to us, and philanthropic to others, for, with the plethora of money with which this country is borne along, it is but right that we should disseminate a few millions per annum among those nations who will, in all probability, make war against us; it will supply them with the sinews of war in case of need, Englishmen, we congratulate you that the and, it is clear that, if they had nothing for Whig-radico-Irisho-rapparee-papistico-asso- us to take from them, there could be no source Now, with this pious wish of being grateful, let us look around and enumerate the various subjects of congratulation that intrude themselves upon us, and thus unceremoniously force felicity down our throats, whether we will or not, and make us blest in spite of ourselves, frost, fog, and the rheumatism. Now let us hearken to the voice of comfortof triumph! ciation still directs the councils of the empire, and that Lord Melbourne has a good appetite. Indeed, considering all things, for the good of his country, he has stomached a great deal. We congratulate the country upon what the Whigs have done since their accession to office, the extraordinary foresight which has induced them to pass acts of parliament, of congratulation in beating them. Our foreign policy, lately, is another source of public congratulation. We have left off the system of bullying our neighbors, of insisting upon being treated with respect, and of laying down the law to others. We now have put more Christian doctrine in our international system. We are like the old expiring lion, at whose jaws every jackass may have a kick. With all humility, if smote on delity, which seems to be running a wonderthe right cheek, we offer them the left, and thus do we avoid any thing like a squabble. It is to Lord Palmerston that we are indebted for this new system of bearing towards other nations, and if we knock under, no one can accuse us of being overbearing. ful race with Popery, and the wonderful affection shown to infidel municipal officers, Jew aldermen, sheriffs, and judges. All this the world-we mean the world as enlightened by the Tomkinses, the schoolmastersmust see will lead to results the most glorious, and having got thus far in the progress of liberalism, we can see no just cause why, henceforward, men dead to all religion, may not be collated to hold all manner of livings, and that Jews, Turks, and infidels may not hold rectories, deaneries, and bishoprics commendably-in commendam. We also congratulate the country upon the language of the lower classes having found its way into both houses of parliament, as it is a sure sign that the mob will soon follow. For argument we have abuse, then insult, cock-crowing, squeaking, barking, hallooing, groaning, hissing, and thumping of sticks and feet. This is very pleasant, for it is the short- We congratulate you, agriculturists. Worest way of settling the question, and they may ship and glorify the Whigs! Of how many now call for it before the debate begins. important and harassing cares have they diEnglishmen, we congratulate you upon the vested you! You have no rent for your landworking of the new Poor Laws, seeing that it lords, no money for your poor-rates, half is rapidly working off those of the working wages to your laborers, and no returns at all, classes, who are compelled to work the most, but those constantly-recurring ones of bankand eat the least. We congratulate you on ruptcy for yourselves. Yes, they have rethe satisfaction you must enjoy in paying ma-lieved your shoulders of a great weight, ny thousands to a few commissioners, who though a little at the expense of the lining of will spend your money like gentlemen, in- your ribs. But till lately, you were always stead of throwing away a few hundreds upon a race a little too plethoric, but now, though objects who have no other claim to it than we do not think you will ever become so fine helplessness, a life of useful labor, the dic- as to be able to pass through the eye of a tates of charity, and the command of God. needle, yet, as being infinitely less rich, you will all have a much better chance of entering into the kingdom of heaven. 66 We congratulate the country upon its increasing pauper population, and its increased and still-increasing number of palaces. Every Ship-owners, and all ye who derive your poor man has now his palace. Palace!" subsistence by floating about on the deep wasaid we. Rather, should we say, his choice ters, we congratulate you, and you, congratuof palaces, in any of which he may not only late yourselves and your country on your freely enter, but is ardently welcomed, for present condition and your future prospects. three halfpence; and also, at the same time, Ship-owners! most of you reside on the banks indulge in the maximum of happiness, by of the Thames, or in the neighborhood of pouring down his own throat a libation of those parts that contained your magnificent max. But our congratulations must not stop properties. The Whigs love you and cherish at the individual, and somewhat sensual hap-you: they do not wish you to lose sight of piness thus profusely distributed among the your valuable possessions: they will not enproductive classes, since these palaces must courage them to depart from under your eyes. ably assist Miss Martineau by establishing an efficacious preventive check, in making them physiologically non-productive. Then, is it not a subject of joy to know that the artisan, and the mere laborer, has so much to expend upon mere spiritual comforts? To say nothing of the glorious course they are pursuing, which, in giving them the advantages of death early, procures to them an exemption of all the diseases and infirmities of old age, and death suddenly, all the miseries attendant upon a lingering illness. We will not dwell upon the little trouble that they so generally give to those whose pleasing duty it is to supply the surgeons with anatomical models, by dying ready-made skeletons. And that there is a prospect of our not being in future burdened with overpopulation, as from the frequent applications of the females to the still, most children are now still-born. We congratulate our pious and devout countrymen, whose ancestors altered the line of succession for only suspecting the sovereign of overthrowing the Protestant religion as by law established, on the late great increase of liberal opinions, hate and contempt of the Episcopal church, wide spread of infi Thus, your ships are in the rivers, in the docks, and in the ports. You may visit your property daily: you may assure yourselves of its reality: it is no vain thing, no illusion: there it is, visible and tangible, though neither very profitable or very convertible. Bless, oh bless these Whigs for having thus securely moored your vessels in our own ports by those binding cables, reciprocity laws and a repeal of the navigation acts. We are now going to congratulate the country upon a subject that comes home feelingly to every man's pocket. Indeed, on the point to which we are going to allude, you have twenty millions of sterling reasons for gratulation in the dispersion of so many millions of sterling pounds. With these twenty millions of pounds you have bought nearly one million of apprentices, and a black bargain it has turned out. So much the better. The money is fairly out of your pockets now, and you have already seen something; when the apprentices are out of their time, you will see something more. Everything goes on swimmingly except the money, which is irretrievably sunk. As these apprentices will be long out of work before they are out of their |